This Is My Temporary Home

I love this song. I relate to almost every verse with my own personal experiences and believe that this world is my temporary home and looking forward to my real Home.

During this festive, fun filled and yes, busy season it is great to ponder the True meaning. This was Christ's temporary home, His body as a baby was just to feel what we feel. He knew sacrifice, compassion, hurt, hunger, love, rejection, loss, mourning, friendship, betrayal, family dysfunction, everything we know and in such a bigger degree. He is a loving God to even set foot on this earth and be just a mere mortal and yet be True God! What a miracle, what a blessing, what a Savior!

I'M Getting Nothing for Christmas

Do you ever feel that as a mother you don't really get anything but work for Christmas? I wonder what it would be like if I did not have such a wonderful husband who does so much for me and I had to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, planning, and decorating. I do some, but my hubby rocks! I know my mother did most of it.

I have sinus infection and wish I was 8 years old and my mom would give me soup and tuck me in by the fire. My family has been great with me but since it is such a hectic time there is always something to do, some concert to go to or party! How blessed am I to be able to do those things and know that my house will be warm when I get home, even if my mom is warm in Florida and not taking care of me anymore I will heat up some of her homemade chicken noodle soup she froze for us and feel that she is here.

May Christ be the center of my Christmas and the only miracle I celebrate, anticipate with joy! Family is great, presents are fun, time is priceless, but CHRIST is the REASON!

My Little Girl

I am so not ready for this part!

The Christmas Shoes

This is one of those songs that you hear and if you are not in the right mood to cry you turn it and if you are you embrace it and love it. This is how I am right now, turning the station on some things and embracing others.

One thing I am embracing is my home. I love my home and the way it looks at Christmas and the fun we have in it and that we are able to use it for more than us. We added four people over Thanksgiving break and it worked out. We all had space and enjoyed each other and yes we were happy when it was our home again.

Another thing I am embracing is my family. I love the ages my kids are and how God is alive and well in them and that they love like Christ! I am trying to take it in when there is peace as with any family that does not last long.

The stations I am changing are the moods my children are having lately. I finally got my own moods together and all three of them are having meltdowns left and right. I know sleep and sickness are contributors but come on!

The other station is health issues for myself. I am fixing them as they come along and have found some new answers to old questions but really not wanting to deal with it.

All in all, a great time of year!

Thanksgiving is more than Pilgrims

So, I sang this song in Junior High, don't remember the whole thing but love the first verse and chorus.

Thanksgiving is more than pilgrims,
more than big parades on tv.
More than just a time to go and visit friends,
Thanksgiving is more than that to me.
It's time for thanking Jesus
for letting us live free.
It's time for thanking Jesus
for helping us to see
the riches of His blessings
the blood He shed for me.
That's why Jesus is thanksgiving to me.

She's In Love With the Boy

I had a interesting weekend with many different friends and different conversations and fun things and one ER visit, but overall fun except I missed my hubby! I LOVE being with him! Even if it is just watching tv, trying to talk over the kids, watching the kids beat him up(or try), practically anything is fun with him. I missed him, I wanted him there. He went with my son who was having breathing troubles last night and stayed with him in the ER for 4 hours until 2 am this morning, he is the one who helped put his grandma's boiler in all day yesterday, took Ashley for a date night on Friday and still managed to shop, help a friend with electrical and be nice all day today, of course the race being on helped. What a man! Thank you Lord for this man, who let me hang out all weekend with friends and still got it all done! What a blessing!

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime

So we have not all our lights up but some and one of our trees up because we are having the Johnson Christmas tonight! I love this time of year! Trying to think of how to toddler proof the house as the twins are 1.5 years old and like to touch and see everything, that should be fun! Feliz Navidad!

I Don't Want to Work, I just Want to Bang on the Drum all Day

No, I am not trying to play hooky from work or dislike my job as an administrative assistant although this week I have been fighting a low grade fever/cold and am extremely tired but I digress.

I am talking about my other 'jobs'. Not the cleaning lady that I a sometimes am at home or the wife/companion I am to Steve or the cook that sometimes works at The Chermak Deli. I am talking about how much work it is to be a friend sometimes and a mother and managing time for 3 other people and knowing when to let go (that has been the one I have been wanting to give up for the drums the most!).

Not many read this so if I think you might be reading this I am not typing about our friendship. I don't like to work at something that someone isn't willing to work on with me. For instance, my phone rings and after months of me doing all the calling, I will give up on calling. If you are too busy to talk or email I do not understand that. I know I don't have little kids anymore but I still have 3 children who need things, need to get to places. I don't call to chat with people since I went back to work 3 years ago with the exception of my mother and my sister in law, Wendy.

So, another tangent that has nothing to do with anything is the word 'busy'. Steve and I have had something every night and so have the kids and we are busy, but not overwhelmed and I think that if someone needed us or wanted to spend time with us we would work it in. To hear you are so BUSY that you can't return a phone call or an email is so frustrating. I had a dream about a 'friend' who was too busy to return a phone call last month and this why this tangent is brought up. It is no one that reads this or really uses a computer.

Second, I wanted to QUIT my job as mother this week. I was failing at it, I did a bad job of training, I was very emotional and just wanted to pack up and move to St. Louis, alone. I am better now, but that job sometimes needs a more qualified employee. I know God picked me for that job and I will not quit it, but sometimes I wish I was there for the training meetings.

Ok, enough whining! Loved the weather this week! Love that Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming. Sad my parents leave for Florida soon! Ready for what God brings next, at least I have a great partner to weather the storms if they come! :)

I Look So Good

So this past week thanks to the Internet, I have reconnected with 3 friends from college. 2 were roommates from when I met, got pregnant by and married my ex. They looked at my pictures and my last name and quickly got that we were not together and they said, man you look so happy now that you are not with him. Now I am not sure I look good as the title said but I am definitely a different person. Good feeling to know that inward change can be shown outward!

