Tainted Love

As a mother you see yourself as responsible for a child to help them to love like Christ, to do their best, to work hard, to play hard, to enjoy everything life gives them. You want to protect them from harm and hurt and anger (even your own). This is how I feel at least. I believe fathers feel the same, maybe even with more of a protective vibe.

I don't understand the parents that hurt their children, make them feel small worthless unless they do as they are told by them. I don't get why they would repeatedly do it and as their children grow they see that this behavior is wrong and not normal and how is a child supposed to react to this?

I know not everyone was loved as a child as I was. I had a father and mother who chose me to love and stayed together and it was easy to follow that example. I know it is harder for some than me but I believe you can overcome circumstances of the past. I know I have and keep trying to.

I wish that parents took their roles as a job with the payment being loving, fun and happy children. I wish they did not need acceptance from the child, or needed the child to feed their ego, or pat them on the back, or feel the need to buy their children, or promise things to make the child love them more, or need them to acknowledge a relationship that doesn't exist.

I will pray that through my flaws my kids will grow to love like Christ, enjoy all things and share what they can through life. I will pray for those who don't know how to love their children as they should and hope one day the will be able to look beyond themselves and see what awesome people their children are and not waste the time they have with them. I know so many who wish they could hold their children just a moment longer.

Yes, this one is cryptic and a rant, I am over it now. :)

Love Me Tomorrow

I get to spend time alone with my hubby for the second time in a month. The kids are all off to camps and such and we get time just the two of us. I am excited, we had a lot of fun last week and I have made some plans this week. Unfortunately one day we are heading to Mayo to get 3 injections in my back in hopes of healing the pain I have. Not sure if it will work but we will see.
After being in pain since March I often wonder if Steve is tired of me. Will he love me if this pain last forever? Will he just want to work all the time so he doesn't have to be around me? Will he find someone new?
The last one is something that creeps in my mind often. He has never given me reason to doubt him but since I have been let go for a better model, a few better models, I wonder if it will happen again.
I trust that it won't but if I don't get well is it fair for him to always be the strong one? I know he loves me and want him to love me tomorrow like today. Maybe I will sing this to him, but maybe not.

Mama Said There Be Days Like This

Raising a teenager brings back the words my mom once said' just wait until you have your own kids, you'll see' and she was right. I know that I once thought I knew more than my parents and was really reasonable and smart and in love with whoever I was dating and definitely going to marry them and always made the right choices...
I guess independence and free thinking develop before reality sets in that we need other people to help us in life and that we need to rely on who God put in our lives for guidance and wisdom. Not just them but the Holy Spirit and the Word. I know that I am not in a boat alone when I say I wish I she could know what I know but she will see reality in time. I am trying to hold my tongue and not say 'You wait' because soon enough the innocence is gone and she will see reality and the she is not the center of it all.

Alone

I have been feeling very alone lately. Not that I don't have people around me that love me or are encouraging but the pain isolates me. I hate to lie and say 'I am fine' when I want to say 'I am so down and can't wait for answers any longer, please need me as I feel so worthless', not a great mommy/friend/daughter of Christ statement. A break down and sleep last night helped a ton. Trying different pain meds is helping too.

I want to be normal and go to a movie without thinking will the pain be too much or have to sleep after a 8 hour morning. I know that answers are right around the corner. I have my MRI on Thursday and hope that brings results.

Still working on patience.

These are a Few of My Favorite Things

I have been missing a few of my favorite things lately.

• The ability to stay up late and not be in pain.
• The desire to be with other people. I can be with people just am not motivated to leave the house drugged up and tired.
• Laughing without pain. Had a great laugh with the ladies at lunch today and it hurt, but so worth it!
• Eating a full meal. This one might be for the best.
• Pastor King

However, I have enjoyed a few of my favorites that when I am so busy - hate the term - I have done in my down time.

• Read at least 3 books.
• Spent more time in prayer and thanking God for all things good in my life.
• Spent more time with the kids watching The Cosby Show.
• Realized that I do enjoy a neat house and love that my family is soo helpful.

These past 3 months have been humbling and a bit of a blur but a lot of good and compassion from me have come from it. Now if they find the source then I will find more favorite things to write about like freedom from pain and pain meds!

What Time is it?

Summer time is kinda here as I have 2 kids home and one still in school. A strange feeling that I am not ready for summer as no child care plans are made and no summer fun set up. I was at Mayo clinic for 3 days last week and will go back this Thursday and after a long, fun, relaxing, sunny weekend not even sure what day it is. I do know that Tuesdays eventually will be at Lake Elmo and some days the kids will head to their Grandma's but they are old enough not to need someone to watch them but young enough to still need someone to entertain them. I should get on that.

I am still in pain and a bit down today about it. I know that someday these past couple months will look like a brief moment and sometime from now I will feel better but right now, with no answers in sight since March I am frustrated. Trusting...