The need to express myself, to see my thoughts on paper, to understand me from someone else's eyes, or at least to look at myself as I would look at someone else who was where I am in life. I have no control over anything, except my reaction. My reaction to pain. My reaction to rejection. My reaction to knowing that people in my life are making wrong choices and that is the season God is having them go through. My reaction to hope, my reaction to love, my reaction to God's leading and love.
Greater is the One living inside of me, than he who is living in the world.
I really do become like those I surround myself with and what I listen to and work on listening to His Word, to loving like Him and having my closest people around me rooted in Him and helping me stay there.
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Sunday, June 18, 2017
That's what I like
I love weekends and evenings and windows open and summer and fall and Christmas and spring, children giggling, and my husband snoring next to me. I love hope and love and kindness and Jesus. I love family, good health, and time with people.
I trust that all that I love I will get this summer, after yet another small surgery, after yet another season of pain of which I am embarrassed of. I will get those things I like and I did this weekend but would like it without pain. It will happen. I know this is true.
I trust that all that I love I will get this summer, after yet another small surgery, after yet another season of pain of which I am embarrassed of. I will get those things I like and I did this weekend but would like it without pain. It will happen. I know this is true.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Good to Alive Right About Now
I am sure everyone goes in funks. I get there and don't even know I hit it. I think it is due to my job, my changes in life, my moment, but it is mostly that I allow myself to sit in the funk. I am not sure why I ever think this is ok, why is this allowed in my life? I don't allow my kids to live in a funk why are my expectations so different for myself.
I am so thankful for Christ's love, for my hubby and kids, my parents and in-laws, brother and all other family!! I am so thankful for the friends who put up with me when I can not stand myself!! Very thankful! Good place.
I am so thankful for Christ's love, for my hubby and kids, my parents and in-laws, brother and all other family!! I am so thankful for the friends who put up with me when I can not stand myself!! Very thankful! Good place.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Long Time Gone
I feel I must blog for my own sanity today just to get some things out and come to some understanding and compassion for myself. I have had an interesting year with some random health stuff to personal distrust in people. I know that my Jesus has walked me through it all, and will continue to, and my Trust is in Him.
Steve and I have made some major steps in our lives with buying a duplex and feeling more secure in jobs and in our marriage. I often talk with friends and say I have to follow Steve's lead on this when it comes to some decisions with our kids and with our money and I say it like it is such a chore. It is such a blessing to have a man who is following God's call and leading His family. I am not a doormat, I speak my mind but I have learned to submit better, always working on it.
My health is improving. I had a doctor tell me that I needed bariatric surgery in February and I cried for a long time and then decided it was time to do something about my weight. I am down about 10 lbs. Goal for the end of the year is 25 hope to get there and keep being healthy. Long way to go but the changes are really good in my life.
My friendships have suffered. I have closed off most people due to not trusting what I can say, what won't be brought back to me from someone else, if it is even worthy to say, and so on. I was burned a bit last year and have kind of avoided a whole social group altogether. I only allow movies and people at my house with Steve present so I don't say something I may regret or don't want others to know. I am a friend for life that is just the truth but I can no longer be the only one working on the friendship.
The world is a mess. Politics is a joke. Things can be hard. God is in control and that is the peace I cling to. I am so blessed and I am joyful and I love that I can let it all go and let God.
Steve and I have made some major steps in our lives with buying a duplex and feeling more secure in jobs and in our marriage. I often talk with friends and say I have to follow Steve's lead on this when it comes to some decisions with our kids and with our money and I say it like it is such a chore. It is such a blessing to have a man who is following God's call and leading His family. I am not a doormat, I speak my mind but I have learned to submit better, always working on it.
My health is improving. I had a doctor tell me that I needed bariatric surgery in February and I cried for a long time and then decided it was time to do something about my weight. I am down about 10 lbs. Goal for the end of the year is 25 hope to get there and keep being healthy. Long way to go but the changes are really good in my life.
My friendships have suffered. I have closed off most people due to not trusting what I can say, what won't be brought back to me from someone else, if it is even worthy to say, and so on. I was burned a bit last year and have kind of avoided a whole social group altogether. I only allow movies and people at my house with Steve present so I don't say something I may regret or don't want others to know. I am a friend for life that is just the truth but I can no longer be the only one working on the friendship.
