Mary, Did You Know?

This is one of those songs that gives me chills.  To be able to relate to someone that held a baby, who is my Savior, the Savior of the world - amazing.  I wonder if like me she felt very unworthy.

That is my day today.  I know this is feeling not from God but I feel like I am failing as a wife, mother, Christ-follower, and many things.  I have gone to the Word and the first thing I read was the Proverbs woman.  Now that did not help as I will never be like that, if you find a woman like that she should share how she does it with us all.  I then read my Proverbs for the day and saw how I needed to think, to think of things eternal, not things of this world.  I know that I will get over this feeling.  I know I am fighting things not of this world. 

Just like Mary, I have no idea the impact I have on this world or my children have on this world and will rest in the fact that God has a purpose for me, this I know, that He loves me.

Does Anybody Hear her?

So we begin the month of thankfulness.  I listened to this song today and am so thankful that I have been where I have been in life so I can be here, right now.  My life is not cookie cutter anything.  Very few have the same journey as another so that is not unusual to be unique, but I am thankful today that I can relate to people that I onced judged, was once ashamed to be, but now see it was all for a purpose.  So we begin November and all I am thankful for stay tuned...

Just Another Day for You and Me in Paradise

I know I often am told and joke about it myself on the fact that I am a princess in my house. My hubby is awesome, and right now and this past summer I got a taste of what my friends have all the time and that is him working all the time. My kids are awesome, but sometimes I do have to light a fire under them to do any chores. I am healthy, some things lurking around but doing ok today. I have a great job that I don't take home with me. I have great family who I actually like to talk to and miss when I don't see them, ok most of them I miss. I have great friends, who I have cut myself off from lately, hope to reengage soon. I am in paradise. Not so long ago I wasn't. I NEVER forget that. I know what depression, abuse, hate, disrespect, uselessness, unwantedness, fear, and hopelessness feel like and I am not even close. I know many who are, many who need to be reached out to and I feel compelled to try to do something. I feel compelled to pray that people who need Joy look for it from the Source of joy. I hear the song in my head that goes - if each one could reach one - and I mean it. I just pray that I can show, be a tool for Christ and show JOY! Routine is great and gives me a chance to organize my life a bit. I find the time to give to Him, to work at friendships, to find new ones. This may sound strange but I will start next week when I am used to the routine of waking up early again but it is good to have a goal.

As Time Goes By

Summer is passing by quickly. The FAIR starts next week!! I also get to pack up my child and move her to her new place. Hoping it all goes well. We have had a great summer and it has been great to have a great job.

My Heart Will Go On

I am sad. Not physically or even emotionally but mentally sad at how cruel and angry this world can be. The Colorado tragedy made me remember how I am choosing to not live in fear. After 9/11 it was really hard for Ashley or me to get her back on a plane to see her biological dad. Even today I saw a plane touching down at MSP and wondered if it was going to be used as a weapon. After Columbine I had to be ok with my kids going to school, knowing something could always happen. I don't think I will feel the same way about movie theaters but you never know. Then I go on facebook/twitter really anywhere and people are arguing about a company that does not even exist in MN. Most are arguing as people outraged over their freedom to have values. Some are arguing about not really offending people they would never be associated with. Most just like to hear themselves speak. (I laugh at this as I am typing to get my thoughts out but know it is just like talking to myself. :)) It seems so stupid. No, I am not calling people stupid this argument is stupid. I see people who have been forgotten everyday. Not just by their kids, or their ex spouses, but by the government and by humankind. That makes me sad. I feel I always have to end everything with a happy note so I will do the same right now. Vacation starts on Monday!!! Other than the Olympics maybe I will stay disconnected too and take a vacation from my problems, doubt it but maybe worth a try.

Happiness is to Know the Savior

We had a customer service required meeting this week. We had to do many exercises in active listening and at one point had to tell a story about what we are passionate about. I am passionate about my Jesus. I could not say this at a "PC" company session. So, I said that I love my kids and my husband and those are my passions. We had to do another exercise on feelings and my one coworker said "I feel sad and wish I could be as happy as you." I actually don't see myself as overly happy, but glad that the joy of the Lord is present in my life. Don't ever think that people don't see what you really are even when you don't show them everything about yourself. Good lesson for me.

