Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

So we have had a lovely Christmas. We were ALL together as last Monday we found out Ashley had mono and pneumonia and needed to stay home. After a week in the house she was able to go to the Chermak Christmas but was really worn out. The other two and myself now have colds but a good week to get better. What a blessing of time we have been given.

The Lord has let me learn to wait on Him and trust Him in all things once again. I know I may never end my learning curve. Excited to see what is next!

I Can Play the Background

I am definitely letting God lead right now. My baby is in physical pain over an emotional issue and we had to bring her to the ER last night to deal with the stomach pain caused by an ongoing problem. I have to know that God is in control and this will lead to His glory.

I don't have answers. I don't have questions either. I have faith. I can only lean right now. Only trust in Him. I know He will give me wisdom to make a decision that will cause problems but maybe it will also define the solution.

I am not getting in the way this time, I am playing the background.

Ring of Fire

I feel like I am walking through a ring of fire right now. There are things that I am not dealing with but if I looked at closely would hurt or make me anxious but instead I am walking through them. Not alone, mind you but with God, my Protector and the wonderful people He gave me to hold my hand through this time.

I never thought that I would be calm about such changes but know it is the Prince of Peace whose carrying me now.

I had a great night just chilling with a few friends that I could have let it all out with but it was fun to laugh and talk about our plans for Christmas and not cry, enough of that to come I believe and maybe not, maybe this peace will continue. I am very thankful for my friends, for my family, for my Lord.

Falling to Pieces

There are moments that I fall in love again with my Lord Jesus Christ. It is usually when I am so low I have to look up but I am always in awe of how much He gives for us, how much He loves us and how much He expects from us. He expects us to love like Him, walk like Him, and mostly glorify Him and I sometimes think that is crazy, some mornings I can't even comb my hair right, but that is the great thing, He does not expect us to do it alone. With His Holy Spirit, His Word, we can bring it all to where it belongs at His feet. We should be a reflection of Him and I am so glad that He expects me to do this and is walking along with me.

Sleigh Ride

My mood did change as I sat on the bus with a bunch of 6/7th graders and observed how much life is still the same in Jr. High, but that is another post.

I so enjoyed the concert today with Orchestra Hall filled with kids and how they all got quiet as the orchestra picked up their instruments and spoke to us through music. It was great! I watched one violinist who danced with her violin, or so it seemed. The kids actually enjoyed it although it may not be cool to admit it. What music does for the soul, it amazes me and by the second song my impatience with a few minor pains in my life were gone. I was thanking God for my hearing and my job as I was able to just shift my schedule to do a field trip with my son. I am so blessed. It just took a bus ride to Minneapolis to remember that.

BANG YOUR HEAD

I feel as that is how you could sum up my year. I am having a bad moment and just feel like I can not stay on top of my health. I finally got over my side pain or almost, and then I fell and have a concussion. Most just laugh it off and really don't understand that I hate not being able to truly process things and have a constant headache, but I am sure since I am a not very smart girl they have a right to laugh. I am now starting my maybe 3rd cold this season. I am having a terrible, no-good, very bad moment right now.

I am off to see "Sleigh Ride" at Orchestra Hall and will enjoy that with my son's class. I just need to gain perspective. Not look at life so one dimensionally and know that this too shall pass and God is in control and wants me to be humbly at His feet.

Let Them Be Little

After a wonderful slip on the ice skating rink that was the Twin Cities, I landed on my head. I have a concussion but am fine but this post will definately be a bit random.

I look at my friends and hope that they enjoy each screaming, whining, needy minute that their babies to 7 year olds give them. My kids still need me but sometimes in a way that I need my husband and that is just to love them and make sure they know that won't change. I don't miss the diapers, the 3 am feedings (although my kids get up a lot), the constant touch of the children or them not being able to tell me exactly what they need. But I do miss the unspoken communication, them snuggling so much more, watching them sleep (really don't miss the diapers).

I do love the age they are at and how they are becoming such fun people. God makes us all unique even in a family unit.

I mainly need to let go of my oldest baby for Christmas once again and am having a hard time with it. I didn't really expect it this year but know that she so wants to go. I need to be happy. I need to GIVE her the freedom to be happy about it although everytime I hear 'I'll be home for Christmas' I will cry. I need to let her know I love her no matter what. Not that hard to do as I do love her no matter what just need to let my head heal a bit before we bring it up again, I get more weepy with the headache I have.

God is good and will make this Christmas and all times, a time of growing. I trust that!

Give it Away, Give it Away, Give it away now

I think the thing I most am unwilling to give is time. I like my time. I want to keep it safe and for family and myself. Sometimes I am not even willing to share it with God, how selfish. Time to listen to people, pray for people, cry with people (God is working on this one a lot with me this year) and encourage people. I want to know in my head and heart that this time wasn't about me feeling comfortable, for life to be easy or about me, it is to glorify God and the only way I can do that is by giving away my time for Him.

Right now my time is with sick kids or I would type more. Off to see if they are ok! Strep should be no longer alive in my house soon!

Happy Happy Birthday Baby!