I forget who I was when I was in college, because I define myself as who I became. It was nice to be reminded that I wasn't always afraid of being myself and that I let people in so much easier in college. I thank God for those people who cared about me despite the road I was choosing and see that I may have been better for it in the long run.

Tonights the Night For the Sinner's and the Saints

How often do I need to be reminded of which category I am in! I am a sinner. I sin daily and only by the blood of Christ have I been redeemed. I am not better than anyone, I am not more holy, I am not with out sin. I do not need to live in sin, meaning to dwell on sin whether past or present, but I need to work towards not sinning. A goal I have yet to accomplish. A worthy goal.

Good Day Sunshine

Today was a good day. The youth put on a service and I got to watch them express their faith through song, drama, Scripture reading, desire to serve and listening as God's Word was presented. I got a nap. Watched part of a race, part of a game, hung out with a good friend and really had a good day. I wish all days could be like this, but it will make me more thankful when I will look back at this when the day is not so great.

God is in control of everything! I am so happy about that, even with my control issues. I know He has a plan and sometimes that plan might get difficult, sometimes I will even reject the plan, refuse to acknowledge that God has anything to do with it but ultimately, in the end I know He is in control! Hallelujah!

Jesus Bring the Rain

Sometimes I forget how good I have it. I need to be reminded of how good God is, Steve is, my kids are, my life is. How easy it is and be thankful and praise Him. That was last night the rain to praise Him, to get on my knees and acknowledge Who is in charge and why I am so happy I am not!

When You Wish Upon A Star

These children are way beyond what I have wished for! They teach me about God, myself and love every day! I am now boasting in the Lord as it is totally a God thing! Thank you Lord for my blessings! Protect them, help me to let them grow and not squelch who they are becoming! Let me take each day as a gift, not a task or a job as I often see it, not a burden as it often feels, but as love from God above.

Hold On

I am a bit discontent. The theme of my life at times, but it is a season. It usually starts with my hair. How silly but true. I hate my hair right now. I feel like Bette Midler in 'Beaches' who always hates her hair. I don't always hate my hair but when it is growing out, bangs, growing longer or just needs to be reshaped, I get down. My hair has this ability to make me look at things more half empty. Crazy, really.

I want to be bold, be dramatic, be different and yet I am so happy to be where I am. I like who I am, had to explain that to my hubby the other day. I do have such a changed outlook on myself that he did not get how much BETTER I am than I once was. In High School my self-esteem depended on others, now I like who I am but know I am a work in progress, hopefully getting better at least yearly :)

I am laughing now which is a good thing, laughing at myself. Life is good and I am praying for those who are not at a good place right now. I watch as people go through some hard times, hard choices and feel helpless. I need to be content that we are doing so well right now, no major illnesses, no money issues this moment, a nice house, warm even, cars that run, family that laughs together, has plenty to eat, that loves each other, that knows True Love, that wants to be more like Christ. I sure have got a lot to hold on to even if I have a bad hair month.

Patience

I need patience for a situation that has been uncertain for about 13 years. I think I have been patient. I think I have waited for the situation to change, for my feelings to change, for some good to come, for the light to shine and still we are at square one. I know that I can not change people, I can not make them see how they really are or ask them to be something they are not.

I so need to let go and let God. I don't know how to be still and wait. I want to fix it, I want to act, I want things to look different, to be different, to be part of the solution not the problem or to have started the problem.

Deep breath, soon I can move on to forgetting this situation, soon we can just be.

Living in a Material World

So, I was thinking about how I did not like the cheap toilet paper I bought. I bought it because it was cheap and my family deserves better toilet paper. I actually thought this, about how MY family deserves a great quality toilet paper. Not how my family needs water, food, shelter, cars, entertainment. No because we have all these things but on top of all that we need the toilet paper that those bears have on tv. What a world. I know we have to sometimes think about meaningless, non-Christ centered things, but a lot of my time is wasted by junk, stuff, luxury.

That makes me laugh. I have never lived the glamorous lifestyle. I love that I can even be considered middle class after being on welfare for a few years. But I do live in luxury. I do have it great. Prov. 22:1-2 God is good!

I Get So Emotional Baby!

The ups and downs of womanhood + rain and cold weather = strange mommy. What a week! Change is in the air! I need to deal well with change, I need to accept it, expect it, embrace it. It is going to happen in so many levels of my life, it seems almost daily it does.

I really want to be organized this season and yet I am still missing some gene that holds the DNA for that. I need to be happy, content with who I am and what gifts God has given me (working on finding those gifts). Yes, it has been one of those weeks. Not a crying, woe is me week but a huh? what is going on? week.

Now, any ideas on what I should be for Halloween? I have my 'Ugly Betty' outfit that I have not worn yet, but any other ideas?

I'll Be There For You

On Sunday night I went to my friends house for dinner. I have been friends with this lady for 22 years or more. We were talking and all of sudden she hums something and says 'Do you remember this song?'. I hum it back and said I would find the words for it on the internet, some old song we must have roller skated to or something. My son watched and said 'You two are really strange' and proceeded to make fun us by humming. I am excited to see him have the same interactions with his friends, when you don't have to say anything and you know what they are thinking or you hear something and you remember the time and you just bust out laughing.

I love that I still connect with friends I have had for more than 20 years. My husband is one of them. We met with 4 other life long friends on Saturday for dinner and so enjoyed food and conversations and relaxation. What a gorgeous evening!

Never was a twenty something with no kids meeting my friends at the coffee shop, but love that I still meet up with my friends and enjoy their company. God is so good!