The world is a mess. Politics is a joke. Things can be hard. God is in control and that is the peace I cling to. I am so blessed and I am joyful and I love that I can let it all go and let God.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Always something there to remind me
This week has been hard and the memories it has brought up have been hard. Death is never easy. I need to deal with it. I need to come to terms with it, but it also brings up coming to terms with my past.
My roommate from college died. I went through my messages with her in the last 15 years and found that we made peace and I never told her whole truths but we were moms walking through life. We had a common ground. I can't believe she is gone and yet glad she is not suffering anymore. Praying for her family and glad I was so forgiving years ago and that we reconnected. I have a few relationships that are strained right now and if these people were to go how would I feel? I am not sure. Asking God's guidance on this one.
My husband shared something with one of my kids today that I do not like. It was about me and somewhat in defense of me but a truth I hate. I truth I don't want in my life. How do I deal with that? I am not sure. Giving it to God. Forgiving myself. Letting it go. I will tell how that is working later.
My roommate from college died. I went through my messages with her in the last 15 years and found that we made peace and I never told her whole truths but we were moms walking through life. We had a common ground. I can't believe she is gone and yet glad she is not suffering anymore. Praying for her family and glad I was so forgiving years ago and that we reconnected. I have a few relationships that are strained right now and if these people were to go how would I feel? I am not sure. Asking God's guidance on this one.
My husband shared something with one of my kids today that I do not like. It was about me and somewhat in defense of me but a truth I hate. I truth I don't want in my life. How do I deal with that? I am not sure. Giving it to God. Forgiving myself. Letting it go. I will tell how that is working later.
Friday, December 12, 2014
Oh Holy Night!
It is the Christmas concert weekends at our church and it is bitter sweet as this is the last year our Music Minister will be here. He has done an amazing job each year and I will so miss his voice, his family and his leading from God. His music always brought on the sermon more clearly and he said it was led by God.
I look forward to hearing my Gracie play in the concerts this weekend and two next week. I look forward to remember why we celebrate this fun, festive, fast season. For that one tiny cry that came into Bethlehem that one starry night was the reason. He came to love us and it reminds me to love others.
I look forward to hearing my Gracie play in the concerts this weekend and two next week. I look forward to remember why we celebrate this fun, festive, fast season. For that one tiny cry that came into Bethlehem that one starry night was the reason. He came to love us and it reminds me to love others.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Oldie but a goodie
Trust and Obey
I was getting really tired. Man, it is tiring carrying the whole weight of the world on your shoulders. I didn't think I could hold it anymore and then it fell. It dropped on the ground into millions of pieces. All I could think was "I did that, all by myself, I broke the whole world, WHAT A LOSER I am." I looked down in despair and cried.
Then I felt something, more than a feeling almost like a still small voice saying "Look at Me, Look at Me, Brenda." I looked up. The voice continued, "Look it is only a drop of water and I will help you clean it up. I carry the weight of the world and I will never give you anything more than you can handle. I am always with You, keep looking to Me, keeping reading My Book, keep laying it at My feet. I love you."
Why do I think that I am alone, abandoned, unforgivable, unlovable? I know that those are my weaknesses. To turn on myself and I need to keep looking up, looking to God, listening to God, studying His Word and love as He has told me to do and the rest will and always does fall into place. How often I forget that it is He, not I that has the world.
Then I felt something, more than a feeling almost like a still small voice saying "Look at Me, Look at Me, Brenda." I looked up. The voice continued, "Look it is only a drop of water and I will help you clean it up. I carry the weight of the world and I will never give you anything more than you can handle. I am always with You, keep looking to Me, keeping reading My Book, keep laying it at My feet. I love you."
Why do I think that I am alone, abandoned, unforgivable, unlovable? I know that those are my weaknesses. To turn on myself and I need to keep looking up, looking to God, listening to God, studying His Word and love as He has told me to do and the rest will and always does fall into place. How often I forget that it is He, not I that has the world.
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