Random thoughts of kindness

Unpretty

2012-02-06T07:37:00.002-06:00

This world is crazy. I saw that last night as I pretended to watch the game with some friends. I did watch the commercials when I was in the room. I had a good time, but I saw what was being sold the most. Doritos. No really, perfect bodies on women in particular are pranced around everywhere, to sell a car, to sell food, to sell insurance. It doesn't usually bother me until I hear my size 4 daughter say 'I'm fat'. She did not learn this at home. Not at her home in MN at least.

What can I do?

Unwritten

2012-02-04T18:40:00.004-06:00

I have been anxious lately. I thought it was a lack of patience for the 8 or so stones remaining to be passed from my kidneys or the drugs that I am taking to not have pain. But it is not. It is my baby girl, Ashley.

What will she do next year? What will her life be like, what school will she go to, what will she major in? It is not in my hands. I remember putting her on a plane alone for the first time when she was 5. I gave her to God that day. She was not mine, she has always been His but this is way harder than I thought. Letting go, not getting too involved, yet still responsible for her while she is here. Confusing, makes me anxious, but I know exactly what to do, just like I did as she had to be away from me for at least a week a year with someone I did not trust. I need to trust my Father is watching her. I know He is.

Keep Holding On

2012-01-31T19:51:00.004-06:00

What would it be like to live in a fairy tale? I think that I do live in one. I am a princess, treated really well by all who live with me. We always get along. We never yell or fight or cry. Ok I am on pain meds and this not true but close.

I went to a Sunday school class with Ashley that talked about mothers and daughters. One thing that was brought up was talking things out. This is one thing Ashley and I and Steve have done well with this year. We are very open and no topic is off limits. We may have to take a break and get back to it but it has really helped. We do fight and get on each others nerves and then I get a stone or 11 and everybody gets on my nerves. Right now I am in SO MUCH PAIN.

Anywho, my lovely people have been great or at least that is how I am seeing it. :)

Love's The Only House Big Enough for all the Pain in the World

2012-01-19T08:49:00.005-06:00

I have been unsettled lately. I have wondered why when I have been blessed with so much. I have a great God, family, friends, health, enough money, time and a job. I have this feeling that I don't feel too often, this heaviness.

I figured it out a few days ago. I have talked about how one of my passions is to love like Christ and my fellow Christians usually agree with me. My problem is the lack of practice. There are so many people that are waiting to see Christ in others. To just have them talk to them, to invite them to coffee or dinner, to bake them cookies or send them a card. I do NOT do it enough so this is not a rant about anyone in particular just something I have been pondering and praying on and trying to change in myself. To love and live like Christ who accepts everyone, not just the ones who have the kids the same age as me, or kids that I enjoy for that matter. Not just the people who have the same interests or personality disorders that I have. Not just the ones who love Christ or show love easily.

I see so many people hurting because we forget to say 'hi' to them in the mall or the store or the hallway at Church. I admit to having looked forward to seeing my 'friends' at church and there are many that I have over more often than others. You can't be friends with everyone, my mom would say, which is true, but we can be loving to everyone. I need to work on this.

Suddenly I See

2012-01-11T13:18:00.003-06:00

This weekend we chose to see our former Interim Senior Pastor at his church that he is filling in for and the sermon and the people and the experience was exactly what we all needed. Not that I need another church but it is great to feel connected to the family of God outside of the building that I attend for church. Learned about Habakkuk and some really pressing answers to questions I have been wrestling with this year. Ashley got to see a friend who is going through a tough time and be an encouragement. I got to see a friend I have been wanting to connect with again for about 20 years and it felt like we just saw each other the day before. It was so good.

There are not many times that I think 'wow, it is all coming together' but this was a good moment, an ochrestrated moment by God I believe.

Pinch Me

2012-01-05T07:17:00.004-06:00

So, my 11 year old threw a fit the other day. Something did not go her way and I could not believe that she was doing that and then I said to my husband, 'She learned that from me'. I usually end my tantrums with 'I'm done'. I NEED TO WORK ON SELF-CONTROL! This is the year to be more calm, silent, think before I speak. I will do it and then when I blog about this again - please feel free to pinch me. ;)

Surf City Here we come!

2011-12-30T09:41:00.004-06:00

One of our December adventures was the annual company party for my husband that usually puts us up at a hotel for the night. This year it offered an awesome discount for a second night where we stayed which was the Radisson/Water Park of America. So we got the second night and had Ashley drive the kids in and we played all day and due to the great accommodations the sleeping was great with bunks and a pullout - great hotel!!
Anyway, a few were brave enough to try the surfing ride. Ashley, Mike and Steve tried it and they did great. However the disclaimer that should be with this ride is "Your clothes may not stay on". Ashley almost lost hers, lots of girls lost their tops and the workers would quickly cover them with a towel. Mike lost his shorts, all the way down. The thing was there were these older ladies taking pictures of people as they wiped out and they kept filming as my son lost his shorts. Not sure why. Be careful on that ride.

I Like to Dance, Cuz I Got the Joy

2011-12-27T10:47:00.002-06:00

I have many pictures to post of Christmas and we will see if that happens. It was a great Christmas which can be taken as almost uneventful. We did not mind that no one had mono or no drama or no illness. We enjoyed family and friends and food and celebrating the birth of Jesus. We enjoy being reminded that He came to the lowly state of a human babe to relate to us, to be real to us.

My greatest earthly joy this Christmas has been having the family together and that they are so greatful for all we have been blessed with, such as time together, food, family (love Skype), some fun gifts to bond us, some creative gifts to appreciate thoughtfulness, some needed things that we can appreciate as gifts, more food, and love. I pray that as you read this your time was spent with those you love and you felt love and peace and it will continue into the new year.

Let It Snow

2011-12-15T12:42:00.002-06:00

It will and then we will all be complaining about how much work the snow is. I sure think it is pretty and peaceful to watch come down. It makes everything clean, I love that. A blanket of white, a clean slate.

I hope this year is a clean slate for all. I am looking forward to turning to 2012 as 2011 has been hard. I am sure some things in 2012 will be hard too but hopefully more sporadic than this year.

I feel like I am becoming something I said I wouldn't. I only thought this one other time and that is right before I got pregnant with Ashley. I am not letting go of my walk with Christ or rationalizing who I am like I did in 1993, but I am becoming a 'mom' and a 'wife' that takes it all for granted. I am very guilty of complaining these days. I hope that is not true soon. I will change this fact and make it past tense. I will have a clean slate.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

2011-12-12T10:52:00.002-06:00

I do not remember if my kids believed in Santa. It was never important to us at Christmas but I think Ashley believed and Michael for a moment but Gracie never got a chance. Now that they are 11, 12 and 17 Santa is not much of a topic unless they want to be 'santas' to others. They sure do like giving and I love that.

