Give Thanks with a Greatful Heart

What I am thankful for:

1. God's Love!
2. My loving, loyal, gifted, hard-working, God-serving, handsome, helpful, understanding, funny husband.
3. Ashley's love for and obedience in the Lord. Mikey's discernment and truth telling of Jesus' love. Gracie's joy and growth in the Lord.
4. My Johnson family and Chermak family!
5. My friends who have loved me even when I was unlovable!
6. My Church!
7. My Job!

What a great year and what a wonderful life!

Strumming my pain with his fingers... (Warning, whining ahead)

I know this is not a title but I wanted something with pain that would stay in your head for awhile. Hope this did the job.

I am in so much pain! I went to the ER on Sunday and my ovarian cyst is growing and PAINFUL! Pain meds are not even cutting it and it is so frustrating! I do not want another surgery. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to take it out on my family. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I don't know what else to do. There I am done whining!!

I am very excited for the parade, the turkey and all! I may be drugged up for it but am definitely looking forward to it and maybe the cyst will burst by then and I will be in no more pain.

Yes, he was singing my life with his words. Killing me softly with his song, killing me softly...

Should I stay or should I go now?

We are talking about decision making in our Sunday School class this month and how not making a decision is making a decision. I hate to decide things! I would prefer to never make a decision so no blame would go on me and then I would not have to use any brain cells too. I could just be lazy and not want to grow up, but just like everything God has allowed me to work on decision making in my life. Here are the decision that are important to me daily - I will not include eating but those choices often make for a better day if I am prepared.

1. Choose to love how God loves. This is a daily decision.
2. Watch my mouth.
3. Choose to be content and thankful. I miss this one daily and then #2 starts being missed.
4. Know that I am not perfect and allow not only grace for others but myself. There are days that I am so hard on myself and that is a choice.
5. Choose to take my job seriously. I am not talking about my job at church, I usually give 100% to that job, but my job as a wife and a mom and a housekeeper. I forget this one a lot. I grumble because everyone else needs so much from me and realize that this is something I prayed for and got and just because the house is not self cleaning, the kids are not robots and do as I command, and my husband has a job and can not just serve me every minute does not mean God did not answer this request and give me what I wanted and needed in life.
6. Pray in the moments I am called. There are moments, such as now, when someone or a situation will come to my mind and I know I should pray and I am busy typing or talking or eating. I need to stop and pray.

If these choices are being made the rest like what we are going to have for dinner, what to wear, what to watch on TV, where to spend my time, it all falls into place.

All I Want for Christmas

I am sure that people who make it to the top have worked hard and some of them have wonderful voices, but not all of them have to make a Christmas album. I was driving to work this morning and heard Clay Aiken sing 'O Holy Night' and thought I could have lived my whole life without hearing him sing this and love when Nat King Cole sang this. I know many people like Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, and N Sync but singing Christmas songs? Come on!

Ch- Ch- Changes

The good thing I learned last week is that I am not going through the 'change'. Good news but also means my hormones are unstable and unpredictable and affect my moods drastically. So far I am normal lately, whatever that means.

The next change is my baby girl turned 8 on Friday. Really, 8 years old, just yesterday I was having this child who could not wait to come into the world so she came as a preemie and now she is 8 and healthy, happy, and growing so fast. Big milestones for her are she knows Jesus, she reads extremely well and she is JUST like her father! I love that!

The final change is my parents leaving for Florida and seeing them for the last time until February (I have to say that out loud to spell it). What a joy to have them here for Christmas on Saturday with my brother and his wife and his 4 kids and my grandma! We celebrated birthdays (4 in one week), Thanksgiving (the turkeys and gravy were fabulous), and Christmas. We laughed as the kids played and entertained us, talked about old times, and caught up on what was going on now. I got to have lunch with my mom and dad on Monday alone and will miss my parents, my friends, but know that they have good friends in Florida and what they like the most NO SNOW. God is good and lets us talk and 'see' each other on the Internet and we get to travel down there and be with them for a week.

Change, I am getting used to it!

Shot Through the Heart

I had a feeling of this yesterday. One of my extended family members said something to me that made me catch my breath. I just did not expect to be treated or not trusted the way I was and now I need to be 'confrontational' and actually talk about it, because I need to be an adult, something I often forget that I am.

