I Still Haven't Found What I am Looking for

We have been looking for Ashley's camera all summer. She remembers when she had it last. That's it. We lost the computer sticky thing or jumpdrive/flashdrive/other technical name, it probably is with the camera and the other soccer sock. I really do feel since I fell last November my memory has failed.

BUT.... I did remember something, the fair starts on Thursday!!!

Jesus is My Portion - A Constant Friend is He..

I have found true Joy again. I needed perspective and now I know what matters and it is not what I can control but it is that God is in control!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I long for heaven. I want to be where I am no longer a loser. Where I will be good at worshipping my Saviour and that is the only skill set required. Where people can't make me feel crummy and I will not give anyone that power. I can't wait. My grandma used to say, well, you have to wait, so you can. I know I have to wait. I know.

I am thankful for my friends and family who can verbally, physically, emotionally be there for me. As I looked into the Word for comfort, I did find it. I am so happy for the hope of what is yet to come and for the sacrifice that Jesus did. I believe His plan is best. This is where He wants me. Broken, my spirit, my heart a bit cracked, my self-esteem on a downward spiral. This is a place I have been many times but I only remember the outcome, the pulling out of it, the resting in His arms and the love of those He allowed to love me. This place will soon no longer exist, in fact, it is almost gone.

Pocket Full of Sunshine

Yesterday, my Pastor asked us what condition our soul was? I thought about it for quite some time and thought my soul is discontent. As I thought about it this morning as some things in my life got uncomfortable, my soul is spoiled. I expect things to be smooth, uncomplicated, easy and that is just not going to happen.

I have so many good things in my life that one aspect of it should make it a 'hard time' or be that big of deal and I am trying not to allow it. I am trying to look at the good and learn from the tough. I will be more open about this matter soon.

I Wear My Sunglasses at Night

Right now I realize that is what I have been doing. I have been allowing myself to be blind to things to come so that I will not react. I got over being numb and censoring myself but now I need to open my eyes to reality. Don't hear me wrong, I do this every summer. I enjoy the moments and the freedom and the daylight and the warmth. I am sure most of us don't sit around on a hot July night and think about how it will be below zero and we will have boots and mittens laying around the house. My head has not been in the sand but I have purposely blocked a few things out of my sight. They are all becoming clear.
As I glimpse some of the 'stuff' to come, yes, one of those things is school, I know my reaction should be as it has been all summer, that God is in control. I need not rely on myself to make it better or less scary but rest in His arms. I can do that.
I get my baby back tomorrow from camp. She went alone and my sleep went with her. I can't wait until we are all home for the rest of the summer or at least together!

Catch Me I'm Falling

I love summer and all the fun it brings. It is relaxing and critical in reconnecting to my children. This is the last summer that my oldest will go back to school. Next summer she will be going to college somewhere that I will not be able to see her everyday. I am not ready for this. I am not ready for her to be a senior and yet here it is.

Raise Your Hands Up and Shout

I think that I have been comfortably numb for some time now. Knowing that silence and listening is better than putting my foot in my mouth when I speak out of anger or treatment that I feel is unjust. I know God is in control and rely on that only yet not really engaging in anything. I have friends and love my family but I feel as though I have been a spectator, attending events, making an appearance but not being vulnerable at all. I have a couple people I rely on with most things but really don't want them to know that for awhile I have felt nothing.

That stopped over the weekend. I sat in Sunday School class and the verses we were going over were ones that hurt me in the past. Ones I had to struggle with now as I failed my first marriage and see how all that ties into my daughter's life - the fallout. I also see how God's plan is for good and not evil, in marriage, in parenting, in jobs. It all came together for me in a few short verses that no longer haunt me.

I feel so much more now that I broke out of my numb state and am dealing with the anger better as I can see keeping it at bay was really good. Now I want to engage again. We will see if that happens.