Fifteen

I remember when life revolved around my homework, who I needed to talk to at school, what people thought of me, what I was wearing, were my bangs ratted high enough, did so and so like me, and basically could see nothing outside my life. Then why is it that I can't allow my daughter some slack and understand her egocentricness?

Now it drives me crazy! I can't seem to relate to thinking about only myself, I get crabby and want her to fast forward to my reality and then stop take a deep breath, apologize for yelling, and realize soon enough she will see things in this way.

(I really like Taylor Swift music. This is another one of her songs.)

Love is a Battlefield

I have been thinking about a friend who is starting the divorce process and remember when I was in those shoes, those poor, ill fitting, bright neon orange shoes and everyone had an opinion and everyone wanted the whole sordid story and praying for my friend.

I often wonder when it is that you decide it is just over. I decided after girlfriend #3. That actually wasn't the reason I left but contributed to the whole lousy scene. Do people actually just fall out of love? I can't imagine making a choice to love someone and then just decide to not love them anymore.

Society is not helpful with this problem. Most shows, celebrities and such make divorce so easy, so accessible, so drama free. You go to a judge sign some papers and *boom* you are magically unattached, which is never true.

Pray with me that families stay together, that people cherish their vows. I know that my crabbiness or lack of appeal probably gives Steve some cause to think about it, but know he is with me for the long haul. God wants us to stay together for the good of us and that should be reason enough.

Don't Stop Believing - Hold on to that Feeling

So, I thought it would be fun to go and sleepover at a friends house as her hubby was out of town and she only had 2 of her 4 kids. Well, back in the day I could fall asleep anywhere and didn't need a lot of sleep and could eat non nutritious food and get up early and have energy and function the next day. Not so much anymore.
I had a good time and was glad to talk, laugh, and be tired. Lots of coffee was needed. I am so glad my kids sleep until 8 am or longer on weekends (these kids got up at 6 am, so did I). I am so glad that I missed everyone and ready to be back with my kids and my hubby and my house.
I keep holding on to this notion that I really am not that old or maybe it is just that I have not aged mentally (matured?). I still want have fun and laugh and giggle with my friends, make out with my hubby, run and play tags with my kids as if I am one of them. Mental aging will happen eventually, but not today.

How Will I Know...

I often wonder if working with the youth is where I am called to be. There is so much energy and thought that has to go into it and if you make a mistake it could be long term. But there is much fun and that is why I loved youth group as a youth and still do.

I got to know so many Christ centered, funny, happy, strange, moody, wanna be rebels, lonely, those searching for Crazy Love, and new kids this weekend. God is good and working in the next generation even when they can't wait to shoot me in the squirt gun game!

I Wish I was a Little Bit Taller, I Wish I was a Baller...

Sometimes the titles date me but oh well. I wish I had mad skills in something great. I am not great at one thing. I am adequate at some things but not great. My hubby has skills and he is great at helping people and fixing things and getting it done. I can just dream about it getting done. I do wish I was taller too, but that is not as important or realistic.

Routine is back and I am not sure I am going to do well until I remember what I have to do. We have added 20 things to our September calendar and so far I have not forgotten one of them, granted it is only Sept. 7 and I almost forgot something yesterday. So here we go!

...I'm Loving it!

This weather is awesome. The kids jumping into routine has been great. Fall, apple orchards, sweaters, cool nights, colors, so much to enjoy and yes we have been to the fair twice, still thinking about Monday, but not sure.

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby!

What a difference a year makes! What a difference 15 years makes! The Lord is faithful! 15 years ago was a struggle and thankfully Ashley does not remember the deal and she and I were family for 3 1/2 years and then added Steve - a great addition!

Ashley's love for God is amazing, her innocence is great and she is so much like I once was which doesn't always make for a good time but I do understand her better. My prayer is that she knows God's love more, she feels safe everywhere she goes, she knows how many people love her, she stays in God's Word and she has fun!

What an awesome thing to watch your kids grow up, it is work, it is all consuming but I am still awestruck by the whole thing!

Summer Nights

The summer went by at a steady pace for me, not too fast, just right! I love fall!!! God is good all the time! We spent time with good friends (miss some of them), family, time away from it all!

I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again...

What I learned from yesterday is that:

• I never want to learn how to fight well.
• Sleep is always a good way to look at things differently.
• Family and friends are not going to think you are crazy if you cry every once in awhile.
• I need to give myself more grace. (Thanks RC!)
• I need to not let people talk down to me and call them on it when they start.
• I sometimes am my own worst enemy as I felt so low yesterday.

My hubby, kids, and friends know who I am and were great yesterday and today! Thanks for letting me see that I am not as dumb as I allowed some people to make me feel yesterday!

Time after Time

I hate confrontation! I HATE IT! I hate feeling small and not smart! I hate when people talk down to me! I hate that I don't have enough something to not break down and cry and then I look even more stupid! I hate finding out what people really think of me, even if they don't know me at all. I really hate crying in front of people. I wish that was something I grew out of, but it is not. Tomorrow will be better. Maybe the 'disconnect from my brain to my mouth' will be gone. Maybe I will get it right, maybe I can move on.

This is not how I work. When someone puts me in a corner I shrink and that relationship never stays the same. There have been a few exceptions, like with my hubby, kids, parents and close friends. I don't think I fight with people enough so I am not good at the aftermath.

These thoughts are all for me from today and I am sure I will come back and read them when I have diarrhea of the mouth again or when someone hurts me like today and at least know I have gotten through and will get through it again.

God is so good and He will show me where to go, just not quite as fast as I want sometimes, but His timing is perfect. His Love is perfect. His Forgiveness is perfect.

Stuck in the Middle with You

I don't talk about politics or religion or how I feel about Favre being a Viking or pro sports for that matter much, because I don't have a real solid opinion on most things. There are debates that have come in life that I definitely see a right way but if it is not Kingdom worthy, if it has no eternal value I believe I should not dwell on it too much.