This Christmas has been very mellow except the remodel in my kitchen. My hubby is painting and putting in new flooring which I like but as we entertain we have to eat in the living room where the kitchen table is. Not too bad just a strange with the tree and a few couches and extra chairs in there. I will like it when it is all done. :)

I have been thinking a lot about all we have and pray that we all count our blessings more than just at Christmas. Family sure is wonderful and the 'things' just don't seem that important. So very thankful for all I have and even for all I do not have, probably makes life easier to go without certain things. Remembering the greatest Gift of all!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2011-12-06T09:35:00.002-06:00

And here is why I believe it is -

People are so much nicer. They smile at you and look at you and talk to strangers. It brings out some kindness that people keep bottled up all year long. It makes me feel normal as my my dad passed on the ability to talk to anyone.

You can sing in public and it isn't that strange. I love to sing! Now it is a bit more acceptable. I can even sing about Jesus.

People make time for other people. Even though Christmas is so busy we actually fit in what matters and that is those relationships we put off all year. I love it. Even if it is at a Christmas party where you catch up, you get to catch up.

Shopping is an equalizer. We were shopping at 2 am in the morning on the Friday after Thanksgiving and we talked to so many people. We are all trying to get a bargain some for others some for ourselves and people will help if they can. It was nice, tiring but nice.

You can say the name Jesus and not get shushed. Ok, maybe if you make Him in baby form it is easier for anyone to hear about Him, but I can say His name. I like that.

I am reminded that it is the simple things in life like the Christmas lights glowing while we all gather around, or snow falling, or smiles from a stranger that make me see His face at this time of year.

Even through the commercials and hoopla of Christmas that the world has made it. I see Christ in it all. What a wonderful thing!

Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart

2011-11-28T11:02:00.004-06:00

What a difference a year makes. Unfortunately the illness that plagued my daughter was the onset of many things this year. But we are now seeing progress in a certain area of her life. I always look at hitting bottom as a blessing as we can only look up and work at it. That is what we are doing, working on it.

This Christmas will be different as I will miss the company party that I have attended the last 5 years. I never thought a job change would affect me. But it really became part of my life, not who I was but working with the youth on top of assistant to the youth Pastor became a big passion for me. I miss it, but very happy where I am now.

So much crammed into a month sounds chaotic but it will be a blast. I look forward to every Christmas carol, reminder of Christ's birth and the goodness of God, decorations, friends gathering, food, all of it. I love Christmas.

I am so thankful for many things this season. My Savior who has giving me so much and still teaching me more, my family - my husband is amazing, my kids are smart and growing into who God wants them to be, my parents, my brother, my in-laws - all of them. I am so grateful for my friends, those that are new and those that have known me for 20 + years! God is good!

Parenting 101 Class Please!

2011-11-18T08:48:00.002-06:00

I am need of this class today. I love how you never get out of the parent role. My mom is still my parent. We are friends but there are moments she tells me what to do with my kids or my life and I listen and then talk with Steve if it is something that we would consider changing or needing to change. I get how to be a daughter, but a mom is whole other thing.

Any help or just acknowledgement of prayer would be great. My oldest is starting the process of emancipation. I know I went through it, I hear that this is normal, but the constant arguments about why she should get her way and then the statement that she will do it anyway is wearing on me. This week I have 'given up' and let Steve do all the discussion times with my daughter. I know that I must be having an off week, maybe hormonal but was nice to stay out of it this week.

Then I get a call from my mom challenging me on some of my thought processes. Am I letting her do too much? (I have tried to stop her before with no success so I don't really see it as stopping, you can't make a kid go to sleep, I think we as parents learn that around 2 days old.)
Should I be more involved in her choices with friends? (YES. Don't know how to do that right now. She has chosen some people we do not appreciate but those we do could hide a lot or those we do not like could be a diamond in the rough. This one is hard for me as a mom and Christian. I am to protect my kid yet teach them to love as Christ.) Can't you put down the rules more? (I don't know. We do punish her but the behavior returns, we do natural consequences. We listen as she tells us why she is doing stuff. I am at the end of my rope.)

So as I present this to Christ can you join me? And if you have any pearls of wisdom please share, even if it is how you parent your toddler, really I need it!

My Wish

2011-11-16T10:27:00.003-06:00

Love this song. My wish right now is to freeze time as my kids are growing too fast. So thankful for every fight, hug, smile, tear, all of it. I will miss it and will choose to embrace this part of life with open arms.

My eyes are opening to a lot of things right now. I am growing and maturing, against my will sometimes, but happy to be molded by Him.

I am so excited for this season as I get to see it from such a different perspective. A viewpoint of those who are not all in a community where love is. I see a lot of lonely people, hope that we don't forget the people in our lives that live alone.

Now That We Found Love What are We going To Do With It

2011-11-09T10:46:00.002-06:00

I so enjoyed this song in my youth and if I ever get to wedding that plays it at a dance what a fun one to jam to. :)

This weekend we celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas with my parents and brother. It was fun but fast and always a bit sad as my folks are going to leave for Florida real soon.

We also have a big celebration at my church of 125 years. It is great to be reminded of what was done before us and we celebrate fun events. I hope that we can continue to be a part of where God is leading us. I wonder what the congregation that spoke mostly a different language would say about our building and plans.

I am working through a number of issues in my head as of late, one being my baby going away to college next year. This one is a hard one. We visited one college so far with more to come.

This Is How We Do It

2011-10-13T10:25:00.003-05:00

I am doing great. If you ask me that is what I will say and it is the truth. I am great when I don't have to think about how weak I am. Not physically weak, but emotionally. My life is going in the right direction. I DO like my new job. I AM happy that I have made this change. It is only when I walk back into my old job that I am not well.

So this is how I need to deal with this. I need to focus on the fact that I am going to live for my family in that area of my life. I need to give it all to continue to make the effort and let God show me some love in this area and work on my dissapointment. That is all I can do. I hope it works.

So glad tomorrow is Friday night date night! Need it right now!

You Are My Sunshine

2011-10-11T12:24:00.002-05:00

Sun is great. Although it does not solve all things. I have questions, such as...

How do I trust people after they have proven to be untrustworthy?

Why do people think you are supposed to just get over things immediately?

Am I wrong for not being able to get past things?

Can I be happy and not be content?

Why are my kids smarter than me?

Am I really getting old enough to lose memory cells?

Could aging help me get over things?

What was my point?

Yes, these and many questions are bouncing around in random order in my cranium. I don't think I will get answers but any suggestions would be great.

Your My Inspiration

2011-10-07T09:15:00.003-05:00

Many people have inspired me in my life as of late. The wife who is losing her husband to ALS and blogging about how God is working in her life. The man who is fighting cancer after it returned after 5 years and continues to be hopeful. The woman who will live with cancer until she dies from something else and can still see the good that is on this earth. The mom who is homeschooling her 4 kids and pregnant with her 5th and still has energy to be a great friend. The newly married couple who is struggling to make it by and all they need is love right now.

I am inspired. I am reminded by how good life is and how I take it for granted and then stomp on it and whine and cry that I deserve so much more. I have done that for most of this year. Not all the time but have dealt badly with disappointment, expecting life to be easier, more Brenda friendly. My perspective at that time was my reality and now I see that it wasn't always true, ok maybe not true at all at times.