I think what shocked me the most is that this person does not really know me. I know I can be mouthy and joke around but I really love God and therefore really love people and want them to love the Lord and love themselves. I know that I can be sarcastic but I also know not all people can handle that and really try to tune into that. I have been praying for a situation that the Lord has answered in a 'yes' way and now this person wants me to be silent and just let God move. Like I was going to hire a banner that says ' Yeah this happened' and hurt or even more discourage the happiness that is going on. I feel like I need to say to this person 'I am sorry you don't know me and you really hurt me by your words' and then I need to LET IT GO. The Holidays are coming and I need to be OK by then for everyone's sake.

Why can't I just be 14 again and let my mom and dad take care of me, feed me and help me deal? I hope with age comes wisdom because I need it. Thanks for letting me vent!

Be Still and Know

What a whirlwind and it is only Wednesday! This week is busy! I hate that word, I hate that choice I make to run from here to there. I did make the choice to have children, I did make the choice to let them grow up (yes, there were times I did not think it was such a good idea.). I know I need to be still and listen. Just watch the snowfall and enjoy the moment. I need to remind myself to breathe even though I had all weekend to it is OK to do it now.

I can not even finish a thought as my kids keep talking and yet this is where I want to be. Contentment is staying with me for awhile. I like it. I need to keep it with me and not want especially when I start Christmas shopping and want to give my kids everything. I need to teach them to be content.

Off to church and then conferences then back to church and somehow hit a store to buy a bday present. It will get done. It was good to be still for this moment. Thank you God for this moment.

She Works Hard (for her money)

OK, so I don't get a lot of money and I love my full time job as a mom. I did enjoy the Hearts at Home conference and learned a lot. Although I was socially awkward for part of it I made some new connections, renewed some old ones and saw that the distance in some is for this time only and God will use it all for His purpose and I should wait on Him.

What did I learn?

• I LOVE MY HUSBAND! Not a huge surprise but a fun one. We are celebrating Christmas this Saturday with the Johnson side and he had the tree up and all the food bought and we are ready to go. I love him because he loves me and he loves the kids. He is so good to me and puts up with me and missed me.
• I LOVE MY KIDS! It was great to sit with the few who had teens and say 'wow, that is normal!' To realize Ash is wonderful and loving and normal and actually unique with her love for God! I love Mikey's spirit and how he is not the typical rough and tumble kid but hugs me still! In fact when I came home he kept saying 'hi again' with a hug each time. Gracie is my baby and even though she may have less pictures I think I take more mental pictures with her as I know this is the last time one of my kids learns to write or read or whatever the milestone is.
• I LOVE MY FRIENDS! We are all unique, most of them have no idea what having a teen is like as they are in the preschool stage, so I better do something right as they might ask me questions later, they already did this weekend. The Lord has a purpose for friends and I need to trust the people He puts in my life. Even if menopause has set in for me I still need to go to them and allow them to see me crazy, not fun, but was a needed lesson for me this weekend, this year, this life.
• I LOVE GOD! He has made me to be a bit organizationally challenged, but loving and fun and ready to listen to Him.

Overall, a good weekend and hope to do it next year!

No Such Thing (as the real world)

Heading off to Hearts at Home this weekend with about 20 women and feel like I am going to a High School party and have designated myself as the wallflower. I am sure by a late hour I will get over this feeling but right now I feel very nervous. I wonder why I am becoming more insecure with people. It probably is because some people who have promised to love me and stand by me have forgotten their promise and therefore I trust no one fully then.

I do trust God, my hubby, my parents and few select friends and relatives, but know that people are human and are going to make mistakes and say things that are unkind. I know I do. I try to give the grace that I am often given due to the constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth I tend to have.

It should be a good weekend and I think I am not going to think about it again until it happens. I don't want nerves to turn into worry.

If God be For Us, Who Can be Against Us!

Ever have those moments where you are just at peace. Not because the world is right, or you are on vacation, but just because. You are content with what you have, with who you are, with what you have been given, and you feel full, Blessed.

I know that God is the only thing that makes me content and not anxious. I know on my own that I don't have the strength, the ability, the reasoning to be happy just as I am. He takes me just as I am and for the moment of peace I know He holds me. It is more than just a feeling, it is a fact, it is a reminder, it is amazing.

I know that this peace is for this night, for this time, for the results of the test I took yesterday, given to me because He loves me.

Nothing can separate me from this, not fighting kids, not a political race, not a diagnoses. It may leave for a moment but someday again this peace will come, for that I am sure.