I Don't Know What to do with Myself

I am really unsure these days that I got anything right. There are some things in my life that I for sure did WRONG! There are a few things I am sure I did right, but some days like today shake that. I need to get on my knees and realize it is all a gift. I am not promised good days just days that will glorify God. I am not promised 'normal'. I am not promised peace, self assurance, but Hope. I am promised Hope of heaven, of eternal peace.
Today I failed as a mom. I even said I wasn't going to do that again and I did it. I think I must of done something very wrong to begin with, been to open, been to ok with my kids telling me exactly how they feel, over talking with my children, who knows. Today I have crumbled and I am not sure how to rebuild. I am not sure how to make it right or pleasing for my Savior. I am just not sure. Broken.

"But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

James 4:6 ESV
I am humbled tonight.

I'm So Glad I'm a Part of the Family of God

I can honestly say that after a long while of just having to have joy in the family of God. It is not perfect now and nothing magical or significant happened but I am finally ok with walking into my church and being a part of the congregation. I think it has been 2 years since I felt ok with it. Not that I feel like my feelings should rule my life or that I should have to have a sense of love or belonging to that community, because in some ways that hasn't changed. I just feel peace. I wish I knew why but I think the main reason that I am ok is time. I actually waited on the Lord to show me an answer, I was taught patience, I learned something. I love that. I really, really love that. :)

I'll Do It My Way

Due to deductible time and the fact that I have had two CT's in the last month, money is a bit less than usual at the Chermak house. So then I start to worry (I know that I shouldn't and God always reassures me with that) and prioritize my spending. Now most of you know I just work to send my kids to Christian school. That's it and if we cut that out we would have a lot more money. There are moments that this sounds great. A bus to pick them up, no uniforms, the list can go on.
Here is why we send them. First, each kid is different. Ashley went to public until 5th grade. This is how Steve and I did it. We went to public and then for jr and sr high we went to NLA. We moved Ashley to Christ Lutheran and Michael went to public for kindegarten. Then all the kids went to CLS after that. This is where God led us to go. I don't believe everyone should go to Christian schools. I am not always sure it is right for my kids, but I know Steve is and he is who I follow.
He made a great choice for Michael by switching him to NLA this year. What an awesome experience it is for him and Gracie too!
Back to why we send them other than that is how we were raised. I love that my kids get the Biblical perspective in all their classes. I love that more families than not believe the same things we do, we have foundation with other parents to start with. Life is not perfect, maybe not better, but I have heard many say when times get financially tough, take your kids out of private school. It is not an option for us.
I also am thinking about this because I hate to be judged or talked about because of this choice and yet I just judged a family member for making the public school choice. What a hypocrite I am! I don't know anyone's stuff and they have the right to do what they feel is right for their family. I am sorry for that.
Just things to get off my chest.

Unpretty

This world is crazy. I saw that last night as I pretended to watch the game with some friends. I did watch the commercials when I was in the room. I had a good time, but I saw what was being sold the most. Doritos. No really, perfect bodies on women in particular are pranced around everywhere, to sell a car, to sell food, to sell insurance. It doesn't usually bother me until I hear my size 4 daughter say 'I'm fat'. She did not learn this at home. Not at her home in MN at least.


What can I do?

Unwritten

I have been anxious lately. I thought it was a lack of patience for the 8 or so stones remaining to be passed from my kidneys or the drugs that I am taking to not have pain. But it is not. It is my baby girl, Ashley.

What will she do next year? What will her life be like, what school will she go to, what will she major in? It is not in my hands. I remember putting her on a plane alone for the first time when she was 5. I gave her to God that day. She was not mine, she has always been His but this is way harder than I thought. Letting go, not getting too involved, yet still responsible for her while she is here. Confusing, makes me anxious, but I know exactly what to do, just like I did as she had to be away from me for at least a week a year with someone I did not trust. I need to trust my Father is watching her. I know He is.