Thanks friends for the inspiration, hopefully one day I can return the gift.

I'm on the Edge of Glory

2011-09-28T11:13:00.003-05:00

I feel different today. I don't know if it is just the weather or the fact that I feel settled or the fact that my kids are doing so well at school or I decided to be in a good mood or I have spent more time with the Lord. I am sure it is a combo of all of the above. What a good day! What a new place to be.

Loving it.

So here is what has been up that I have not shared. My kids go to the BEST SCHOOL EVER, their words. I became a soccer mom, Mike loves it. I have a Spoon as a daughter, excited for Beauty and the Beast. Ash is loving college life. I can handle 5 days of work a week as long as there is coffee. :)

Turn, Turn, Turn

2011-09-22T16:18:00.002-05:00

If I were to be totally honest about what is going on in my life I would laugh as I type it. My life is great. I have 3 kids who love their school and love the Lord, a husband who loves God and me and is working. No sickness, no cancer, no real problems, except me. Me accepting the place I am right now is my only problem. Stupid, huh?

I am what I call in Humbleville. I am eating, breathing, sleeping humble pie. It is supposed to be character building I hear. I guess it is. To be dropped, not good enough, replaced and discarded is hard. To have 600 people see it happen is harder. To know that my God loves me and thinks that I am good enough to show His Light, I know it will all be ok. I just need to heal, time I want it to speed up.

The Dog Days are Over

2011-09-16T11:32:00.005-05:00

I am hoping that I feel like the beginning of my new job will make me feel that there is closure with my old one. I am sort of understanding that there will be questions that I don't want to have answers. I know this is the right choice but it still is a struggle to get excited that all this happened. Maybe I don't need to be excited, maybe I just need to move forward and not look back. Understand that this new adventure is what is needed now for my family, for my church family, for His Glory.

Struggling is my problem, stress is my condition, anger is my enemy.

Hot Fun in the Summertime

2011-09-11T17:57:00.002-05:00

Love the MN State Fair. Enjoy each moment of it and the last few days of summer spent with my kids. I truly like that it is a normal part of life as the next week was going to be new to us all. Feel so Blessed!

That's the Way Love Goes

2011-09-09T07:00:00.002-05:00

My husband is so supportive. He has had to put up with a lot this year. The physical pain last year was much easier to deal with than the stress of this year. He has made me trust him more, love him more, and look to him more for advice. He has taught me to understand that we are partners in life not just in the house but for this time in the world. What a feeling!

Never Say Goodbye

2011-09-08T21:38:00.002-05:00

Big changes for us here at the Chermak house. My kids are at new schools, I got a new job - Big things. I am not ready to say goodbye.

They Will Know We are Christians by our Love

2011-09-03T23:44:00.002-05:00

I hate generalizations. I hate when people categorize a group as all the same. I don't know anyone who is exactly like another person. Each of us thinks independently. I do like this hope for Christians that they will know us by our love.
Many people think Christians are more judgemental or rigid or even broken. They see us as those who fear to look as they fail and I am sure many Christians don't want to fail. We do. Often. It is how we deal with our mistakes that determine if we are truly loving like Christ or just going through the motions.
I am in the midst of dealing with a mistake of my own in my Christian community. I am not sure my reaction is well, but with Steve's guidance I am sure it is better than I worry it is. We are taught to love, but we don't always listen. We are taught to talk things out, be honest, be fair, but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.
I wish "they" were all wrong when they speak in broad terms about people who love Christ. I wish I could prove them wrong more often, wrong motive I know, but we are often flawed. Sin does that sometimes.

I Still Haven't Found What I am Looking for

2011-08-22T23:02:00.004-05:00

We have been looking for Ashley's camera all summer. She remembers when she had it last. That's it. We lost the computer sticky thing or jumpdrive/flashdrive/other technical name, it probably is with the camera and the other soccer sock. I really do feel since I fell last November my memory has failed.

BUT.... I did remember something, the fair starts on Thursday!!!

Jesus is My Portion - A Constant Friend is He..

2011-08-20T18:12:00.002-05:00

I have found true Joy again. I needed perspective and now I know what matters and it is not what I can control but it is that God is in control!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

2011-08-17T23:44:00.004-05:00

I long for heaven. I want to be where I am no longer a loser. Where I will be good at worshipping my Saviour and that is the only skill set required. Where people can't make me feel crummy and I will not give anyone that power. I can't wait. My grandma used to say, well, you have to wait, so you can. I know I have to wait. I know.

I am thankful for my friends and family who can verbally, physically, emotionally be there for me. As I looked into the Word for comfort, I did find it. I am so happy for the hope of what is yet to come and for the sacrifice that Jesus did. I believe His plan is best. This is where He wants me. Broken, my spirit, my heart a bit cracked, my self-esteem on a downward spiral. This is a place I have been many times but I only remember the outcome, the pulling out of it, the resting in His arms and the love of those He allowed to love me. This place will soon no longer exist, in fact, it is almost gone.

Pocket Full of Sunshine

2011-08-15T11:08:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, my Pastor asked us what condition our soul was? I thought about it for quite some time and thought my soul is discontent. As I thought about it this morning as some things in my life got uncomfortable, my soul is spoiled. I expect things to be smooth, uncomplicated, easy and that is just not going to happen.

I have so many good things in my life that one aspect of it should make it a 'hard time' or be that big of deal and I am trying not to allow it. I am trying to look at the good and learn from the tough. I will be more open about this matter soon.

I Wear My Sunglasses at Night

2011-08-11T10:32:00.002-05:00

Right now I realize that is what I have been doing. I have been allowing myself to be blind to things to come so that I will not react. I got over being numb and censoring myself but now I need to open my eyes to reality. Don't hear me wrong, I do this every summer. I enjoy the moments and the freedom and the daylight and the warmth. I am sure most of us don't sit around on a hot July night and think about how it will be below zero and we will have boots and mittens laying around the house. My head has not been in the sand but I have purposely blocked a few things out of my sight. They are all becoming clear.
As I glimpse some of the 'stuff' to come, yes, one of those things is school, I know my reaction should be as it has been all summer, that God is in control. I need not rely on myself to make it better or less scary but rest in His arms. I can do that.
I get my baby back tomorrow from camp. She went alone and my sleep went with her. I can't wait until we are all home for the rest of the summer or at least together!

Catch Me I'm Falling

2011-08-03T14:59:00.002-05:00

I love summer and all the fun it brings. It is relaxing and critical in reconnecting to my children. This is the last summer that my oldest will go back to school. Next summer she will be going to college somewhere that I will not be able to see her everyday. I am not ready for this. I am not ready for her to be a senior and yet here it is.

