Highway to Hell

 This world certainly seems to be heading this direction.  No unity, no trying to understand one another, no love, no respect and it almost seems hopeless.  But there is Hope!  His name is Jesus!  He is waiting for everyone who follows Him to step up and Love like Him!  I want to get off the highway and hope to at lease shine the Light on a better path. 

Kids in America

So I found this again and want to support my children and start journaling more.
Please listen to all my babies at BRCM.buzzsprout.com
Or see Ashley at https://youtu.be/cpBKPp9oS44

I just need U

The need to express myself, to see my thoughts on paper, to understand me from someone else's eyes, or at least to look at myself as I would look at someone else who was where I am in life.  I have no control over anything, except my reaction. My reaction to pain.  My reaction to rejection. My reaction to knowing that people in my life are making wrong choices and that is the season God is having them go through.  My reaction to hope, my reaction to love, my reaction to God's leading and love.

Greater is the One living inside of me, than he who is living in the world.

I really do become like those I surround myself with and what I listen to and work on listening to His Word, to loving like Him and having my closest people around me rooted in Him and helping me stay there.

That's what I like

I love weekends and evenings and windows open and summer and fall and Christmas and spring, children giggling, and my husband snoring next to me.  I love hope and love and kindness and Jesus.  I love family, good health, and time with people. 

I trust that all that I love I will get this summer, after yet another small surgery, after yet another season of pain of which I am embarrassed of.  I will get those things I like and I did this weekend but would like it without pain. It will happen.  I know this is true.

Good to Alive Right About Now

I am sure everyone goes in funks.  I get there and don't even know I hit it.  I think it is due to my job, my changes in life, my moment, but it is mostly that I allow myself to sit in the funk.  I am not sure why I ever think this is ok, why is this allowed in my life?  I don't allow my kids to live in a funk why are my expectations so different for myself.

I am so thankful for Christ's love, for my hubby and kids, my parents and in-laws, brother and all other family!!  I am so thankful for the friends who put up with me when I can not stand myself!!  Very thankful!  Good place.

Long Time Gone

I feel I must blog for my own sanity today just to get some things out and come to some understanding and compassion for myself. I have had an interesting year with some random health stuff to personal distrust in people.  I know that my Jesus has walked me through it all, and will continue to, and my Trust is in Him.

Steve and I have made some major steps in our lives with buying a duplex and feeling more secure in jobs and in our marriage.  I often talk with friends and say I have to follow Steve's lead on this when it comes to some decisions with our kids and with our money and I say it like it is such a chore. It is such a blessing to have a man who is following God's call and leading His family.  I am not a doormat, I speak my mind but I have learned to submit better, always working on it.

My health is improving.  I had a doctor tell me that I needed bariatric surgery in February and I cried for a long time and then decided it was time to do something about my weight.  I am down about 10 lbs. Goal for the end of the year is 25 hope to get there and keep being healthy.  Long way to go but the changes are really good in my life.

My friendships have suffered.  I have closed off most people due to not trusting what I can say, what won't be brought back to me from someone else, if it is even worthy to say, and so on.  I was burned a bit last year and have kind of avoided a whole social group altogether.  I only allow movies and people at my house with Steve present so I don't say something I may regret or don't want others to know.  I am a friend for life that is just the truth but I can no longer be the only one working on the friendship.

The world is a mess. Politics is a joke. Things can be hard. God is in control and that is the peace I cling to.  I am so blessed and I am joyful and I love that I can let it all go and let God.

Always something there to remind me

This week has been hard and the memories it has brought up have been hard.  Death is never easy.  I need to deal with it.  I need to come to terms with it, but it also brings up coming to terms with my past.

My roommate from college died.  I went through my messages with her in the last 15 years and found that we made peace and I never told her whole truths but we were moms walking through life.  We had a common ground.  I can't believe she is gone and yet glad she is not suffering anymore.  Praying for her family and glad I was so forgiving years ago and that we reconnected.  I have a few relationships that are strained right now and if these people were to go how would I feel?  I am not sure.  Asking God's guidance on this one.

