Love Story

I desire a 'happy ending' to many things. I want things to end timely, orderly, and the way I want them to end. This is not life and I am starting to really embrace that. I dig the weird endings movies, they end on a good note, where good wins over evil but not the normal 'happy endings'. Right now I am in a moment of the beginning of the end of many chapters.

I am a planner. I may not seem that way but I like my time to be organized and to be in control of what is happening next. God has such a sense of humor. The Author of some very funny moments in my life as it has been a series of chaos, mishaps and wonderful endings anyway. I am so glad that I am not in control!

It is my 11th year married to the man of my dreams on Saturday! I can't wait for everyday ahead with him! He is one of my top ten gifts in life! Our 'Love Story' is so much like the Taylor Swift song even down to the father (actually my mother) warning him of my 'scarlet letter' and baggage, but he asked my dad and mom for my hand and time has been great ever since, we dance in the rain a lot, many storms but we keep dancing!

Lucky to be in Love with My Best Friend

Had a very busy but fun weekend. Got to see a lot of friends and realized that I am so much more myself lately. My hubby being with me helps a lot. Got to eat a lot of food that I did not have to make, talk with people that I don't talk to every day and really watch people.

Almost like the fair, but with people I knew. I love people watching, seeing how they react. I surprised myself and talked more than usual. I think I got all my words out for today as I told my husband to go watch the race with his dad and take all the kids with him. I enjoy a quiet house sometimes.

The Lord has answered prayers lately, not always the easy answers but I know they will all work for the glory of Him. Steve may be laid off next week in a shop layoff but rehired in May/June. I have peace. There may be restructure in my job but so needed. I may lose a friendship that I love but God has plans. My daughter is home safe but still dealing with a lot!

Thank you Lord for the answer to prayer!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I dream of this perfect land sometimes. A land where I fit in. I wonder if I truly don't fit in because I don't try to or just circumstances. Circumstances such as I have all school age kids, most of my friends have toddlers or at least one non-school age kids. I work, part-time but it still makes me different than some. I have no creative abilities, I would love to be able to find it fun to scrap with my friends, but I can't cut and don't have the time to really learn how to, I need LOTS of help.
Or it could be that I don't go to things, I have a fear of trusting people and I have a problem with being honest with my feelings and being rejected.
I feel a bit stuck right now. Ruts happen all the time and that is where I am. We have some 'things' going on at home, some more health issues and I seem to be tired a lot so until that is overcome this rut will continue and I know that I will feel reconnected again in God's time.

Control

This is really what I want in life. Something I will never attain. Control is something I never really would be ready to take fully on. I wish I could sometimes be the puppet master and make things happen, make people love, make people honest, make people understand, make people listen and make people see God.

I have given up the quest of being liked by everybody, the quest of fitting a mold or trying to be something I am not. I know who I am and I definitely know who I AM NOT! I am OK with me it's just how I react to the world around me, to the pain, to the joy, to it all. I need to lay it all down and let God be in control and leave it at that. I am sure that is something I will be working on until heaven but something good to keep in mind.

I'm Living Up to Her Low Expectations

I learned something about myself yesterday. I believe that if you are a man, other than my hubby or my daddy, you will treat me bad. I expect that and was totally proven wrong by a man who, even though I messed up, was so calm and nice and rational about it. I actually thanked him for being nice and realized I expected him to be angry and mean. I know not many men read this but I am sorry that I let a few bad men damage how I see all men. That is so wrong!

I was so crabby and down on myself yesterday. Could be the weather or that I misplaced a few things or that I am not yet who I want to be with organizing the house, my workspace, my to-do lists, my time with those most important, - God, hubby, kids, friends, or just that I made a choice to be crabby.

Today is a better day. Doesn't sleep and watching ER always make you feel better? No, I really think that God is allowing me to find out who I WANT to be and even though my mood was dreary, I did not break, I did not blame anyone else. Good things.

Now off to conferences for Ashley and helping with a fundraiser for her school. It is nice to actually be able to volunteer!