Raise Your Hands Up and Shout

2011-07-20T12:58:00.002-05:00

I think that I have been comfortably numb for some time now. Knowing that silence and listening is better than putting my foot in my mouth when I speak out of anger or treatment that I feel is unjust. I know God is in control and rely on that only yet not really engaging in anything. I have friends and love my family but I feel as though I have been a spectator, attending events, making an appearance but not being vulnerable at all. I have a couple people I rely on with most things but really don't want them to know that for awhile I have felt nothing.

That stopped over the weekend. I sat in Sunday School class and the verses we were going over were ones that hurt me in the past. Ones I had to struggle with now as I failed my first marriage and see how all that ties into my daughter's life - the fallout. I also see how God's plan is for good and not evil, in marriage, in parenting, in jobs. It all came together for me in a few short verses that no longer haunt me.

I feel so much more now that I broke out of my numb state and am dealing with the anger better as I can see keeping it at bay was really good. Now I want to engage again. We will see if that happens.

I'm So Glad I'm a Part of the Family of God

2011-07-12T19:15:00.003-05:00

Family. I love my family, even my loud, pesky older brother. I love the moments we get together with the in-laws. I love my husband and my kids. I have been very thankful for the family God has given me, mostly because they are all His gift. They are family through His blood and not by anything earthly. I love that. It ties my whole world together.

Who Says You're Not Perfect

2011-06-30T18:20:00.002-05:00

You know who says this to me mostly - me. I am having one of those days that I just am not good enough. I am actually joyful that I am a bit down because I was numb for a bit and hoping I wasn't truly past the point of help without some sort of intervention but now that I am sad, after being cranky, I know I am ok. You see if I care enough to change my emotions or work through them then I am still feeling, thinking, understanding myself. It is when I don't care, don't feel just exist that I become my own worst problem.

So, here I am, one month into summer, knowing God is in control as I have not felt like my 'job' as a mother has been compromised by my other 'job'. I am happy, just need to look past a few things that have been hurting me, holding me prisoner a bit. I need to be ok with people not seeing me for who I really am or for what I could be. I need to be ok with people not liking me all that much or talking bad about me. I am ok with those things but they are wearing me down today. Nothing a 4 day weekend won't cure right?

For the Sake of the Call

2011-06-23T15:27:00.001-05:00

Praying for these guys!!

Heartbreaker

2011-06-14T22:36:00.004-05:00

I am broken which, for the first time in my life, I am ok with. I am not having a meltdown, or going into some spiral of self loathing. I am just broken.

Most of the things I am broken about are about other people. People I love, want to protect, want to not be broken, but they are too. I know all I can do is pray for them, that is it. I can't change the pain they are going through. I can't fix it. I can pray and listen if they need to talk.

Right now there are so many thoughts going through my head. Different scenarios of how these situations will end and none of them end with me fixing it. Good thing to keep in mind tonight.

Because You Loved Me

2011-06-13T10:37:00.002-05:00

I like Celine Dion on certain days of the week. Not all days. Not all weeks but this song makes me think of God's love. It is His love that makes me strong, that makes me unafraid, that makes glad, that makes me love.

I know that there are many terrible things that we as people do. We are mean, selfish, greedy, and uncaring. The last one is what I need to process today. How can we as people not care for other people? I mean we all want to be cared for or at least not be treated badly, rudely or ignored. Why would we do that to other people? Why don't we treat them like we want to be treated?

I am flawed in this often, mostly with children and my patience level, but sometimes when I am in a hurry, stuck in myself and my goals, I miss people. I don't even take time to say hello. I need to be better and challenge those around me to better at this. You never know what person just needs to be acknowledge, said 'hi' to and how are you doing. You can make their day, month, even year to know someone looked at them and that they are not invisible.

This is my challenge to myself.

I'm Still Standing

2011-06-03T19:59:00.005-05:00

Just really in a good place in the midst of what seems like a storm in my life. Constant winds of change and these are few reasons I stay sane...

Where the Stars and Stripes and the Eagle Fly

2011-05-30T11:40:00.002-05:00

I know that this country has it's many flaws but we have some great freedoms. One, I get to worship my God in public, not in secret. Two, I get raise my kids to love Jesus and don't have to have a government tell me how to raise them. Three, I can disagree with my government and not be persecuted, put in jail or killed for my opinion, particularly as a woman this is great.
I could go on and I am sure there are those that disagree with me, but this is how I feel about our country. I don't think it is chosen or set apart from any other country but I am glad for it's freedoms that I have. I am blessed by those who have served to keep those freedoms and protected us from those who would want to take them away or make us all one people that are superior in their opinion. I am thankful and blessed and off to picnic on this Memorial Day.

These are few of my Favorite Things

2011-05-24T07:43:00.005-05:00

If Oprah can do it so can I. I think our things will differ. :)

* I love my room and often hide watching something on my computer.
* I love people watching (State Fair being my fave).
* I love being alone in a crowd.
* I have enjoyed having people over again and having fun. This is an on and off again favorite as I grow older and less wanting to be vulnerable with people.
* I love my kids. This stage has been great but I am getting teary talking about this being the last year before my oldest goes to college away from home.
* I love my husband, every day, more and more. I love how he is aging and maturing and watching him see where God is calling him. I love it.

Right now these are my faves. When they change you may see a new list.

RESPECT

2011-05-11T19:07:00.000-05:00

I LOVE to SING! I am not the best but I love it. I wish I had that voice that could go all out but I don't and this is something I just know and don't feel bad about. I wonder why I am so hard on myself in other ways. I can't just accept who I am and my short comings in so many ways(ok I don't mean I can't accept that I am short, but my flaws.).
God has been working in my life and showing me how to be humble, how to be broken, how to let go. Hard stuff. I don't like the hard stuff. Can someone tell me how to move on from failure? How to just really let it go, let it stay in the past where it belongs?

Isn't She Lovely

2011-05-10T13:11:00.000-05:00

Roam if You Want To

2011-04-30T19:18:00.002-05:00

I have only done a few crazy spontaneous things in my life. To some my life has been a series of crazy but it is actually kind of mild. I want to do something crazy. (not mentally crazy or anything)

I want to go on a roadtrip with girlfriends or try something new or see something I haven't seen before. I want to go dancing with my husband, sing in front of people, stay up late and not get tired, go to a play, watch the stars, many many thoughts right now.

I know that this feeling will pass and hopefully my stone will too. I just like to dream sometimes. I think it is fun and dreaming is often enough for me.

There Goes My Life

2011-04-21T08:09:00.005-05:00

What a difference 16 years make. This is a country song and it speaks to me. I never thought having my daughter so young was the end of my life but the beginning but now it is getting tougher to let go. A friend of mine had a picture from her spring break that is very much like the one here and had the same thought Steve and I had, how fast they grow up.