I do have opinions though. I think that people should always be nice. I don't mean we have to even get along but we can all be nice to each other, civil. I think that once you state your opinion unless there absolutely needs to be explanation of something you need to move and not keep stating it until you know for sure no one is listening. I believe you should know your audience. Unless you have walked in someones shoes you don't have a clue as to why they believe what they believe.

I am not sure what this tangent is about, no secret fighting going on or anything, just thinking about it. Maybe saw an article from an instigator on FB, maybe argued too much with my daughter and needed a reminder to be nice, not sure.

Man, I Feel Like a Woman

Ok, I have to say I don't miss my monthly, my uterus, icky stuff, but I do miss knowing when the moods are going to hit. I know it could be many things but my body still tells me when the cysts happen in a very painful unhappy manner so I must be on some schedule.

Here is what I am trying to do:

• Cherish each moment! Not forget that this is a once in a lifetime moment - all of them!
• Love like Christ and for the first time that includes myself. I always forget to love myself.
• Be honest with my feelings and hopefully have better communication.
• Pray and listen to God, not only in His Word but through the Holy Spirit. How often am I just still?

The above is not in order of importance but in order of what was typed first. Someday I will be that organized or probably not.

Tell Me About It

I was told at one time that my blogs were cryptic. I have tried to get better at it but still like to type this for myself sometimes. If I am having difficulties with life and it involves people and they read this I will talk with them instead of writing this. Just an FYI.

Enjoying warmth and water and friends and family and it is getting so close to school and the FAIR! Getting excited about that!

Don't Take the Girl

So, back in February we went on airboat rides. It had to be divided 3 and 4, my parents were with us so Ashley, Gracie and Steve went in one and we were in the other. This is the first time it happened. The man eluded to the fact that Steve and Ashley were married and Gracie was their kid. I thought it absurd, one man's opinion. It has happened a bit since then. I must look like the Mexican nanny or something, not sure.

Yesterday we had a very impromptu 2 hour garage sale and a lady came up and told Ashley that she had teenagers if she ever need someone to watch her kids (Gracie and Mikey). She thought Ashley was 30 years old and when Ashley told her she was 14 she could not believe it. Does Ashley look that old? I know she does not act it, either do I for that matter but I think she dresses like a teen, doesn't she?

You Got a Fight for Your Right to Party!

I am not ready for school stuff to start! I don't want to buy backpacks, back to school clothing or pencils. I am boycotting it for another two weeks and I am sure I will end up searching all over the Twin Cities for the right stuff. I will wait until right before the fair and start thinking about it all and then drown my sorrows on a pronto pup!

People are People So Why Should it Be...

I have had some strange things happen the last few weeks. People have disappointed me, but not really, things are now not as controlled as I would like, but I am not worried, friendships are changing, but I am not dwelling. So odd for me. I usually overreact, play out the worst case scenario in my head and freak out a bit. Maybe it is the cough medicine. Maybe because these changes are really not that big of a deal.
I expect people to let me down, not such a great thing but it happens, I let Steve and my kids down all the time. I am not bragging mind you but I see grace from them I feel that it is ok to extend grace to others.
I think the change that is freaking me out is that my daughter is starting Driver's Ed in 2 weeks. She is turning 15 at the end of the month. She is who I always dreamed she could be, actually she is more than what I dreamed. When we lived in my parents basement after the divorce I could only hope that she would be healthy and God centered. God has given her so much more. Steve has brought such a difference in her life. She has been blessed. I have been blessed. Maybe that is why everything is ok. What more can I ask for?

Pieces of Me

I am so over my pity party. As I surfed the web late last night, I read a blog from a distant friend that led me to a blog of a person I did not know but totally enjoyed the openness and the heart of this person. I soon found out that it was a classmates wife's blog and I have been praying for their many hardships throughout the past few years. It made me realize my life is not as hard as I though it was.

I think the thing that I was most discouraged about is yet another surgery. I am sure my pain is ovarian cyst pain and they may just need to take out the ovary. Oh well, it is a quick recovery one if I need it.

I also realized how precious my kids are as this woman lost a child. I have never lost a piece of me. I feel as though that is what children are. Delivering them sure feels like it, loving them takes all you have sometimes, hoping that they know Love and they are prepared for the world can be so draining and time consuming that you almost cease to exist, it has to be so hard to lose one. I am praying for all those who are not holding the babies they once had, never met, had to give back to the Lord.

Every Rose Has It's Thorn

Pics from vacation

I have had a really good summer and love that it isn't so hot I can't take it or have to be in air conditioning all day. We had a great vacation and I think I am on the downhill of all that is good in life.

On vacation I got this cold. It was over 2 weeks ago. I either never got rid of it or now have a new one. For the past 2 months I have had side pain again and it seems to be affecting me more this past week. This week has been very busy with VBS and work and Steve's birthday and stuff that is fun but somewhat more work than I want. So I am whiny, a bit down, a bit frustrated with pain and sickness and yet realize I have such a GREAT LIFE! I hate being caught in the middle. Limbo, that is my state, that is where I live right now. I am sure sleep, the ending of VBS and maybe the fair on Friday will help.

Thanks for listening - just needed to vent.

Boomin'

I love to play this song and open the windows while pulling into church and have people look at me like I am crazy. It is so fun to see reactions and judgement written all over the faces! I am too old to be a punk but they think it at first.

I have been thinking about how I am finally becoming more comfortable with who I am and more of who I once was. I was fun and outgoing, maybe too sensitive, but loving. I now am getting to be more outgoing again, depends on hormones for the sensitive part but working on the loving or at least walking in someone else's shoes. I try for fun but it is much more reserved, mom-type fun. That's OK, I hope with age comes wisdom so that I can have fun and be wise with it.