My baby turned double digits. I no longer have a single digit kid. I just got used to having a 16 year old and now I have to get used to being the mom of a 16, 11, and 10 year old. Crazy how fast it went!

Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart - 30 Day Giving Challenge

I got started on this challenge late and they are already on Day 15. My hubby is great at giving, whether time, talent or money, he is always giving and I am learning from him. So far the only charity that we are working on is Feed My Starving Children and Operation Christmas Child all the rest is people we know. That is how Steve does it, find a need and help where we can.

Yesterday at church we talked with some people and found out they are having a hard time, having to sell their home they just moved into so that they can make it. They have no idea where they are moving to but they know God is in charge. Moments like these I wish we made loads of money but it would never be ours as we would love to be there for all who are hurting.

We also have a family member who is on his second year of unemployment and many troubles with their house and so on. What can we do? I am not always sure. We can pray, we can give what we can, we can show love and support. I want to do more.

Life is rough for so many in this economy. Just last spring Steve was down to half time work and now he is so busy and I NEED to be thankful. It is required of me. This I must remember and to give what has never been mine. All I have is God's and I need to remember that.

Blessed Be the Name

What a great hymn! What a great honor to sing about the Lord! What a blessing to know He is in control and will bring things to His glory in His time! Trusting in Him today!

Holiness is What I Long For

I heard a wonderful, inspiring, humbling talk on how I need to get to the business of Christ. Of learning, loving, living like Him and to be obedient and follow Him and His Word. Does not sound new but it was refreshing and needed to hear of the renewal I need to make. I do get caught up in the need to feel happy, the need to feel comfortable, to not be stretched or go through any type of trouble.

I have friends that I love dearly that often ask me about the craziness of schedules and life and the needs of the kids and working and then the pain that I am dealing with and why I don't look as crazy as they feel. I respond with this is life. I am crazy and stressed and yell at my kids and all that bad stuff but I am content right now. (I can say that today). I don't know what life is like not planning it around someone else and quite frankly don't want to know for quite some time. I don't want to forget the struggles of life as I know that more will come and those that have been or I am going through will shape me, mold me hopefully into a more loving person.

I have been in prayer for many issues I don't have control over lately. I like control. I want to know what is happening next but not in this season of life is that going to happen. For the first time in a long time I am happy trusting that God is in control. Yeah for baby steps.

Happy To Be Stuck with You

Enjoying life with this man!

Video Killed the Radio Star

I am overwhelmed at how much technology as parents we need to monitor for our kids. I know most peoples response is don't let them have it and then you won't fight over it but it is not that easy. I work with youth and the only way to get a response is by facebook and texting. Why? I don't know. Half the time my daughter texts stuff she needs to call and get details anyway so why not start by calling? I don't know.

I actually think that there is too much access to people, information on the web. I think we all long for more physical or face to face contact. I love the feel of books and hope my children love them too. I have thought about this way too much.

Help, I need somebody!

I need advice or someone to remind me this is normal or say this too shall pass or something. I always hear that teenagers cause gray hair but I never believed it until now. I have a teenager who I love. She loves the Lord, she loves her family, she loves to do laundry (not clean her room though), all in all a great kid but she also loves to push the limits. We have to explain every option as to why we set a rule, what it really entails, what the meaning of the word after don't means. I am getting tired, old and gray doing all this so advice, words of wisdom, anything. Please help!

I do love her but want to not get after her everyday for texting in school or leaving school before it is over. These are not even my rules. I know that I could send her to the principal to deal with it but just not sure, maybe I am too picky. She has study hall last period that is why she left early one day after a make up test. She said she thought it was ok and my first thought was 'I am not sure you were thinking'.

I will wait for your comments and go get some hot tea while I wait. I am sure you all can fix this. :)

Behind these Hazel Eyes

Ok maybe they are brown or yellow or flecky, not a word. I am numb a bit about my appointment to Mayo tomorrow. My hubby is actually coming with me and the colors and day should be good but really what new I am going to learn about? I am still in pain. No one knows what it is for sure. My PT thinks it is a rib problem. No definite answer on if it will ever heal. Kind of a bummer huh? I hope for answers every time this time not so much. I hope to just not think about it anymore. Pretend it is gone.

Change is back in the air again in life in general. I should be used to it by now but never really do get used to it. I often wonder if I would be bored if it did not change. I guess I will never know.

Love the colors and here is another picture of my lovely weekend! The leaves were awesome!

Joyride

Went on an adventure this weekend only to find out a few things about myself. Things I knew, things I need to work on, things I have not thought about in years.

• I need to be who I am. I like who I am after many years of being unsure about that, not that I am perfect, not until heaven for that.


• I hate sharing my feelings. I hate being vunerable and end up sharing 'too much'. I did this weekend but my results are good, still have trust issues, waiting for someone I love to turn on me again. That is the fear.


• I have been brainwashed. I actually believe what a person told me for a year. Not all the time but when there is conflict in my marriage I believe it. I will be talking this out with someone who has a degree to help me as it is rooted somewhere deep in my head that I will never be good enough. Talking with God always brings me back to reality but would like to not go to this place in my brain anymore.


