My Heart Will Go On

I am sad. Not physically or even emotionally but mentally sad at how cruel and angry this world can be. The Colorado tragedy made me remember how I am choosing to not live in fear. After 9/11 it was really hard for Ashley or me to get her back on a plane to see her biological dad. Even today I saw a plane touching down at MSP and wondered if it was going to be used as a weapon. After Columbine I had to be ok with my kids going to school, knowing something could always happen. I don't think I will feel the same way about movie theaters but you never know. Then I go on facebook/twitter really anywhere and people are arguing about a company that does not even exist in MN. Most are arguing as people outraged over their freedom to have values. Some are arguing about not really offending people they would never be associated with. Most just like to hear themselves speak. (I laugh at this as I am typing to get my thoughts out but know it is just like talking to myself. :)) It seems so stupid. No, I am not calling people stupid this argument is stupid. I see people who have been forgotten everyday. Not just by their kids, or their ex spouses, but by the government and by humankind. That makes me sad. I feel I always have to end everything with a happy note so I will do the same right now. Vacation starts on Monday!!! Other than the Olympics maybe I will stay disconnected too and take a vacation from my problems, doubt it but maybe worth a try.

Happiness is to Know the Savior

We had a customer service required meeting this week. We had to do many exercises in active listening and at one point had to tell a story about what we are passionate about. I am passionate about my Jesus. I could not say this at a "PC" company session. So, I said that I love my kids and my husband and those are my passions. We had to do another exercise on feelings and my one coworker said "I feel sad and wish I could be as happy as you." I actually don't see myself as overly happy, but glad that the joy of the Lord is present in my life. Don't ever think that people don't see what you really are even when you don't show them everything about yourself. Good lesson for me.

Somebody that I used to Know

I was starting to think this about my daughter. That I did not know her anymore. But I see sparks of the 'real' Ashley coming through. It is amazing what the drama of teenagerdom really does to one. It is something we all overcome. Living between the worlds of being an adult and a child (which I still feel like I am too, at least when my mom is around)is hard. God is working though and I am excited to get to know each phase. I actually mean that today. Woohoo that is progress.

I am trying really hard to be accountable for my reactions to the actions lately. I am also trying really hard to get into shape but that seems to not be as important.

I am trying to deal with graduation and my upcoming 20th High School reunion that I have not yet fully planned yet but so happy that I have some great friends helping! I will get to see somebodies that I used to know.

From This Moment

We just celebrated 14 years of marriage, yeah! Glad he has put up with me and all that I entail.

We have been back from Florida for about a month now and so I thought I would post some pictures. This is when we FINALLY made it to Florida.

The Zoo

The Beach

The Kids in a tree

The Surprise, which we still don't know about but will see at the lake

The Trip Home

Great Trip, maybe the last one with the oldest. Not going to think about that right now, not going to cry...

Celebrate Good Times Come On!

I love vacations and love my parents and love my hubby and love my kids. Yep, we had a good time in Florida. Pictures might come, we will see. It was good to just have fun, just relax, just forget about life and enjoy the sun. One child got way too sunburn. I had a fun fall that is still healing but laughed as I was laying on the ground. Got some good pictures, ate some great food, had some good laughs, lost every game I played but if that is the worst.

God is teaching me to wait on Him more and more. To lean on Him and not worry. Let's see if I can master this one.

I Don't Know What to do with Myself

I am really unsure these days that I got anything right. There are some things in my life that I for sure did WRONG! There are a few things I am sure I did right, but some days like today shake that. I need to get on my knees and realize it is all a gift. I am not promised good days just days that will glorify God. I am not promised 'normal'. I am not promised peace, self assurance, but Hope. I am promised Hope of heaven, of eternal peace.
Today I failed as a mom. I even said I wasn't going to do that again and I did it. I think I must of done something very wrong to begin with, been to open, been to ok with my kids telling me exactly how they feel, over talking with my children, who knows. Today I have crumbled and I am not sure how to rebuild. I am not sure how to make it right or pleasing for my Savior. I am just not sure. Broken.

"But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

James 4:6 ESV
I am humbled tonight.

I'm So Glad I'm a Part of the Family of God

I can honestly say that after a long while of just having to have joy in the family of God. It is not perfect now and nothing magical or significant happened but I am finally ok with walking into my church and being a part of the congregation. I think it has been 2 years since I felt ok with it. Not that I feel like my feelings should rule my life or that I should have to have a sense of love or belonging to that community, because in some ways that hasn't changed. I just feel peace. I wish I knew why but I think the main reason that I am ok is time. I actually waited on the Lord to show me an answer, I was taught patience, I learned something. I love that. I really, really love that. :)