People are Strange

2011-04-15T11:40:00.001-05:00

You ever realize how strange people are when you are tired. I mean, they are strange to begin with but when your mind is a bit fuzzy they are all the more strange. I noticed the way someone laughed today. I am sure I have noticed it before but today it seems like I am having an out of body experience and it was almost spooky to hear this laugh. Almost like you heard it in a nightmare before. I think I must be half asleep. Lunch will help I am sure.
This month has gone by so fast. I blinked and it is halfway gone. I hope that summer comes soon but don't want it to go by too fast. Will try to enjoy each moment after a nap today. ;)

Trust and Obey

2011-04-06T19:14:00.005-05:00

I was getting really tired. Man, it is tiring carrying the whole weight of the world on your shoulders. I didn't think I could hold it anymore and then it fell. It dropped on the ground into millions of pieces. All I could think was "I did that, all by myself, I broke the whole world, WHAT A LOSER I am." I looked down in despair and cried.
Then I felt something, more than a feeling almost like a still small voice saying "Look at Me, Look at Me, Brenda." I looked up. The voice continued, "Look it is only a drop of water and I will help you clean it up. I carry the weight of the world and I will never give you anything more than you can handle. I am always with You, keep looking to Me, keeping reading My Book, keep laying it at My feet. I love you."

Why do I think that I am alone, abandoned, unforgivable, unlovable? I know that those are my weaknesses. To turn on myself and I need to keep looking up, looking to God, listening to God, studying His Word and love as He has told me to do and the rest will and always does fall into place. How often I forget that it is He, not I that has the world.

These Thousand Hills

2011-03-31T22:58:00.003-05:00

I have this tape from high school . Our car still has a tape deck so I play it sometimes. It is 'Jacob's Trouble'. I really like this group and my daughter thinks they are old fashioned but when she listens she gets why I like it. Whenever I play it I think of the boy from high school who got me interested in alternative Christian music. The boy, or man now, who just lost his wife. I pray that he still listens to them. I listened to his band on MySpace and could not believe that I still had a MySpace account. He wrote songs to his daughter who died, my heart breaks for him. My brother in law lost his first wife and we talk about her sometimes. He still wonders why she died so young. These thoughts, these emotions are not easy to sort out. I know God is in control and He does things to His glory, but wish He would write on the wall and tell people why. I know that is what faith is, to believe in things we can not see, can not understand, but some people have it so much harder than me. I really was in a low place due to life changes and my need to be happy, satisfied, needed, the list goes on. I have perspective now.

If I Die Young

2011-03-29T19:15:00.003-05:00

Today I learned of a friend I had in high school who lost his wife on Saturday due to a stroke. I heard the news and time stood still. She was at Mayo Clinic getting other procedures done and had a migraine and died. She just turned 36. I am in shock, in pain for him, in denial that it could happen at any moment. I pray that I spend my time being intentional with what God has given me. I pray I cherish the people in my life, the time I have with them and not take one second for granted. I pray that this thought doesn't just pass me by and I forget what I have, what I have been given.

House that Built Me

2011-03-21T09:41:00.003-05:00

We had such a great week with no drama, no real fights, no work interruptions, no sickness, nothing but fun and relaxation and sore feet. We loved being together but as I watched my kids run up the steps to school I know that they were happy to share where they have been and to get away from each other.
I came home and LOVE my house!!! It is huge compared to the truck and the hotel room shared by 5 people. I am happy to be home, happy for the memories and happy that God is in control of things to come!

This world has nothing for me, I will follow You

2011-03-08T16:18:00.003-06:00

When I get this right and make it all about Him everything is ok, everything has a purpose, everything is right in the world.

Lord,
Help me to remember it is not about me or the things of this world but only about You.
I ask this in Jesus' name,
AMEN

Love Lifted Me

2011-03-03T10:48:00.003-06:00

I was sinking deep in sin, far from the peaceful shore,
Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more,
But the Master of the sea heard my despairing cry,
From the waters lifted me, now safe am I.
Love lifted me!
Love lifted me!
When nothing else could help,
Love lifted me!
All my heart to Him I give, ever to Him I’ll cling,
In His blessed presence live, ever His praises sing,
Love so mighty and so true, merits my soul’s best songs,
Faithful, loving service, too, to Him belongs.
Souls in danger, look above, Jesus completely saves,
He will lift you by His love, out of the angry waves.
He’s the Master of the sea, billows His will obey,
He your Savior wants to be, be saved today.

Kung Fu Fighting

2011-02-18T15:33:00.002-06:00

Just starting with title I am in a better mood but I need to vent, so if you don't want to hear my pity party please don't read. I feel like I am angry a lot about not having control over the circumstances I am in right now. Ready to fight, but for what. Taking it out on the wrong people, sorry, honey. My house is under construction as we are redoing a bathroom. My job is under construction as we look for a new youth pastor. My family is under construction as we look to new changes. I want to control something and as I type this I realize nothing is mine to control.

I know that God is in control. Just like the season change so will things in our lives but God will always be in control and not let us go through things He knows we can't handle. I am learning. Very slowly. Learning that I am still being molded, maturing, and it makes me more thirsty for things of God. That is the point to bask in His glow and then to reflect Him. I am getting it and letting go.

Love Me Tomorrow

2011-02-14T16:00:00.002-06:00

I love this weather, not so much v-day stuff. I don't need a day to know I am loved and definately don't need more chocolate(love it though). I do need to hear that I am loved. The things you learn about yourself as you learn about your kids and the way they need to feel loved. Two of ours needs physical touch, whether wrestling, a pat on the head, or snuggling. One needs words of affirmation (me too!) and needs to hear we appreciate them. I am not huge on physical touch. I held these kids until they could walk. I thought that was enough, but even my 16 year old needs to rest on my shoulder now and again. I appreciate it so much more now and am so much more intentional about it as they will eventually leave the house.
Anyway, this day is beautiful weather wise and fun sugarwise and a good day. Thank you Lord for the good days.

Boom Boom Pow

2011-02-07T22:12:00.002-06:00

I do like this song just not live in the middle of a game by the Packers. It was not fun to see that they don't sound like you think they should and then I wondered how much they got paid to do this song. It kinda made me sick.

Loved that the Packers won and that I had a fun night with my friends and ate too much and the salt made me sick even the next day. I am glad for that as it means I don't eat like that everyday. Still have a headache.

Liking how this week is starting. Really wish it was warmer! Someday!

It's a New Day, It's a New Life

2011-01-26T16:49:00.004-06:00

I am so glad for each new beginning. I seem to get a lot wrong lately and need a new start more often than not. I love that I learn something new about myself, my kids, my hubby and mostly my Lord each day with each experience. Today I learned that my hubby loves me even when I feel unlovable, my kids don't really notice if I am a mess and that God uses people to sharpen us.

Right now is a new moment and I am going to take it and use it the way God wants me to and not let my fears hold me back.

On another note, I so am ready for a new warm day.