• I really like to have fun!

I loved the leaves and weather this weekend and still need a bit more sleep but what fun, can't wait to go back next year!

Cryin over You

I was at the library the other day and a little boy was crying and this mentally underdeveloped lady was so concerned. She so wanted to fix it and kept saying 'You're OK boy? You're OK!' The mom of the boy stated he was OK and the mom of the lady stated it too but she was not so sure. Her heart to care so much and want to make this boy feel OK was overwhelming and convicting. How many times can I tell that someone is not having a good day but really don't have the time, energy, sometimes even thought process to try and help. To even acknowledge the need for help or need for a friend. Another thing to work on.

I have a list of things that I have done wrong in the past couple weeks, whether at my work, with my friends and family or in my home. I am an encourager by nature to everyone else but not to myself. I forget that and it gets easier to forget when all I am reminded of is the bad. Just a little gray day today but the sun will come out again, it has to right?

Way Out Here

I love being at my cabin where the phone doesn't really ring and I am with family and less stressed. I hope to get up one more time this fall but it seems less and less likely as the weekends fill up.

No More Games

I am through with waiting on people to change. I need to realize that sometimes they won't change, can't change, don't even know they should change. I need to change that I get so fussy that they are who they are and accept that and move on.

My mouth has gotten me into trouble AGAIN. I have apologized to those who need to be and yet there is still this unresolved feeling in my heart that I need to ignore right now. I can't fix this not this time but for awhile my approach will be to be silent and still. Keep my mouth shut and hopefully learn to open it only when beneficial to all involved.

Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen!

It has taken me a bit to post this one. I am so happy my baby is growing to love the Lord and she now is a legal driver, but this is hard to say out loud. I have a 16 year old. What?!?

She had a great summer of ministry, friends, and on and off the boy she is standing with in the first picture.

She still loves her daddy, papa, nana, and mom, loves her brother and sister and still plays with them and overall is everything you want you in a kid but the time has gone by so fast. I don't want to miss a thing!

According to You

I must admit that I love secular music. I listen to just about any radio station out there for about 2 minutes at a time. I am a channel surfing which can be annoying but if I like a song it will stay on it for the duration. I love this song. It is about a girl who is in a relationship with someone who does not appreciate her and finds a guy who does. When it gets to the part for 'according to him' my mind changes it to 'according to Him'. I know the world sees me with all my flaws and really there are so many times I am the unappreciative boyfriend but according to God I am beautiful and He can't get me out of His head.
I need to remember that so that on the days which are more than not that I feel that I am worthless, He doesn't. I am just at low point to bring glory to Him, to find Him, to release my fears and insecurities to Him.

Circle of Friends

In a circle of friends
We have one Father
In a circle of friends
We share this prayer
That every orphaned soul will know
And all will enter in
To the shelter of this circle of friends.

I don't actually know this song but the chorus looks great. I have been thinking about friendships and family in the eyes of God lately. I tend to look at those who are close friends as chosen family.

I have noticed a pattern in my church lately and I am sure it will always exist on some level now I just need to figure out how to fix it or not be a part of it. I have noticed that people go to my church and are a part of my 'family' and they are very lonely. People who have not been invited to my house but I talk to regularly is just not right. My Pastor said a few weeks ago that you can't be friends with everyone and I actually had to think on that and was so satisfied that it was true. BUT, I can do better. I can see the need for others to fellowship and to feel loved. I can actually do something about that. Maybe my gift is hospitality. I need to work on this one.

Hey Steven!

This is a song from Taylor Swift that I love. And, yes, I love this man! "Can't help it if there's no one else, ooo, I can't help myself!"

He has been so good to me and shown Christ in so many ways! What a man!

Get Up on Your Feet, Get up Get up Get Busy

Do you ever have a dream and are so in deep even when you wake up you are not sure it was dream or that it is over? This happened to me this week only in my real life when I was awake. I have been struggling with pain for about 6 months and it all seemed so trivial as my friend was diagnosed with cancer again. Time to get up and get busy praying for others, living for God and serving where He puts me!

Ain't That Crazy

This song talks about amazing love and how to keep it and how to never let your praying knees get lazy. It talks of human love, of how it can be but not told about much in the media nor papers. I mean, who wants to hear a story about a man and a woman who stay together for 58 years, through the good and the bad, the tough times and the dancing, the healthy times and the ill times.

I wish that this was more of the norm. Parents staying together, working hard, raising a family and loving like Christ. It just doesn't happen much, it is now abnormal.

I am unsure how to proceed in life right now. There are some decisions to make, not life changing, but choices, like looking for a house, letting go of my 16 year old to drive alone, accepting the love I am given by my family and friends (have been so bad at this choice and have chosen wrong many times lately), what mini congregation to be in and the insignificant list goes on. I hate making decisions and yet want to be in control. I don't even understand that one. The few choices I am making is to listen more, be more hospitable, and take it easy until I feel better. That last one just came to me. It will take a while until I get used to it but I know I must listen to my hubby and do what the PT guy says and then rest. I will try. That is the only decision I will make tonight.