Somebody that I used to Know

I was starting to think this about my daughter. That I did not know her anymore. But I see sparks of the 'real' Ashley coming through. It is amazing what the drama of teenagerdom really does to one. It is something we all overcome. Living between the worlds of being an adult and a child (which I still feel like I am too, at least when my mom is around)is hard. God is working though and I am excited to get to know each phase. I actually mean that today. Woohoo that is progress.

I am trying really hard to be accountable for my reactions to the actions lately. I am also trying really hard to get into shape but that seems to not be as important.

I am trying to deal with graduation and my upcoming 20th High School reunion that I have not yet fully planned yet but so happy that I have some great friends helping! I will get to see somebodies that I used to know.

From This Moment

We just celebrated 14 years of marriage, yeah! Glad he has put up with me and all that I entail.

We have been back from Florida for about a month now and so I thought I would post some pictures. This is when we FINALLY made it to Florida.

The Zoo

The Beach

The Kids in a tree

The Surprise, which we still don't know about but will see at the lake

The Trip Home

Great Trip, maybe the last one with the oldest. Not going to think about that right now, not going to cry...

Celebrate Good Times Come On!

I love vacations and love my parents and love my hubby and love my kids. Yep, we had a good time in Florida. Pictures might come, we will see. It was good to just have fun, just relax, just forget about life and enjoy the sun. One child got way too sunburn. I had a fun fall that is still healing but laughed as I was laying on the ground. Got some good pictures, ate some great food, had some good laughs, lost every game I played but if that is the worst.

God is teaching me to wait on Him more and more. To lean on Him and not worry. Let's see if I can master this one.

I Don't Know What to do with Myself

I am really unsure these days that I got anything right. There are some things in my life that I for sure did WRONG! There are a few things I am sure I did right, but some days like today shake that. I need to get on my knees and realize it is all a gift. I am not promised good days just days that will glorify God. I am not promised 'normal'. I am not promised peace, self assurance, but Hope. I am promised Hope of heaven, of eternal peace.
Today I failed as a mom. I even said I wasn't going to do that again and I did it. I think I must of done something very wrong to begin with, been to open, been to ok with my kids telling me exactly how they feel, over talking with my children, who knows. Today I have crumbled and I am not sure how to rebuild. I am not sure how to make it right or pleasing for my Savior. I am just not sure. Broken.

"But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

James 4:6 ESV
I am humbled tonight.

I'm So Glad I'm a Part of the Family of God

I can honestly say that after a long while of just having to have joy in the family of God. It is not perfect now and nothing magical or significant happened but I am finally ok with walking into my church and being a part of the congregation. I think it has been 2 years since I felt ok with it. Not that I feel like my feelings should rule my life or that I should have to have a sense of love or belonging to that community, because in some ways that hasn't changed. I just feel peace. I wish I knew why but I think the main reason that I am ok is time. I actually waited on the Lord to show me an answer, I was taught patience, I learned something. I love that. I really, really love that. :)

I'll Do It My Way

Due to deductible time and the fact that I have had two CT's in the last month, money is a bit less than usual at the Chermak house. So then I start to worry (I know that I shouldn't and God always reassures me with that) and prioritize my spending. Now most of you know I just work to send my kids to Christian school. That's it and if we cut that out we would have a lot more money. There are moments that this sounds great. A bus to pick them up, no uniforms, the list can go on.
Here is why we send them. First, each kid is different. Ashley went to public until 5th grade. This is how Steve and I did it. We went to public and then for jr and sr high we went to NLA. We moved Ashley to Christ Lutheran and Michael went to public for kindegarten. Then all the kids went to CLS after that. This is where God led us to go. I don't believe everyone should go to Christian schools. I am not always sure it is right for my kids, but I know Steve is and he is who I follow.
He made a great choice for Michael by switching him to NLA this year. What an awesome experience it is for him and Gracie too!
Back to why we send them other than that is how we were raised. I love that my kids get the Biblical perspective in all their classes. I love that more families than not believe the same things we do, we have foundation with other parents to start with. Life is not perfect, maybe not better, but I have heard many say when times get financially tough, take your kids out of private school. It is not an option for us.
I also am thinking about this because I hate to be judged or talked about because of this choice and yet I just judged a family member for making the public school choice. What a hypocrite I am! I don't know anyone's stuff and they have the right to do what they feel is right for their family. I am sorry for that.
Just things to get off my chest.