I am ready to try something new and can not think what to try. Any suggestions would be great!

I Love a Rainy Night

We need rain - everywhere! I was so happy to hear it this morning. My kids come home today and vacation is officially over but summertime is so great. I get to spend so much more time with the kids and I feel so honored to have a job that allows flexibility.

I had a conversation with a mom yesterday about raising kids that are now adults and as we talked, I have no insight as my kids are still legally my responsibility, I realized by the age she was talking, which was 20, I was married and was a mom. I sometimes mourn the years I missed to find myself but learned so much during that time.

Here is a pic of the bunch I get back today -

Eternal Flame

So we are on vacation. Usually we don't have computer access, dish or phone and this time we have all 3. We have managed to stay a bit disconnected. We started vaca with Steve sick, bad cold, now Gracie and I have it. Lots of downtime to get better though, still lots of fun - Gracie is 3 wheeling right now. It went from 80 degrees on Monday, skiing, swimming, fishing for 14 hours even I went skiing, to 50 degrees today, but indoor fun is great. Went to Duluth yesterday, I was really out of it but enjoyed the tower, the playground and the canal shopping. My kids want to swim. I may let them if they are crazy enough.

All in all I would rather be here than anywhere else. I get to spend time with my hubby, my parents, my kids, God and love life. Might go fishing today but afraid we may hit ice - just kidding. Supposed to be near 80 tomorrow. Having a blast and other than spending time with friends, don't miss a thing!

Summer, Summer, Summertime

This is what I love about summer!

You're Hot then You're Cold

Ever notice the ebb and flow of life. I do. I am either up or down, have a streak of happy or a streak of moody. There are some days I am sure that are just fine but probably don't notice them as much, nothing special just the plain old days of life. I like those days.

I am definitely on an appreciative streak if nothing else. I am so grateful for the relationships in my life. (WARNING - SAPPINESS AHEAD) First, my hubby, I love him more today than yesterday and still think he is so cute. He is such a good dad and friend. I am grateful. My kids, I am so happy they are all home and that we get to have a week at the cabin together and just chill. Hopefully laugh a lot and not fight too much and enjoy life. My mom, dad, and all in laws have been so good in my life. My friends, what can I say about those who challenge me to be my best, who encourage me when I am at my worst and love me when I can't want to be loved. Grateful for all of that! Hope it keeps up!

Great Fourth of July with friends that are really family - love summer - not liking the stone that is not passing fast enough but it will!

We're All in this Together

I have felt like I have a huge extended family. I have been able to or have had to open up and allow people to know things about me and I have so enjoyed confiding in people lately. Not a thing I generally like to do, to be deep and share feelings and such, but lately it has been really good.

I have my Ashley back, but Mikey is gone to Camp and hopefully he will love it. Ashley grew in the Spirit, in mind, in body. I think she came back stronger, a bit blonder, and happy. Good things.

I feel relieved, like a big adventure is over. I am cautious of the future, but a bit more ready. I think that being so surprised and being able to not be a part of the problem was a wonderful change. I got to really sit on the outside and know I am not crazy that this situation does sometimes get bad, but it can be fixed without me. I am ready for a normal week and loving the weather! I will be happy on Saturday when we will all be together again for awhile!

What's so funny about Peace Love and Understanding

I feel peace today. Like I know that change has happened and even though I do not know the end it will be better, different, more peaceful. I have 2 out of 3 kids back so that gives me time to focus on them and less on me which is what I need.

A few friends of mine have told me that I need to let go of the responsibility of the past becoming the present. It is not my fault that people choose not to change, not to grow, not to become what they should become. It is their fault and even if I introduced them to my life I did not ask them to stay. I now understand that the process of letting go of that burden will change me and is something I can do and am so thankful to those people who have challenged me to look at myself.

I know that I will still fall into some patterns of guilt and anger over circumstances, but will remember to look at it for what it is and not for what I think it is. I know I will blame myself again but can look back and try not to make it worse by falling into despair. God gave me good people in my life and I am very thankful! You ladies and Steve (who does not read this) really helped! Thanks!

Beat It

An unexpected turn of events has occured today. My past has now become my daughter's present. I hate that it translated into that. I ran from it, left it, moved on, forgave, and wished and prayed for change from the past and it still showed up. Right in the middle of her missions trip.

What is good about this? I keep asking myself. God is in control. This is not a surprise to Him. He has a purpose, He has a goal. He has a teaching moment. He is Love. I just need to be patient and watch Him work.

Uninvited

Anger, rage, mean thoughts, not being able to see people as God's own, not being ok with not being ok, wanting to be perfect, wanting to look a certain way, not accepting the gifts in front of me, not spending time with the Most Important, not trying hard enough to get over it. These things are uninvited! These things are not me, they are not invited when I sit alone or go out with people. They are not who I want to be or even try to be. These are not welcome. Hopefully they get the memo!

Give Me a Kiss to Build a Dream On

What wonderful memories of my wedding to Steve! To stand up in front of my family and not be ashamed of what I was doing or why I was doing it. I loved that day.

I wish that I had talent to speak to many girls and tell them to wait, to not give in, to stay pure, to make your lovelife about God then the right guys will come into place, to never do 'Witness Dating', people usually change you before you change them. I want them to know my story and wish that sometimes it would not be so hard to tell. God has given me opportunities and I am sure He will give me more. I need to be there for those women when they are pregnant or emotionally stunted from actions that took mere minutes. I need to pray for others to see with Christ's eyes. I need to remember that I once did not believe that I would give in and allow them to have their journey but walk with them if I need to or am called to.

I hope that those who are suffering are all granted my fairy tale ending with my dream man!