It's My Life

I need to reclaim back my life with or without pain. I know that is way easy to say but I need to try and maybe the fair will help :). The doctors have no answers and I am now on no medications for the pain so I need to move on and just live. No more hiding behind it. People will still eat the food I cook them if I have to lay down while they eat it and those people that God has put on my heart to connect with have waited long enough.

I can still stay up late, just because I have pain does not make me 80 (the fact I need a crown makes me old). I can be spontaneous, I can't spell it but I can be it. I can admit that the pain is making me crazy and know that I am not crazy. I can love like I should have been this whole time, with God's love, through God's eyes. I need to get back to who I am and want to be even if I might be a little slower or not as loud. Ok maybe I will always be loud, but this time was enough for me to have off of the real things that are important, back to life, Brenda, it is time with all the pain, but now with more resolve to live through it instead of waiting for it to go away.

Oops There Goes Another Rubber Tree Plant

That song is in my head because I am going to grow one, strange huh? I am ready to have time off with my family and just not deal with anything! God is good!

Happy Days

Summer is speeding by but we have had many happy days and hopefully more to come. We are pretty sure we know what the pain source was/is and we have on more round of shots scheduled for next Wednesday and hopefully a pain free rest of the summer after the shot healing!

My oldest heads to her second year to New Orleans for a missions trip and what a journey God is bringing her on this summer. I pray she sees His plan and hears His voice.

My youngest is changing into a young lady and less of a little girl and I am not ready for that yet but love that she still loves to snuggle.

My son is changing and had his first moment of sadness and not knowing why. I did not know boys had mood changes like that but I am learning and love that he still wants me around.

Steve has had work!!!! Yeah!!! God is good all the time and His timing is perfect and He is still teaching me that patience is something that comes with maturity and good things are worth the wait!

So overall life is back to normal. I am sure the next thing that happens will seem tremendous and it may be but I will look back at the last 3 months of unanswered pain and realize that it made me search for Him more, rely on people more and made my family stronger. The purpose is worth the pain!

Tears On My Pillow

WHAT A DOWNER I AM!!! I have been crying since last night since the pain hit full on again. I know I should not let it get me down the way I am letting it and then I feel bad about that. I see God's work in this and know that it could be so much worse and then feel bad about that. See the pattern and why the tears won't stop!

I will sing unto the Lord! Music always makes me feel better. I just hope I don't bug the people around while I try to cheer myself up! :)

It's My Perogative

I am enjoying seeing my kids grow into themselves and become people. They are not just parroting Steve or myself but they have real likes and dislikes and even though watching them grow up seems so wrong at times, they should stay little, it is sure an incredible journey.

It's Too Late to Apologize

I need to make a public apology. I am so sorry that I have not let people in. I have been so depressed and have been relying on my Father and my hubby and a few, very few people in my life but I have not been doing what I should and allow you all to use the wonderful gifts God has given you and be there for me. I feel so alone and it is my fault. I know I am not and I have many offers of people to sit and look at the tv with me but I have said no because who wants to hang out with Brenda Boring.

I am sorry and hope to not pass up another opportunity.

Tainted Love

As a mother you see yourself as responsible for a child to help them to love like Christ, to do their best, to work hard, to play hard, to enjoy everything life gives them. You want to protect them from harm and hurt and anger (even your own). This is how I feel at least. I believe fathers feel the same, maybe even with more of a protective vibe.

I don't understand the parents that hurt their children, make them feel small worthless unless they do as they are told by them. I don't get why they would repeatedly do it and as their children grow they see that this behavior is wrong and not normal and how is a child supposed to react to this?

I know not everyone was loved as a child as I was. I had a father and mother who chose me to love and stayed together and it was easy to follow that example. I know it is harder for some than me but I believe you can overcome circumstances of the past. I know I have and keep trying to.

I wish that parents took their roles as a job with the payment being loving, fun and happy children. I wish they did not need acceptance from the child, or needed the child to feed their ego, or pat them on the back, or feel the need to buy their children, or promise things to make the child love them more, or need them to acknowledge a relationship that doesn't exist.

I will pray that through my flaws my kids will grow to love like Christ, enjoy all things and share what they can through life. I will pray for those who don't know how to love their children as they should and hope one day the will be able to look beyond themselves and see what awesome people their children are and not waste the time they have with them. I know so many who wish they could hold their children just a moment longer.

Yes, this one is cryptic and a rant, I am over it now. :)

Love Me Tomorrow

I get to spend time alone with my hubby for the second time in a month. The kids are all off to camps and such and we get time just the two of us. I am excited, we had a lot of fun last week and I have made some plans this week. Unfortunately one day we are heading to Mayo to get 3 injections in my back in hopes of healing the pain I have. Not sure if it will work but we will see.
After being in pain since March I often wonder if Steve is tired of me. Will he love me if this pain last forever? Will he just want to work all the time so he doesn't have to be around me? Will he find someone new?
The last one is something that creeps in my mind often. He has never given me reason to doubt him but since I have been let go for a better model, a few better models, I wonder if it will happen again.
I trust that it won't but if I don't get well is it fair for him to always be the strong one? I know he loves me and want him to love me tomorrow like today. Maybe I will sing this to him, but maybe not.