Got Me Looking so Crazy Right Now

2011-01-23T18:16:00.002-06:00

There are few things that keep me up at night. At my age we are tired by the time we roll into bed and my brain can be shut off for things of no consequence, such as the laundry not being done or where did I put that thing. However, when it comes to my kids hurting I want to fix it. I want to fix it now, make sure it never happens again and keep them from ever feeling this way again. That keeps me up.
I do give it to the Lord and have prayed over many things for my children. I pray for them to know God personally and grow in Him. I pray that they love like Him. I pray that they see the world as a sinful place where God reveals Himself daily. I pray for their friends, for their future spouses, to lean on the Lord for the big decision and to not grow up too fast. (the last one is more for me).
I want the school they go to, church we attend, people we hang with to be like minded with the knowledge that everyone is human and that some things are great practice for the real world beyond the house they live in now. I know I can't control any of the places but wish to have some say on how it is done.
Right now the bullying issue is going on daily for one of my kids. I need the authorities that be to help and hope that this happens this week. The teaching of sarcasm or belittling is something I will not put up with either. Kids get enough that from tv, each other and don't need to learn how to talk down to people in a different venue.
My problem is that I don't know how to be proactive about these things without being crazy. I know that love is crazy, Christ showed us that, but I need to be an adult, check myself before I wreck myself and gather my thoughts and present my concerns in a way honoring to God. I am not sure that is going to happen with the issues that are going right now. We will see.

Party Like it's 1999

2011-01-21T14:00:00.003-06:00

So happy for a date night with my hubby! So happy to be excited for it, not just looking at it as another thing on the calendar! Woohoo!

Voice of Truth

2011-01-13T12:54:00.003-06:00

I must admit, I am having a hard time discerning the truth right now. Am I just getting upset because things are getting uncomfortable or that they are not uncomfortable enough? I believe things are black and white in most areas but when they are gray, not spelled out for me in the Bible, where do I turn? Who do I trust?

I believe in a God who created the world. The God of the Old and New Testament. The God who gives and takes away all for His glory. He is the One, the great I AM, The Father to Jesus Christ, the Three in One. He treats His people with love but like a Father and teaches us as we need to be taught. He is merciful and yet judging, loving, yet jealous. He wants us to worship Him at all times, but still expects us to live on this earth.

How do I live, work everyday, cherish my kids, love my husband and keep Him number one? The word idol worship is what brought this rant up. I am not worshiping money or my house or feeding my kids if I work. I am doing what God asked us to and trying to do it while glorifying God. I don't worship my husband, he is not my Savior, but I am called to be his helpmate, his wife and I love him. He is not my idol if I go out on a date with him and not spend that time in prayer. If I am wrong, show me Lord.

I really thought that after being in a Baptist college and after years of people getting it is the relationship with Christ that matters and not the religion I would not hear the 'Thou shalt not' perspective of being a Christian over and over again. I agree that we all have idols that take our focus off God but if we are always worried about what we are doing wrong and our sinful nature isn't that an idol also?

I can hear His voice saying to follow Him, not man. Get the log out of your own eye and focus on me. Get over your rant, it is not glorifying anyone. I will listen to Him. The Voice of Truth.

You Probably Think You are Cooler than Me

2011-01-05T09:24:00.002-06:00

I feel so inadequate at times. I am not organized. I do not want to be in charge. But I long for control. Seems strange that I even care what is going on. I feel that so many people have it so much more together than I do. They ARE cooler than me. I look at that and grin.

There have always been people cooler than me. I have never been stylish, not kept up with movies or movie stars. I feel ok about all that. I am ok with not being the organizer as it seems very stressful to me. So how do I gain control and have no ownership?

Here is my answer to my ramblings. I don't. I just need to remember and acknowledged Who is in control. That alone is how I need to roll. With God as my Pilot all will be well and I will enjoy the ride!

One Day at Time, Sweet Jesus

2011-01-04T13:42:00.002-06:00

Today I am back in the swing of the working thing I do. My brain is fuzzy and I am soo emotional. Like crying and can not stop. I am not exactly sure why, no real reason but things must have been building up, good to get it out I guess, just don't like to get it out in front of people. I like to know what is going to happen and right now there is not a clue in sight. I know that the plan is in His hands, but sometimes I just want to do something. I will take it one day at a time and spend time with the Lord and rest in Him. I will at least try to do it that way and I guess, cry like a baby when led, there really is no other way around it. :)

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

2010-12-27T09:22:00.002-06:00

So we have had a lovely Christmas. We were ALL together as last Monday we found out Ashley had mono and pneumonia and needed to stay home. After a week in the house she was able to go to the Chermak Christmas but was really worn out. The other two and myself now have colds but a good week to get better. What a blessing of time we have been given.

The Lord has let me learn to wait on Him and trust Him in all things once again. I know I may never end my learning curve. Excited to see what is next!

I Can Play the Background

2010-12-18T12:16:00.002-06:00

I am definitely letting God lead right now. My baby is in physical pain over an emotional issue and we had to bring her to the ER last night to deal with the stomach pain caused by an ongoing problem. I have to know that God is in control and this will lead to His glory.

I don't have answers. I don't have questions either. I have faith. I can only lean right now. Only trust in Him. I know He will give me wisdom to make a decision that will cause problems but maybe it will also define the solution.

I am not getting in the way this time, I am playing the background.

Ring of Fire

2010-12-14T22:46:00.002-06:00

I feel like I am walking through a ring of fire right now. There are things that I am not dealing with but if I looked at closely would hurt or make me anxious but instead I am walking through them. Not alone, mind you but with God, my Protector and the wonderful people He gave me to hold my hand through this time.

I never thought that I would be calm about such changes but know it is the Prince of Peace whose carrying me now.

I had a great night just chilling with a few friends that I could have let it all out with but it was fun to laugh and talk about our plans for Christmas and not cry, enough of that to come I believe and maybe not, maybe this peace will continue. I am very thankful for my friends, for my family, for my Lord.

Falling to Pieces

2010-12-08T19:47:00.002-06:00

There are moments that I fall in love again with my Lord Jesus Christ. It is usually when I am so low I have to look up but I am always in awe of how much He gives for us, how much He loves us and how much He expects from us. He expects us to love like Him, walk like Him, and mostly glorify Him and I sometimes think that is crazy, some mornings I can't even comb my hair right, but that is the great thing, He does not expect us to do it alone. With His Holy Spirit, His Word, we can bring it all to where it belongs at His feet. We should be a reflection of Him and I am so glad that He expects me to do this and is walking along with me.

Sleigh Ride

2010-12-01T18:51:00.003-06:00

My mood did change as I sat on the bus with a bunch of 6/7th graders and observed how much life is still the same in Jr. High, but that is another post.

I so enjoyed the concert today with Orchestra Hall filled with kids and how they all got quiet as the orchestra picked up their instruments and spoke to us through music. It was great! I watched one violinist who danced with her violin, or so it seemed. The kids actually enjoyed it although it may not be cool to admit it. What music does for the soul, it amazes me and by the second song my impatience with a few minor pains in my life were gone. I was thanking God for my hearing and my job as I was able to just shift my schedule to do a field trip with my son. I am so blessed. It just took a bus ride to Minneapolis to remember that.

