I think that I have been comfortably numb for some time now. Knowing that silence and listening is better than putting my foot in my mouth when I speak out of anger or treatment that I feel is unjust. I know God is in control and rely on that only yet not really engaging in anything. I have friends and love my family but I feel as though I have been a spectator, attending events, making an appearance but not being vulnerable at all. I have a couple people I rely on with most things but really don't want them to know that for awhile I have felt nothing.
That stopped over the weekend. I sat in Sunday School class and the verses we were going over were ones that hurt me in the past. Ones I had to struggle with now as I failed my first marriage and see how all that ties into my daughter's life - the fallout. I also see how God's plan is for good and not evil, in marriage, in parenting, in jobs. It all came together for me in a few short verses that no longer haunt me.
I feel so much more now that I broke out of my numb state and am dealing with the anger better as I can see keeping it at bay was really good. Now I want to engage again. We will see if that happens.
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