Mama Said There Be Days Like This

Raising a teenager brings back the words my mom once said' just wait until you have your own kids, you'll see' and she was right. I know that I once thought I knew more than my parents and was really reasonable and smart and in love with whoever I was dating and definitely going to marry them and always made the right choices...
I guess independence and free thinking develop before reality sets in that we need other people to help us in life and that we need to rely on who God put in our lives for guidance and wisdom. Not just them but the Holy Spirit and the Word. I know that I am not in a boat alone when I say I wish I she could know what I know but she will see reality in time. I am trying to hold my tongue and not say 'You wait' because soon enough the innocence is gone and she will see reality and the she is not the center of it all.

Alone

I have been feeling very alone lately. Not that I don't have people around me that love me or are encouraging but the pain isolates me. I hate to lie and say 'I am fine' when I want to say 'I am so down and can't wait for answers any longer, please need me as I feel so worthless', not a great mommy/friend/daughter of Christ statement. A break down and sleep last night helped a ton. Trying different pain meds is helping too.

I want to be normal and go to a movie without thinking will the pain be too much or have to sleep after a 8 hour morning. I know that answers are right around the corner. I have my MRI on Thursday and hope that brings results.

Still working on patience.

These are a Few of My Favorite Things

I have been missing a few of my favorite things lately.

• The ability to stay up late and not be in pain.
• The desire to be with other people. I can be with people just am not motivated to leave the house drugged up and tired.
• Laughing without pain. Had a great laugh with the ladies at lunch today and it hurt, but so worth it!
• Eating a full meal. This one might be for the best.
• Pastor King

However, I have enjoyed a few of my favorites that when I am so busy - hate the term - I have done in my down time.

• Read at least 3 books.
• Spent more time in prayer and thanking God for all things good in my life.
• Spent more time with the kids watching The Cosby Show.
• Realized that I do enjoy a neat house and love that my family is soo helpful.

These past 3 months have been humbling and a bit of a blur but a lot of good and compassion from me have come from it. Now if they find the source then I will find more favorite things to write about like freedom from pain and pain meds!

What Time is it?

Summer time is kinda here as I have 2 kids home and one still in school. A strange feeling that I am not ready for summer as no child care plans are made and no summer fun set up. I was at Mayo clinic for 3 days last week and will go back this Thursday and after a long, fun, relaxing, sunny weekend not even sure what day it is. I do know that Tuesdays eventually will be at Lake Elmo and some days the kids will head to their Grandma's but they are old enough not to need someone to watch them but young enough to still need someone to entertain them. I should get on that.

I am still in pain and a bit down today about it. I know that someday these past couple months will look like a brief moment and sometime from now I will feel better but right now, with no answers in sight since March I am frustrated. Trusting...

To Infinity and Beyond

I truly thought that my son would outgrow Buzz Lightyear by his 11th birthday but am so glad he didn't. I love this kid and his love for Christ and others and his wit. He is so funny and knows it and yet so wants to figure everything out. I never have cared how things work, just thankful they do, he wants to know how everything works.
He is also so loving and truly thoughtful and now very old but will always be my baby boy! I thank the Lord for him even if he looks just like his father and nothing like me. :)

Go Shorty, It's Your Birthday

I am 36 years old today! Yeah! I just got the best present - an appointment to Mayo Clinic for my pain on MONDAY! How excited am I? So excited to see an end in site. I just hope to have a plan of action at the very least to deal with the pain but would love a solution.

What have I learned this year?

• That God is in control no matter how much I want to be.
• That Love is everywhere, even in people that you are not looking for it in.
• That I am not crazy!!! (well not that crazy)
• My family and friends rock even when I am not intentional in our relationships.
• I am still a work in progress.
• My kids are smarter than I am.
• My hubby is getting hotter and hotter!
• Life is good even in the valleys there is still so much good.

Truth Is

I wonder if I did the right thing last night. I have noticed a kid in my youth group who has chosen a different path. Not like a unique spirit but really a gangsta wanna be, wanting to be cool and throw around useless words and drink underage and such. I told his parents what I saw on Facebook and his mom started crying. I told her I would want to know if my child was showing signs of going down the wrong path. I am unsure if it is right.

The only thing I keep going back to in my head is how I wish someone would have told me my ex was cheating on me. After the divorce many said they knew but during the marriage not a word. There may have been a lot less suffering on both our parts if I was brought to reality and did not live on hope that it may not be true (it was very obvious) or that he would stop. I left after the third affair I knew of.

So if you see something in my kids or me for that matter (not Steve, go to him) please tell me. I may cry or defend but the truth is often needed to be heard.

Breakaway

I had a great discussion with one of my friends about our past. About even though we don't want it to define us it will always make up a part of who we are. We can't forget it but we can learn from it. We have so many people in our lives that don't know what we went through and can never understand why we need to talk about those times. God has given me my Jonathan and David relationship through this friend and I am forever thankful.