My husband shared something with one of my kids today that I do not like.  It was about me and somewhat in defense of me but a truth I hate.  I truth I don't want in my life.  How do I deal with that?  I am not sure.  Giving it to God. Forgiving myself.  Letting it go.  I will tell how that is working later.

Oh Holy Night!

It is the Christmas concert weekends at our church and it is bitter sweet as this is the last year our Music Minister will be here.  He has done an amazing job each year and I will so miss his voice, his family and his leading from God.  His music always brought on the sermon more clearly and he said it was led by God. 

I look forward to hearing my Gracie play in the concerts this weekend and two next week.  I look forward to remember why we celebrate this fun, festive, fast season.  For that one tiny cry that came into Bethlehem that one starry night was the reason.  He came to love us and it reminds me to love others. 

Oldie but a goodie

Trust and Obey

I was getting really tired. Man, it is tiring carrying the whole weight of the world on your shoulders. I didn't think I could hold it anymore and then it fell. It dropped on the ground into millions of pieces. All I could think was "I did that, all by myself, I broke the whole world, WHAT A LOSER I am." I looked down in despair and cried.
Then I felt something, more than a feeling almost like a still small voice saying "Look at Me, Look at Me, Brenda." I looked up. The voice continued, "Look it is only a drop of water and I will help you clean it up. I carry the weight of the world and I will never give you anything more than you can handle. I am always with You, keep looking to Me, keeping reading My Book, keep laying it at My feet. I love you."

Why do I think that I am alone, abandoned, unforgivable, unlovable? I know that those are my weaknesses. To turn on myself and I need to keep looking up, looking to God, listening to God, studying His Word and love as He has told me to do and the rest will and always does fall into place. How often I forget that it is He, not I that has the world.

Love Changes Everything

I am in a funk.  Probably why I feel like blogging.  Need to release some thought without disturbing those around me.  This is a strange feeling.  My husband thinks it is the weather which I am sure is a factor.  I just don't 'feel' a lot of anything right now.  Not sadness, but not joy.

I now feel again.  I know I have not let people in lately.  I have connected and reached out but I am not telling people the truth about how I feel, even Steve.  Not because he doesn't care, not because I am angry or sad, but because of fear.  Fear that people will leave me if I am real with them.  Nothing to do
with people I know now, all about what is inside of me.  I hate that part of me.  The part I have not dealt with, the part I don't remember or deal with or need to deal with, the past is the past and that is where it belongs.

Christ loves shows me that I can trust Him and He gave me the people in my life and from this moment after I type I will trust them.  This is why I blog to find the truth in my frustration.  Good things.

I HOPE YOU DANCE

I love my kids.  I do hope they love the Lord and follow Him and find earthly love also. I hope they choose to do things that want to do, experience things that I never got to or never wanted to so they have not had a chance. I want so much for them and yet just hope that as God leads they appreciate everything they have and love Christ for His sacrifice!

I just read through entries for the last 3 years.  My life has changed a lot and yet some things still sting as I read them.  I am content in my job, I love my church family - still feel I don't belong there but I am trusting God and Steve, excited about how the kids are doing and that my parents are healthy.  Nice place to be.  Really nice.

Gunpowder and Lead

There have been some things that have been disturbing me lately.  Some actions by those around me, some lack of love and commitment and I go to my angry place.  These people are not close to me and I can not help those that are affected by there actions but I can pray.

God's grace and forgiveness is what I want to be like and I FAIL A LOT.  I want to fix this!  I want those people to not feel like nothing and the children that are involved to know that they have nothing to do with what the adults around them are doing.  Life is hard.  Marriage is hard and letting God work through all of the sin in the world is hard to comprehend.  I know He is in control.  I need to rest there and not take it into my own hands.