BANG YOUR HEAD

2010-11-30T18:23:00.001-06:00

I feel as that is how you could sum up my year. I am having a bad moment and just feel like I can not stay on top of my health. I finally got over my side pain or almost, and then I fell and have a concussion. Most just laugh it off and really don't understand that I hate not being able to truly process things and have a constant headache, but I am sure since I am a not very smart girl they have a right to laugh. I am now starting my maybe 3rd cold this season. I am having a terrible, no-good, very bad moment right now.

I am off to see "Sleigh Ride" at Orchestra Hall and will enjoy that with my son's class. I just need to gain perspective. Not look at life so one dimensionally and know that this too shall pass and God is in control and wants me to be humbly at His feet.

Let Them Be Little

2010-11-23T07:35:00.002-06:00

After a wonderful slip on the ice skating rink that was the Twin Cities, I landed on my head. I have a concussion but am fine but this post will definately be a bit random.

I look at my friends and hope that they enjoy each screaming, whining, needy minute that their babies to 7 year olds give them. My kids still need me but sometimes in a way that I need my husband and that is just to love them and make sure they know that won't change. I don't miss the diapers, the 3 am feedings (although my kids get up a lot), the constant touch of the children or them not being able to tell me exactly what they need. But I do miss the unspoken communication, them snuggling so much more, watching them sleep (really don't miss the diapers).

I do love the age they are at and how they are becoming such fun people. God makes us all unique even in a family unit.

I mainly need to let go of my oldest baby for Christmas once again and am having a hard time with it. I didn't really expect it this year but know that she so wants to go. I need to be happy. I need to GIVE her the freedom to be happy about it although everytime I hear 'I'll be home for Christmas' I will cry. I need to let her know I love her no matter what. Not that hard to do as I do love her no matter what just need to let my head heal a bit before we bring it up again, I get more weepy with the headache I have.

God is good and will make this Christmas and all times, a time of growing. I trust that!

Give it Away, Give it Away, Give it away now

2010-11-17T10:30:00.002-06:00

I think the thing I most am unwilling to give is time. I like my time. I want to keep it safe and for family and myself. Sometimes I am not even willing to share it with God, how selfish. Time to listen to people, pray for people, cry with people (God is working on this one a lot with me this year) and encourage people. I want to know in my head and heart that this time wasn't about me feeling comfortable, for life to be easy or about me, it is to glorify God and the only way I can do that is by giving away my time for Him.

Right now my time is with sick kids or I would type more. Off to see if they are ok! Strep should be no longer alive in my house soon!

Happy Happy Birthday Baby!

2010-11-16T09:47:00.003-06:00

My baby turned double digits. I no longer have a single digit kid. I just got used to having a 16 year old and now I have to get used to being the mom of a 16, 11, and 10 year old. Crazy how fast it went!

Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart - 30 Day Giving Challenge

2010-11-15T10:14:00.002-06:00

I got started on this challenge late and they are already on Day 15. My hubby is great at giving, whether time, talent or money, he is always giving and I am learning from him. So far the only charity that we are working on is Feed My Starving Children and Operation Christmas Child all the rest is people we know. That is how Steve does it, find a need and help where we can.

Yesterday at church we talked with some people and found out they are having a hard time, having to sell their home they just moved into so that they can make it. They have no idea where they are moving to but they know God is in charge. Moments like these I wish we made loads of money but it would never be ours as we would love to be there for all who are hurting.

We also have a family member who is on his second year of unemployment and many troubles with their house and so on. What can we do? I am not always sure. We can pray, we can give what we can, we can show love and support. I want to do more.

Life is rough for so many in this economy. Just last spring Steve was down to half time work and now he is so busy and I NEED to be thankful. It is required of me. This I must remember and to give what has never been mine. All I have is God's and I need to remember that.

Blessed Be the Name

2010-11-09T11:17:00.001-06:00

What a great hymn! What a great honor to sing about the Lord! What a blessing to know He is in control and will bring things to His glory in His time! Trusting in Him today!

Holiness is What I Long For

2010-10-26T11:04:00.002-05:00

I heard a wonderful, inspiring, humbling talk on how I need to get to the business of Christ. Of learning, loving, living like Him and to be obedient and follow Him and His Word. Does not sound new but it was refreshing and needed to hear of the renewal I need to make. I do get caught up in the need to feel happy, the need to feel comfortable, to not be stretched or go through any type of trouble.

I have friends that I love dearly that often ask me about the craziness of schedules and life and the needs of the kids and working and then the pain that I am dealing with and why I don't look as crazy as they feel. I respond with this is life. I am crazy and stressed and yell at my kids and all that bad stuff but I am content right now. (I can say that today). I don't know what life is like not planning it around someone else and quite frankly don't want to know for quite some time. I don't want to forget the struggles of life as I know that more will come and those that have been or I am going through will shape me, mold me hopefully into a more loving person.

I have been in prayer for many issues I don't have control over lately. I like control. I want to know what is happening next but not in this season of life is that going to happen. For the first time in a long time I am happy trusting that God is in control. Yeah for baby steps.

Happy To Be Stuck with You

2010-10-16T11:42:00.003-05:00

Enjoying life with this man!

Video Killed the Radio Star

2010-10-12T12:51:00.002-05:00

I am overwhelmed at how much technology as parents we need to monitor for our kids. I know most peoples response is don't let them have it and then you won't fight over it but it is not that easy. I work with youth and the only way to get a response is by facebook and texting. Why? I don't know. Half the time my daughter texts stuff she needs to call and get details anyway so why not start by calling? I don't know.

I actually think that there is too much access to people, information on the web. I think we all long for more physical or face to face contact. I love the feel of books and hope my children love them too. I have thought about this way too much.

Help, I need somebody!

2010-10-11T15:09:00.002-05:00

I need advice or someone to remind me this is normal or say this too shall pass or something. I always hear that teenagers cause gray hair but I never believed it until now. I have a teenager who I love. She loves the Lord, she loves her family, she loves to do laundry (not clean her room though), all in all a great kid but she also loves to push the limits. We have to explain every option as to why we set a rule, what it really entails, what the meaning of the word after don't means. I am getting tired, old and gray doing all this so advice, words of wisdom, anything. Please help!

I do love her but want to not get after her everyday for texting in school or leaving school before it is over. These are not even my rules. I know that I could send her to the principal to deal with it but just not sure, maybe I am too picky. She has study hall last period that is why she left early one day after a make up test. She said she thought it was ok and my first thought was 'I am not sure you were thinking'.

I will wait for your comments and go get some hot tea while I wait. I am sure you all can fix this. :)

Behind these Hazel Eyes

2010-10-05T22:17:00.003-05:00

Ok maybe they are brown or yellow or flecky, not a word. I am numb a bit about my appointment to Mayo tomorrow. My hubby is actually coming with me and the colors and day should be good but really what new I am going to learn about? I am still in pain. No one knows what it is for sure. My PT thinks it is a rib problem. No definite answer on if it will ever heal. Kind of a bummer huh? I hope for answers every time this time not so much. I hope to just not think about it anymore. Pretend it is gone.