So as I was recollecting about the past a new news article was brought to my attention that made me look at my past again. I am still angry about this part of my past and even though I have forgiven and asked for forgiveness and was blessed by God being glorified, I still wonder how to deal with the hurt and pain that this situation has brought. Do we ever get over nightmares that we live through?

I must say I feel safe and secure in my life but still need to process things and it is always good for me to see where I once was and be thankful for where I am now. This is how I know of God's love as He has held me through countless nightmares when I had no strength left. I can leave my past behind but need to look back sometimes to see where I have been to remember how far I have come.

I Sure Could Use a Little Good News Today

There has been a lot of pain and suffering in the lives of people around me lately. A lot of death, financial woes, sickness (me included) and relationship distress. You can't turn on the radio, tv, look at an email without something tragic that has happened and it is hard not to wonder why. But there is Good News!
Christ has risen and loves us and has a purpose for us. I know when you hit rock bottom you can only look up but why not when it is not that bad. Look to Him who holds the world in His hand and rest in His Promises. I am trying to and will pray that you see His goodness all around you.

We are His Hands - Children of the Lord

I have been shown so much love and care from the people of the Lord and who He has allowed me to be know and cherish. I am in awe and thank all those who are allowing Him to bless me through you! It is so very humbling to ask and receive things but what a blessed experience.

Forever Young

(Picture is NLA Choir Tour 1990)

I am so glad that I am older and a wee bit wiser at almost 36. I had a moment of flashback as I watched my 15 year old daughter at her homecoming concert from choir tour and there I was 15, tired, excited and inspired. Not that I can't be tired, excited and inspired now but life was so fresh, so new, and so important at that time. I loved my high school experience and all the friends and all the adventures I had and it is fun to see my daughter having fun!

I also got to see my 9 year old play the piano at a recital and my 10 year old dance like Michael Jackson, we did not name him after him by the way. It was a good week.

My health is still on the waiting list but now I am going to get it fixed. We found something that the last 3 Dr.'s have overlooked at my visit to my urologist and now I have somewhere to begin to see the end of my pain that keeps me up all hours and never goes away. That makes me excited and at the end, when the pain is gone, I know I will feel younger than I do right now!

So Tired, Tired of Waiting

I am up at 3:46 am with my phantom pains. I am not as discouraged as I was a few days ago but in pain and getting old waiting for some relief. It should come or something major will happen not sure which one first. I hope to get some sleep and clarity either one will be fine and have a great day at work and welcome my Ashley home from Choir tour and watch her sing!!!

Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong

Right now love is what we have got a lot at my house, not money, jobs, good health, but love. And time. I have really enjoyed being a little less busy. I often notice that God has a way with gently telling us to slow down. I may not have a lot but I have love from God and family and right now love is all I need!

Blame it on the Rain

You gotta blame it on something right? I am at the end of rope, despondent, depressed, frustrated and feeling guilty. I am thinking I might be crazy and that the pain is really nothing. I know they found something but it wasn't the true cause, now what? The pain is wearing and really only lets up when I am asleep so all I want to do is sleep but can't even do that as the pain wakes me up in the middle of the night. I wish I was smarter and could have more answers about my body, wish I would have taken better care of it not so many fast foods. I feel so guilty that my hubby has had to deal with me and the kids and his job not having enough work for him.
SO WHAT NOW!
Where do I go? I humble myself and give it all up. God is in control and He has a purpose if only to make me stronger or rely on Him or to rely on the people He puts in my life (that one makes me feel weak). I know it will all work out to His Glory and I will take it one hour at a time and know my family will give me grace.
So, today I blame it on the rain, cuz the rain don't mind.

Bust a Move

So wish I could bust a move but what I need to do is bust out of my 'poor me' mode. I need to think of others, forget that I am dealing and open my eyes and hearts to others. I need to be better! I wish it happened in a minute instead of over time. We had a fun Easter and the weather was so wonderful!

I got a glimpse of who I was yesterday and was not pleased and spent the most day a wreck, what a good night sleep does to ones outlook! I need to not be afraid to speak up, not continue in my anger (dealt with a family issue and feel so free), LOVE LIKE CHRIST!

I am excited for the next 2 tests to be over and to find out what is going on in my body and then I can really enjoy this early spring!

It's Our Anniversary

So our anniversary is really tomorrow but since we are having 28 people over to celebrate Christ rising from the dead we celebrated last night by going to a hotel and picking up Ashley from the airport this morning! It was fun even though I am still very much in pain and tired (I have a swollen pancreas due to a gall stone going through and can't eat real food yet). We chilled out and watched tv and movies and laughed and remember the last 13 years, married 12, dating a year before. We have grown and it so great that we are able to honest with each other and love being together even when I am a bummer and not feeling well.

So now to the Easter plans. I am so excited although not able to eat much but family, laughter and remember God's greatest gift His son will be awesome. I am so glad my family is whole again and that we have each other!

On a side note, I meet with a surgeon on Monday to see what the next step is, possibly the gall bladder out.