Good Day, Sunshine

That sums up yesterday. I had a fun, FULL day. Church at 2 different places with 2 different purposes. Extended family lunch, church picnic (very extended family lunch), open house and ended with a family movie and a good night's sleep.

Loved the weather, loved the company, loved it all.

Daddy's Girl

Here is my baby, Gracie. Her smile can make my day! She is encouraging and helpful and so loving. She is so much like her daddy!

She is very shy which you would never know if she trusts you. I pray that she will always keep her happy spirit and be confident in all she does.

She is my snuggler and she LOVES to beat up Daddy and Papa. She draws with Nana and always wants to do what Mikey is doing, unless she wants to be alone. I have asked Steve if she is OK when she goes in her room and plays alone and he just laughs and says I did that all time. I can not quite get that but am trying.

Twist and Shout

It is my baby boy's 10 birthday and the title fits him to a 'T'. He has been moving and grooving since he was in the womb. He even wanted out early! He has been running since 10 months and becoming such a man of God!

He is so honest and sensible and a spitten image of his father. I had him, shouldn't he look like me?

Cinderella

Here is my Cinderella, who is growing up so fast! It seems like yesterday she was playing dress up with little curls and able to sit on my lap and now she is 6 inches taller than me and looking like a lady. She loves God so much and I am so glad that He claimed her and she is choosing to walk with Him. She has gone through so much more than I ever did at that age and she still remains positive! I learn from her more than I realize and love her so much.

This song by Steven Curtis Chapman reminds me to cherish every moment she allows me to have with her and often times I would much rather be left alone but I need to make those memories. I so enjoy when we can just have fun and hang out. I love to see how she is with Steve and the bond they have, how sweet she can be when she wants to be to her brother and sister and how much she adores her Nana.

So, friends, help me to remember that I do love this girl and that soon she will be my friend and not just my daughter. Remind me to hold her and pray for her and remember that she still is my baby.

That's What Friends are For

I hope that I am someone who when someone out there hears this song they think 'Yep, that is Brenda'. I often fail at friendships. I over think, underestimate and get worried about too many things in friendship. Although some people still like me. :)



This weekend I get to spend time with 3 lovely ladies and go garage saling and take a 'vacation from my problems'. I hope to laugh, sleep, eat, keep watch over my tongue, have fun, feel young, eat, sleep, laugh and learn with these ladies. Lots of expectations but not too far reaching.

Daylight is Coming

First, I want the sunshine again, but the title refers to the wonderful band we had at Districts in Duluth with 2900 youth. The band was called Remedy Drive and they were certainly entertaining!

I realized that I am not made for leadership of 48 youth, but God thought I should be this weekend and it worked out and He was still glorified!

I learned some things, like:

• Boys really need a man as a leader.
• Girls go to the bathroom a lot and can not sit through an hour and a half session.
• I need to expect more from the kids and they will usually meet the challenge (they did, they were really good!)
• A little understanding goes a long way.
• I need at least 5 hours of sleep a night! (still trying to catch up!)
• The Cheese ball lady was so funny and informative! (www.keepyourpantson.org)
• I can give everything and God will replenish me!

Overall, a good experience in a tough situation. Praying for our youth pastor whose mom went Home last Friday, one hour before we left for the conference. The funeral is this weekend.

Things Left Unsaid

I decided that I needed to give my testimony at the church meeting on Sunday night and left a few things unsaid. So here is the ending...

I do know that God works all things out for good even when it hurts to learn why. I love how I have needed to walk in others shoes to really understand and be able to empathize with them and then hopefully show God's love.

I have come to see unconditional love in human form from my husband, Steve, who loves me despite who I was and sees the best in who I am now. My 3 kids show me God's grace. They show me innocence, the need to learn and love more, the desire to be better, the need to have fun and how to really love people through the good and the bad.

I have been honored by my church to partner in the spiritual maturity of my children and myself. Two of my children have come to know Christ with the help of the teachers and the leadership of a great children's Pastor. My oldest has learned to walk with the Lord through many things with the direction of my youth Pastor and his wife and our current interim Pastor. The love that the people of my church have shown in the last six years shows me Christ's love.

I am always searching for answers that God provides in His time and realize that when I look through His eyes everything is clear. I pray that I can be used daily for His glory.

*If you see a theme my passion is to love like Christ, unselfishly, willing to lay my life down. I fail sometimes before I even get out of the house, but I am constantly walking with that goal and hoping that it is shown even when I am crabby, whiny or self involved. A work in progress just like my testimony will be, but I am excited to see the outcome.

Wanna Talk About Me

I have been so self involved lately. Oh poor Brenda, life's so hard! I have not seen outside myself to realize that many other people are dealing with way more than me, for much longer and need support, love and understanding. I almost feel like I have been numb for the last three weeks. Walking around, doing life and not feeling anything. I have not been depressed or too anxious (maybe getting anxious).



I do believe that world is so affected by the weather. It is something we all have in common and most of us need to see sunshine and warmth after a long winter. I see so much more positive attitudes around me.



My goal now is to focus on the other people that God has put in my life and to help when I can. To figure out what I can do with what comes my way daily and not do any long-term planning as it only gets complicated. To be happy that I have a healthy family, a home and lots of love. To be thankful everyday!

The Old Rugged Cross

My heart breaks when I hear the nails that were pound because of my sins. I am so blessed but for no other reason than His love, nothing I do can make me whole, can cover my sins.
Hallelujah to the Christ who came so I can be forgiven and not have to 'do' the sacrifice for my sins, because He is the sacrifice. Hallelujah that He is Risen!!!

If I Had a Million Dollars

What would you do with a million dollars? Right now stay sane, but really I would love to be able to help out friends who are desperate, be debt free, buy clothes for my kids anytime they needed it, and give a lot away. Really it might be harder, more greatness in anything means more responsibility.