It's All Coming Back to Me Now

There are days where I live in the now.  I have a wonderful Lord, a loving husband, 3 beautiful and fun children, a house, money, a church...the list is long of blessings.  I know.

But on occasion I am living in a one bedroom apartment in VA or TX and I am trapped and abused and angry, but I did have my Lord and my child.

Both of those parts of my life have brought me closer to the Lord.  My life has brought me to appreciate so much and relate to so many.  I don't want to ever forget but I do not allow myself to live as a victim of what I have been through.  I hope I remember that on days when I forget how good I have it and on the days I know I am blessed.

I'm A Loser, Baby

I feel like a loser the minute I get out of bed in the morning.  I would say that it will pass I would like to know when.  I had my tonsils out 3 weeks ago and still am having trouble swallowing and now I got a cold and it makes life really gross and I feel that if I whine I KNOW so many others that are dying of cancer or fighting this is NOTHING.  SO, I feel like a loser.

This will pass, it must pass, it better pass.  I let you know.

Come Along With Me

My journey this past 2 weeks has been way painful.  Having your tonsils pulled as an adult is a very, very long recovery.  I am still waiting for the left side to heal but happy the right is better.  I am fuzzy and have had to deal with way too much in the last 2 weeks being mentally impaired.  Hope to start eating real food soon and have clarity.  Here's to hoping.

Give Me A Wish to Build a Dream On

My wishes are full and my hope is Him.  Here is my list -

• That Christ's Love would be shown throughout the world
• For the killing of inconviences to stop
• For more hope in the world
• For less media (Funny as I type this but so true in so many ways)
• For more family time
• For more grace
• For more mercy
• For more forgiveness

My life has been pleasant as of late.  We have a few things that are really a bummer but can not complain about them.  I am working on finding peace with a war I have been fighting, really can't figure out how to do this, how to just let it all go, but still working on it and trying to not become bitter.

Be Careful Little Ears What You Hear

So I love music.  I really love most kinds of music and do not pay much attention to who is singing or sometimes words (oops!).  I have learned some info that I do not know if it is true or not but now understand that I need to be a bit more informed about what I am listening to. 
Most people in the world are not going to think like me or believe what I believe.  I need to live with them and that fact.  I am sure what I read on the internet could be true or very well be a lie but I need to have these conversations with my kids and help them to understand not to idolize people.  I never did that as a kid.  The singers I really liked I never learned about their families. I did not know what they thought was cool and I think I am teaching my kids to look away a bit too.
The artist I am talking about is Beyonce.  I love her voice.  I think she is very pretty.  I know she is very wealthy, but I think she may be into things that I should never associate with so she is off my play list.  Lesson learned.

Manic Monday

What a strange day! Can not believe that I have such a strange life more to come...

Mary, Did You Know?

This is one of those songs that gives me chills.  To be able to relate to someone that held a baby, who is my Savior, the Savior of the world - amazing.  I wonder if like me she felt very unworthy.

That is my day today.  I know this is feeling not from God but I feel like I am failing as a wife, mother, Christ-follower, and many things.  I have gone to the Word and the first thing I read was the Proverbs woman.  Now that did not help as I will never be like that, if you find a woman like that she should share how she does it with us all.  I then read my Proverbs for the day and saw how I needed to think, to think of things eternal, not things of this world.  I know that I will get over this feeling.  I know I am fighting things not of this world. 

Just like Mary, I have no idea the impact I have on this world or my children have on this world and will rest in the fact that God has a purpose for me, this I know, that He loves me.

Does Anybody Hear her?

So we begin the month of thankfulness.  I listened to this song today and am so thankful that I have been where I have been in life so I can be here, right now.  My life is not cookie cutter anything.  Very few have the same journey as another so that is not unusual to be unique, but I am thankful today that I can relate to people that I onced judged, was once ashamed to be, but now see it was all for a purpose.  So we begin November and all I am thankful for stay tuned...