Love is Patient

I have heard from her and the Lord is with her and she is doing well. I am not patient and need to wait on the Lord with this one. Thanks to all those who are praying - she said she feels it!

Where are you now?

This is the question I am asking. Not where God is, because He is carrying me but where is my daughter. We raise our kids with the knowledge that we will have to let them go but not thinking they will be somewhere they are unsafe or uncared for the way they need to be or deserve to be. I have had a lot of prayer surrounding me or I think I might be driving looking for her. It is not right that I can't talk with her but I know that God is with her.

My hope is that she is enjoying the sun, having some fun and getting to know her baby brother. This could be true. It might be true.

The emotions that are still on the forefront are anger. Why would someone want to fight for 15 years? I don't want to fight. How do you fight and not forgive someone after so long? How can you think that people don't change and really can love with Christ's love? I don't always need to understand. I just need to hear from her soon.

Who Knew

I never thought that things would come full circle the way they are in a particular area in my life. I always hope the best but prepare for the worst and we are somewhat there, the worst, the hard part.
I know that I am grateful for many things and love life for so many reasons and God is awesome, but in this situation I am fearful. Praying for it to be so much better than I am preparing for, it could be better, it should be better. We will see.

Fight like a Girl

I love being a woman sometimes. I love to dress up and put on makeup and do my nails and smell pretty - sometimes. Not all the time. I often wish that I didn't run like a girl or cry like a girl or even look like a girl. Being a man sometimes seems easier, but I am sure it is not.

I can tell you I have never been in a fight, true take you down fight but if I was, I would NOT fight like a girl. I have been incredibly edgy this week and my emotions are right there and my anger is bubbling. My fighting would be more like a wild animal who has waited years for its prey.

So I pray that I can distract myself enough to hold it together and if it ever happened I would at least be a lady. Here's to hoping!

God is God and I am not

I am so happy for this statement. Everything is in His hands, everything is in His plans and He promises that we will not go through unnecessary suffering! AMEN!!!!

I Fall to Pieces

I have never been accepting of change. I have avoided it, been excited sometimes but the unknown change shakes me. Right now that is where I am at. The UNKNOWN. I would love to control so many things and I have no control to speak of. I am trying so hard to 'Lean NOT on my own understanding' kind of easy when I have no understanding of peoples behavior, only mine.

So I will rest in the Lord and allow Him to carry me in pieces until I can see everything come together again, may be years but He has carried me this far.

Comfortably Numb

I have not been down the 'woe is me' road lately. I have been down with a sinus infection, dealing with some old wounds in my life, watching friends go down wrong roads, watching others suffer not on their own accord and ready for change in many different ways. Overall, I have been numb.
I know feeling is better than not feeling at all, but sometimes for a moment I need to think before I react to what is going on around me. It does not happen much that I think first so this is new but I am starting to feel again.
What I feel is blessed that I am not where I once was, that I have people who love me and I can trust, that God will never give me more than He thinks I can handle. I need to remember the last one and pray that my friends remember it also.

Why Can't We be Friends

My mind is going somewhere not so good right now. A place that is now very unfamiliar to me. A dark place where there is only hope in God. Not totally a bad place to be if you can still see the Light but lonely and I am tired of visiting this place, tired of the same things happening and no change in sight.
Need to work it out and overcome, Easter will definately be a day that brings more than Hope but relief for me. Jesus on the cross will remind me that I can give so much more and be so much more loving. Keep the eye on that and not the dark places.

Let's Get Physical

Ok for those who know me that is not what I mean. I mean let's start walking. I really want to join a gym again with someone not alone as I do so much better with a friend. I asked Steve if he would walk with me and he said sure for a day. Whatever.

Spring has sprung and I am ready for summer, might be too soon but something to look forward to!

Who I Am

I just got an email to interview at http://bloginterviewer.com/family/random-thoughts-of-kindness-brenda-chermak. So I filled it out and it asked me all these questions about why I blog, why people would want to read this spewing of thoughts I have and so forth.

I really don't know why people would read this but I know why I blog. I communicate so much better with myself and maybe others on paper. To see my thoughts helps me to understand them better. Also, I have some friends who live out of state or I can not talk to daily that can see what is going on and I love to read what is going on in their lives.

Finding out who I am in my mid thirties has been my main revelation from my blog and to see God is good all the time!

If You Don't Know Me By Now

My trip was very instrumental in helping me see who I have become. The journey God has allowed me to have has been challenging and fun all wrapped up in one. I know my flaws so much more than my strengths but really got to find one of my gifts in Florida.

My gift is hospitality in the sense that I bring people together. I include and invite and arrange for people to gather whether at my house or not and have fun and usually food. :) Probably not a revelation to many but something I needed, a definition for myself in a way.

For those who don't know I am part Mexican and Sioux Indian, but raised Scandinavian. I forget myself sometimes that others see me as a Latina. I remembered when I was in Florida and the response from others of my nationality was much different towards me than to my white friends. Some good stories there, ask someone who went they will be very willing to share.

