Catch Me I'm Falling

I love summer and all the fun it brings. It is relaxing and critical in reconnecting to my children. This is the last summer that my oldest will go back to school. Next summer she will be going to college somewhere that I will not be able to see her everyday. I am not ready for this. I am not ready for her to be a senior and yet here it is.

Raise Your Hands Up and Shout

I think that I have been comfortably numb for some time now. Knowing that silence and listening is better than putting my foot in my mouth when I speak out of anger or treatment that I feel is unjust. I know God is in control and rely on that only yet not really engaging in anything. I have friends and love my family but I feel as though I have been a spectator, attending events, making an appearance but not being vulnerable at all. I have a couple people I rely on with most things but really don't want them to know that for awhile I have felt nothing.

That stopped over the weekend. I sat in Sunday School class and the verses we were going over were ones that hurt me in the past. Ones I had to struggle with now as I failed my first marriage and see how all that ties into my daughter's life - the fallout. I also see how God's plan is for good and not evil, in marriage, in parenting, in jobs. It all came together for me in a few short verses that no longer haunt me.

I feel so much more now that I broke out of my numb state and am dealing with the anger better as I can see keeping it at bay was really good. Now I want to engage again. We will see if that happens.

I'm So Glad I'm a Part of the Family of God

Family. I love my family, even my loud, pesky older brother. I love the moments we get together with the in-laws. I love my husband and my kids. I have been very thankful for the family God has given me, mostly because they are all His gift. They are family through His blood and not by anything earthly. I love that. It ties my whole world together.

Who Says You're Not Perfect

You know who says this to me mostly - me. I am having one of those days that I just am not good enough. I am actually joyful that I am a bit down because I was numb for a bit and hoping I wasn't truly past the point of help without some sort of intervention but now that I am sad, after being cranky, I know I am ok. You see if I care enough to change my emotions or work through them then I am still feeling, thinking, understanding myself. It is when I don't care, don't feel just exist that I become my own worst problem.

So, here I am, one month into summer, knowing God is in control as I have not felt like my 'job' as a mother has been compromised by my other 'job'. I am happy, just need to look past a few things that have been hurting me, holding me prisoner a bit. I need to be ok with people not seeing me for who I really am or for what I could be. I need to be ok with people not liking me all that much or talking bad about me. I am ok with those things but they are wearing me down today. Nothing a 4 day weekend won't cure right?

For the Sake of the Call

Praying for these guys!!

Heartbreaker

I am broken which, for the first time in my life, I am ok with. I am not having a meltdown, or going into some spiral of self loathing. I am just broken.

Most of the things I am broken about are about other people. People I love, want to protect, want to not be broken, but they are too. I know all I can do is pray for them, that is it. I can't change the pain they are going through. I can't fix it. I can pray and listen if they need to talk.

Right now there are so many thoughts going through my head. Different scenarios of how these situations will end and none of them end with me fixing it. Good thing to keep in mind tonight.

Because You Loved Me

I like Celine Dion on certain days of the week. Not all days. Not all weeks but this song makes me think of God's love. It is His love that makes me strong, that makes me unafraid, that makes glad, that makes me love.

I know that there are many terrible things that we as people do. We are mean, selfish, greedy, and uncaring. The last one is what I need to process today. How can we as people not care for other people? I mean we all want to be cared for or at least not be treated badly, rudely or ignored. Why would we do that to other people? Why don't we treat them like we want to be treated?

I am flawed in this often, mostly with children and my patience level, but sometimes when I am in a hurry, stuck in myself and my goals, I miss people. I don't even take time to say hello. I need to be better and challenge those around me to better at this. You never know what person just needs to be acknowledge, said 'hi' to and how are you doing. You can make their day, month, even year to know someone looked at them and that they are not invisible.

This is my challenge to myself.