No money won't buy me happiness but sure would make things easier. I am so glad I don't have to make the money decisions and that Steve is so great at that.

Other thoughts are I am getting old, can money buy more brain power? I am so random and not able to remember things but I can't wait until my 35th birthday! May, here I come and sun and warmth! Yeah summer!

Love Story

I desire a 'happy ending' to many things. I want things to end timely, orderly, and the way I want them to end. This is not life and I am starting to really embrace that. I dig the weird endings movies, they end on a good note, where good wins over evil but not the normal 'happy endings'. Right now I am in a moment of the beginning of the end of many chapters.

I am a planner. I may not seem that way but I like my time to be organized and to be in control of what is happening next. God has such a sense of humor. The Author of some very funny moments in my life as it has been a series of chaos, mishaps and wonderful endings anyway. I am so glad that I am not in control!

It is my 11th year married to the man of my dreams on Saturday! I can't wait for everyday ahead with him! He is one of my top ten gifts in life! Our 'Love Story' is so much like the Taylor Swift song even down to the father (actually my mother) warning him of my 'scarlet letter' and baggage, but he asked my dad and mom for my hand and time has been great ever since, we dance in the rain a lot, many storms but we keep dancing!

Lucky to be in Love with My Best Friend

Had a very busy but fun weekend. Got to see a lot of friends and realized that I am so much more myself lately. My hubby being with me helps a lot. Got to eat a lot of food that I did not have to make, talk with people that I don't talk to every day and really watch people.

Almost like the fair, but with people I knew. I love people watching, seeing how they react. I surprised myself and talked more than usual. I think I got all my words out for today as I told my husband to go watch the race with his dad and take all the kids with him. I enjoy a quiet house sometimes.

The Lord has answered prayers lately, not always the easy answers but I know they will all work for the glory of Him. Steve may be laid off next week in a shop layoff but rehired in May/June. I have peace. There may be restructure in my job but so needed. I may lose a friendship that I love but God has plans. My daughter is home safe but still dealing with a lot!

Thank you Lord for the answer to prayer!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I dream of this perfect land sometimes. A land where I fit in. I wonder if I truly don't fit in because I don't try to or just circumstances. Circumstances such as I have all school age kids, most of my friends have toddlers or at least one non-school age kids. I work, part-time but it still makes me different than some. I have no creative abilities, I would love to be able to find it fun to scrap with my friends, but I can't cut and don't have the time to really learn how to, I need LOTS of help.
Or it could be that I don't go to things, I have a fear of trusting people and I have a problem with being honest with my feelings and being rejected.
I feel a bit stuck right now. Ruts happen all the time and that is where I am. We have some 'things' going on at home, some more health issues and I seem to be tired a lot so until that is overcome this rut will continue and I know that I will feel reconnected again in God's time.

Control

This is really what I want in life. Something I will never attain. Control is something I never really would be ready to take fully on. I wish I could sometimes be the puppet master and make things happen, make people love, make people honest, make people understand, make people listen and make people see God.

I have given up the quest of being liked by everybody, the quest of fitting a mold or trying to be something I am not. I know who I am and I definitely know who I AM NOT! I am OK with me it's just how I react to the world around me, to the pain, to the joy, to it all. I need to lay it all down and let God be in control and leave it at that. I am sure that is something I will be working on until heaven but something good to keep in mind.

I'm Living Up to Her Low Expectations

I learned something about myself yesterday. I believe that if you are a man, other than my hubby or my daddy, you will treat me bad. I expect that and was totally proven wrong by a man who, even though I messed up, was so calm and nice and rational about it. I actually thanked him for being nice and realized I expected him to be angry and mean. I know not many men read this but I am sorry that I let a few bad men damage how I see all men. That is so wrong!

I was so crabby and down on myself yesterday. Could be the weather or that I misplaced a few things or that I am not yet who I want to be with organizing the house, my workspace, my to-do lists, my time with those most important, - God, hubby, kids, friends, or just that I made a choice to be crabby.

Today is a better day. Doesn't sleep and watching ER always make you feel better? No, I really think that God is allowing me to find out who I WANT to be and even though my mood was dreary, I did not break, I did not blame anyone else. Good things.

Now off to conferences for Ashley and helping with a fundraiser for her school. It is nice to actually be able to volunteer!

That's Why Praise Him, That's Why We Sing

I am so amazed by the power of God. He pulls things together in a way I would never dream of. He gives us time and space to be still and Know Him. He gives us resources to meet our needs. He gives us other people to help when we can no longer help ourselves.

I have had to learn to lean on people and yet have not yet learned to be vunerable around them. I would prefer if I never cried in front another person, but I also would prefer to never have a reason to cry. Unrealistic of course but a wish.

I am feeling the power of prayer. I now see hope and know that I don't have to be in control, that there is someone else in charge. I am happy to see my baby girl sees that God has a plan and is starting to look Up.

Remember When

I am so searching right now for answers and I know the right Book to read but there is not a clear cut solution to this one. I wonder if you ever can truly forgive yourself for something that has life long consequences. I am waiting to get past the pain and move to the knowledge that I always get to that God is in control and He has a purpose and I need to trust Him. It may take awhile this time.

My heart breaks to see people in pain, to see people cry and suffer. I want to take it all away, but realize I can't. God can hold them while I hold them in prayer. I wish I could do more.

To love someone the way they want to be loved by someone else, to give them knowledge that only God can fill the void and make them whole, no person will ever do that and no person can take that away. To watch, waiting on the Lord and knowing He is good and will follow through with His promises. Patience, prayer, hope...