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye

Goodbyes are hard to begin with but a week of goodbyes can be downright painful. I am not mourning a death or a job loss, but people things.

1. I had to say goodbye to the sun and fun in Florida. Had a great 5 days with friends and family and gained some great perspective on how blessed I am for both of those things and found some things that I can work on in friendships and how to manage anger better with my kids. (She's Gonna Blow - a book I need to finish)
2. I had to say goodbye again to a friend who God has assured me that will remain a friend even through the distance. I walked into her home in Orlando and felt like I just saw her the week before. I loved seeing her kids and hubby and then taking her to spend time with other friends and laugh!
3. I will have to say goodbye to a man who has had a major impact on my life. He has shown me that even though you love the Lord you can still have fun and laugh and encourage and there is no box for how we need to be. Our interim Pastor is leaving and I will miss him, but excited for what the future holds.

I also said goodbye to the insecurity I have with dealing with people. I had so much fun and know that I am happy on being a work in progress and have progressed and am not as afraid to show who I really am.

Goodbye to Florida, hello memories and plans for the next trip!

Walking on Sunshine

The sun has been glorious! I really like the longer days and I do love the change from winter to spring, particularly this year as we are getting much more change. My job has found a new leader. No we are not an alien group but probably foreign to some. We found a new Senior Pastor and it is really exciting and so needed.

I so love the man who has been our Interim Pastor as he has been more than that to me, but he has things he has been waiting on too long and it is just time. God's perfect time.

Other reasons to be happy, I get to go see a friend in Orlando with 3 other ladies next week! YEAH!!

I Hope You Dance

I never went to a dance. My daughter jokes that NLA believes that dancing makes babies, we joked about that when I was 15 many moons ago now. I love to dance. I always have, whether for cheerleading or in the kitchen with my hubby or when my kids were little we would turn up the radio and dance. I remember doing that with my dad when I was around 8 or 9, dancing on his feet.

I know that soon none of my children will be left to turn the radio up with and dance. The last 11 years have gone by so fast and I need to stop and dance with my kids while they let me. Enjoy the moment and dance.

Jesus, We just want to Thank You

I need to be more thankful, grateful, humble, awed. I went to Mock Trial with my daughters last night and it was really interesting. One of the witnesses was a blind high school student. Man, technology was great as he had his notes in a braille computer. They all did a great job and NLA only lost by 20 points.
I sat there and thought how many times I think about seeing. Unless my glasses have a scratch or are not around I don't think about it much or thank God for sight.

Dear God,

Thank you for allowing me to have sight, hearing, the ability to walk, be healthy, speech, a whole body. I know that it may not always be this way and that I am blessed to have them all. Please be with those who have impairments and for them to see the world in such a unique way is a gift from You also. I know many have so many struggles that I do not have and am humbled at the gifts that You have given and ashamed that I am not more thankful and more vocal about acknowledging them as a gift.

Please help to be a good steward of Your gifts and help those who I can and You put in my life.

In Jesus Name,
AMEN

I Can't Fight that Feeling Anymore

I have decided to stop fighting with God. Can you believe all week long that is what I have been doing? Arguing if His way, His prompting, His Wisdom was right. I was hearing Him but not listening. Can you believe it?
I do not want to confront, I do not want to deal with unpleasant things but God is calling me to and I MUST listen and not act like a teenager.

Live Like you Are Dying

I need to remember that today could be the last day to spread Christ's love, to give a hug, to learn something, to grow, to hold my tongue, to be understanding even when I am misunderstood, to say 'I love you' or 'You aren't bugging me as much today', :) , to choose to see the bright side, the blessings, the gifts from God and others.

I am thankful for those who are teaching me to be more than I am. I need to grow. Often time with lessons there is failing but if I get back up again and try again it will be ok.

Celebrate Good Times

I will celebrate when the stomach ickiness is over here at the Chermaks but let's go back in time and see how we already celebrated. This was Thanksgiving!

Life's a Dance, You Learn as You Go

I still have so much to learn. I know that I learn something new everyday and am starting to fear that there is no room left in my brain to retain it. :)

I will keep on learning.

Miss Independent

So I was asked to describe something about myself that was unique and I could not do it. I don't think of myself as not connected to my family or friends. I define who I am by how I love God and others, by how I live with them and who I am with them, but not by who I am alone. I honestly could not think of an attribute and asked a friend and she said, 'fun-loving and social'. I agree that I love fun and am social, but does that describe me uniquely, no. I was told many in our class are fun-loving and social which is true so I put 'a misfit'. That is how I see myself.

This brought me to a goal for 2010 - learn to love who I am and figure out what that means. I love that I am a child of God, a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister/in-law, an employee. These are my places in the world but what makes me me.

Here is what I came up with:

1. One who wants to love like Christ
2. One who loves those in her life passionately and wants to be more intentional with those relationships
3. One who listens
4. One who cheers on those around her
5. One who enjoys the simple life, not too complicated
6. One who sometimes needs intervention from others to become more than I am already
7. One who is finally happy with myself, mind, body, soul

You may disagree but it is as always a work in progress. Thanks friends for making me think about these things!