Unpretty

This world is crazy. I saw that last night as I pretended to watch the game with some friends. I did watch the commercials when I was in the room. I had a good time, but I saw what was being sold the most. Doritos. No really, perfect bodies on women in particular are pranced around everywhere, to sell a car, to sell food, to sell insurance. It doesn't usually bother me until I hear my size 4 daughter say 'I'm fat'. She did not learn this at home. Not at her home in MN at least.


What can I do?

Unwritten

I have been anxious lately. I thought it was a lack of patience for the 8 or so stones remaining to be passed from my kidneys or the drugs that I am taking to not have pain. But it is not. It is my baby girl, Ashley.

What will she do next year? What will her life be like, what school will she go to, what will she major in? It is not in my hands. I remember putting her on a plane alone for the first time when she was 5. I gave her to God that day. She was not mine, she has always been His but this is way harder than I thought. Letting go, not getting too involved, yet still responsible for her while she is here. Confusing, makes me anxious, but I know exactly what to do, just like I did as she had to be away from me for at least a week a year with someone I did not trust. I need to trust my Father is watching her. I know He is.

Keep Holding On

What would it be like to live in a fairy tale? I think that I do live in one. I am a princess, treated really well by all who live with me. We always get along. We never yell or fight or cry. Ok I am on pain meds and this not true but close.

I went to a Sunday school class with Ashley that talked about mothers and daughters. One thing that was brought up was talking things out. This is one thing Ashley and I and Steve have done well with this year. We are very open and no topic is off limits. We may have to take a break and get back to it but it has really helped. We do fight and get on each others nerves and then I get a stone or 11 and everybody gets on my nerves. Right now I am in SO MUCH PAIN.

Anywho, my lovely people have been great or at least that is how I am seeing it. :)

Love's The Only House Big Enough for all the Pain in the World

I have been unsettled lately. I have wondered why when I have been blessed with so much. I have a great God, family, friends, health, enough money, time and a job. I have this feeling that I don't feel too often, this heaviness.

I figured it out a few days ago. I have talked about how one of my passions is to love like Christ and my fellow Christians usually agree with me. My problem is the lack of practice. There are so many people that are waiting to see Christ in others. To just have them talk to them, to invite them to coffee or dinner, to bake them cookies or send them a card. I do NOT do it enough so this is not a rant about anyone in particular just something I have been pondering and praying on and trying to change in myself. To love and live like Christ who accepts everyone, not just the ones who have the kids the same age as me, or kids that I enjoy for that matter. Not just the people who have the same interests or personality disorders that I have. Not just the ones who love Christ or show love easily.

I see so many people hurting because we forget to say 'hi' to them in the mall or the store or the hallway at Church. I admit to having looked forward to seeing my 'friends' at church and there are many that I have over more often than others. You can't be friends with everyone, my mom would say, which is true, but we can be loving to everyone. I need to work on this.

Suddenly I See

This weekend we chose to see our former Interim Senior Pastor at his church that he is filling in for and the sermon and the people and the experience was exactly what we all needed. Not that I need another church but it is great to feel connected to the family of God outside of the building that I attend for church. Learned about Habakkuk and some really pressing answers to questions I have been wrestling with this year. Ashley got to see a friend who is going through a tough time and be an encouragement. I got to see a friend I have been wanting to connect with again for about 20 years and it felt like we just saw each other the day before. It was so good.

There are not many times that I think 'wow, it is all coming together' but this was a good moment, an ochrestrated moment by God I believe.

Pinch Me

So, my 11 year old threw a fit the other day. Something did not go her way and I could not believe that she was doing that and then I said to my husband, 'She learned that from me'. I usually end my tantrums with 'I'm done'. I NEED TO WORK ON SELF-CONTROL! This is the year to be more calm, silent, think before I speak. I will do it and then when I blog about this again - please feel free to pinch me. ;)