Good Times

We just enjoyed a family week with my parents, lots of driving and some sun. It is so hard to drive back home and it keeps getting colder. We went to the State Fair, Edison/Ford Winter Homes, stayed in Naples a night, rode Airboats in the Everglades, swam at my parents pool a lot, did a bunch of homework, ate wonderful food from Nana, went to the beach and St. Pete Pier, and just got away from it all.

I forget vacations are also about reconnecting and removing yourself from the daily grind. I was much more calm on this trip. What great times, I am ready to get back to my bed though. : )

Arms of Love

(This is an old school Amy Grant song that fits me - I need to stay safe even in the blue sky!)

Lord I’m really glad you’re here.
I hope you feel the same when you see all my fear,
And how I fail,
I fall sometimes.
It’s hard to walk on shifting sand.
I miss the rock, and find there’s nowhere left to stand;
I start to cry.
Lord, please help me raise my hands so you can pick me up.
Hold me close,
Hold me tighter.
I have found a place where I can hide.
It’s safe inside
Your arms of love.
Like a child who’s helped throughout a storm,
You keep me warm
In your arms of love.
Storms will come and storms will go.
Wonder just how many storms it takes until
I finally know
You’re here always.
Even when my skies are far from gray,I can stay;
Teach me to stay there,
In the place I’ve found where I can hide.
It’s safe inside
Your arms of love.
Like a child who’s helped throughout a storm,
You keep me warm
In your arms of love.

It's the Final Countdown

It is Feb. 2 and 10 more days until we leave for Florida! This winter has been so long! I am excited to see my parents and spend time rushing to the beach, to the pool and drive around in the golf cart instead of rushing to work, rushing to school and driving in my car.

I believe we will all be healthy by then as everyone is sick this week except Gracie and I.

Finally, It Happened to Me

I feel better today. Still a bit of pain on the right side but not constant and not as sharp!!! YEA!
It is amazing how my mood has changed and how I feel ok for whining for a bit. It really was painful for the past 4 months but I am so glad I kept pushing to fix it.

I am home from church today with my Mikey who is sick. My challenge to myself for this week is to be still more often and hear God. I need direction and I know He will show me the way.

Don't Cry Outloud

I feel like a big whiner and can not wait until when someone asks me how I am I can say 'Great!'. I am still in pain and having some issues with meds and the healing inside but I just want to be able to stay up past 10 pm and not need a nap everyday and feel normal.

Ok - got that out of my system. So, the thing I was thinking about today was loving people how I want to be loved. I sometimes see it as too much work to actually think about things like that and it seems worthy of time and effort to love like Christ.

To love with no judgement, honesty, through the good, the bad and the ugly (been there lately). To love with no regrets and share with open hearts. To trust people, that they won't just throw me away because I don't fit their mold. I really have a hard time trusting people so why should they trust me and invest in me. I am working on that, have been working on that for about 14 years now. I trusted people until I loved someone who was not worthy and treated me like I was nothing and I believed it and am now working on believing I am something if only in Christ.

IF ONLY IN CHRIST - that should be enough. Christ's Love is enough. His choosing me is enough. Because God loves me I am somebody. I want to love like Christ. I want everyone to feel like they are so special they are crazy not to know it. I hope Steve feels that way and my kids know love. I hope my friends feel that love, if it is not from me from their spouses. I know Steve loves me like that and I am forever thankful for God allowing me to feel a bit of His unconditional love on earth.

Wouldn't It Be Nice?

It is the time of year I like the least. I don't hate it but I enjoy going outside and this is not fun outdoor time for me. I like taking a full breath outside and not hacking because the air is so dry and freezing. I love fall to Christmas, second is summer and this time of year is last, but we are heading out of town for a weekend and soon to go to Florida.

I am in search of finding my niche this time of year. Prayer comes more easily as it gets dark early. Time seems to go slowly and I should cherish that and yet I yearn for spring days and lighter coats. I need to be content with now and then embrace the change. When will I get that right? Something I can always work on, I guess.

I think I may start my own holiday. Just a reason in February for a party. Not sure what to call it, not a Valentines thing but families and food and some traditional game playing or something. Maybe a Mexican/Sioux festival with my own nationality dance and theme song. Would you come to my Mex/Native Americana fest?

You're My Best Friend

I have never been one to say this is my best friend until I got married to Steve. I never called girlfriends that because in Junior High I did and hurt someone else so I thought better not call anyone that. I have had many life long friends and have been so blessed by those relationships.

I often refer to my mom now as one of my closest friends. What a great God I have to bring us together! I love my mom so much and miss her when she is in Florida. Less than a month until I see her and can be warm in the sunshine in Florida!

I love so many different things about the people in my life. God uses people daily to serve Him and when we listen we make a huge difference. Here is how people, friends, were used this past week for me -

• Talking on the phone with me.
• Going to a movie/having a pedi with me
• Coming and making sure I was ok.
• Meals
• Phone calls
• Emails

It all meant so much and prayers. I was so blessed to be praying for another friend and not fretting about myself this surgery. What a great God! Still praying that God supports this other friend through this tough time the way He is holding me!

Walk This Way, Talk This Way

I often feel like a teen who is disobedient when I don't want to conform to the way people want me to. I know that I should be grateful for all I have and should be positive - who loves a 'Debbie Downer' but sometimes things get to me and I want to vent. I just need to make better choices of how I vent and who I vent to but I think it is helpful to the family if I get it off my chest and move on.

I have appreciated how people are teaching me to pray! Pray always, pray before you speak, pray when you are worried, pray for those you are fighting with, pray for your children, pray for healing for those who are sick, pray for patience. Many other things yet to learn!

I know I am not the same mold as most, but I hope to only be like One and I will always be working on that.

You Gotta Have Faith

I forget these truths so often.

• Trust God.
• He will provide.
• He keeps His promises.
• Pray.
• Love and know God loves you.
• Learn more about God and read about His faithfulness through the generations.