Change is back in the air again in life in general. I should be used to it by now but never really do get used to it. I often wonder if I would be bored if it did not change. I guess I will never know.

Love the colors and here is another picture of my lovely weekend! The leaves were awesome!

Joyride

2010-10-04T09:57:00.004-05:00

Went on an adventure this weekend only to find out a few things about myself. Things I knew, things I need to work on, things I have not thought about in years.

I need to be who I am. I like who I am after many years of being unsure about that, not that I am perfect, not until heaven for that.

I hate sharing my feelings. I hate being vunerable and end up sharing 'too much'. I did this weekend but my results are good, still have trust issues, waiting for someone I love to turn on me again. That is the fear.

I have been brainwashed. I actually believe what a person told me for a year. Not all the time but when there is conflict in my marriage I believe it. I will be talking this out with someone who has a degree to help me as it is rooted somewhere deep in my head that I will never be good enough. Talking with God always brings me back to reality but would like to not go to this place in my brain anymore.

I really like to have fun!

I loved the leaves and weather this weekend and still need a bit more sleep but what fun, can't wait to go back next year!

Cryin over You

2010-09-23T08:27:00.002-05:00

I was at the library the other day and a little boy was crying and this mentally underdeveloped lady was so concerned. She so wanted to fix it and kept saying 'You're OK boy? You're OK!' The mom of the boy stated he was OK and the mom of the lady stated it too but she was not so sure. Her heart to care so much and want to make this boy feel OK was overwhelming and convicting. How many times can I tell that someone is not having a good day but really don't have the time, energy, sometimes even thought process to try and help. To even acknowledge the need for help or need for a friend. Another thing to work on.

I have a list of things that I have done wrong in the past couple weeks, whether at my work, with my friends and family or in my home. I am an encourager by nature to everyone else but not to myself. I forget that and it gets easier to forget when all I am reminded of is the bad. Just a little gray day today but the sun will come out again, it has to right?

Way Out Here

2010-09-19T17:31:00.004-05:00

I love being at my cabin where the phone doesn't really ring and I am with family and less stressed. I hope to get up one more time this fall but it seems less and less likely as the weekends fill up.

No More Games

2010-09-13T13:10:00.003-05:00

I am through with waiting on people to change. I need to realize that sometimes they won't change, can't change, don't even know they should change. I need to change that I get so fussy that they are who they are and accept that and move on.

My mouth has gotten me into trouble AGAIN. I have apologized to those who need to be and yet there is still this unresolved feeling in my heart that I need to ignore right now. I can't fix this not this time but for awhile my approach will be to be silent and still. Keep my mouth shut and hopefully learn to open it only when beneficial to all involved.

Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen!

2010-09-12T09:03:00.001-05:00

It has taken me a bit to post this one. I am so happy my baby is growing to love the Lord and she now is a legal driver, but this is hard to say out loud. I have a 16 year old. What?!?

She had a great summer of ministry, friends, and on and off the boy she is standing with in the first picture.

She still loves her daddy, papa, nana, and mom, loves her brother and sister and still plays with them and overall is everything you want you in a kid but the time has gone by so fast. I don't want to miss a thing!

According to You

2010-09-11T13:19:00.002-05:00

I must admit that I love secular music. I listen to just about any radio station out there for about 2 minutes at a time. I am a channel surfing which can be annoying but if I like a song it will stay on it for the duration. I love this song. It is about a girl who is in a relationship with someone who does not appreciate her and finds a guy who does. When it gets to the part for 'according to him' my mind changes it to 'according to Him'. I know the world sees me with all my flaws and really there are so many times I am the unappreciative boyfriend but according to God I am beautiful and He can't get me out of His head.
I need to remember that so that on the days which are more than not that I feel that I am worthless, He doesn't. I am just at low point to bring glory to Him, to find Him, to release my fears and insecurities to Him.

Circle of Friends

2010-09-05T20:06:00.001-05:00

In a circle of friends
We have one Father
In a circle of friends
We share this prayer
That every orphaned soul will know
And all will enter in
To the shelter of this circle of friends.

I don't actually know this song but the chorus looks great. I have been thinking about friendships and family in the eyes of God lately. I tend to look at those who are close friends as chosen family.

I have noticed a pattern in my church lately and I am sure it will always exist on some level now I just need to figure out how to fix it or not be a part of it. I have noticed that people go to my church and are a part of my 'family' and they are very lonely. People who have not been invited to my house but I talk to regularly is just not right. My Pastor said a few weeks ago that you can't be friends with everyone and I actually had to think on that and was so satisfied that it was true. BUT, I can do better. I can see the need for others to fellowship and to feel loved. I can actually do something about that. Maybe my gift is hospitality. I need to work on this one.

Hey Steven!

2010-09-02T11:11:00.003-05:00

This is a song from Taylor Swift that I love. And, yes, I love this man! "Can't help it if there's no one else, ooo, I can't help myself!"

He has been so good to me and shown Christ in so many ways! What a man!

Get Up on Your Feet, Get up Get up Get Busy

2010-08-28T11:08:00.002-05:00

Do you ever have a dream and are so in deep even when you wake up you are not sure it was dream or that it is over? This happened to me this week only in my real life when I was awake. I have been struggling with pain for about 6 months and it all seemed so trivial as my friend was diagnosed with cancer again. Time to get up and get busy praying for others, living for God and serving where He puts me!

Ain't That Crazy

2010-08-26T00:13:00.002-05:00

This song talks about amazing love and how to keep it and how to never let your praying knees get lazy. It talks of human love, of how it can be but not told about much in the media nor papers. I mean, who wants to hear a story about a man and a woman who stay together for 58 years, through the good and the bad, the tough times and the dancing, the healthy times and the ill times.

I wish that this was more of the norm. Parents staying together, working hard, raising a family and loving like Christ. It just doesn't happen much, it is now abnormal.

I am unsure how to proceed in life right now. There are some decisions to make, not life changing, but choices, like looking for a house, letting go of my 16 year old to drive alone, accepting the love I am given by my family and friends (have been so bad at this choice and have chosen wrong many times lately), what mini congregation to be in and the insignificant list goes on. I hate making decisions and yet want to be in control. I don't even understand that one. The few choices I am making is to listen more, be more hospitable, and take it easy until I feel better. That last one just came to me. It will take a while until I get used to it but I know I must listen to my hubby and do what the PT guy says and then rest. I will try. That is the only decision I will make tonight.

It's My Life

2010-08-17T18:14:00.003-05:00

I need to reclaim back my life with or without pain. I know that is way easy to say but I need to try and maybe the fair will help :). The doctors have no answers and I am now on no medications for the pain so I need to move on and just live. No more hiding behind it. People will still eat the food I cook them if I have to lay down while they eat it and those people that God has put on my heart to connect with have waited long enough.

I can still stay up late, just because I have pain does not make me 80 (the fact I need a crown makes me old). I can be spontaneous, I can't spell it but I can be it. I can admit that the pain is making me crazy and know that I am not crazy. I can love like I should have been this whole time, with God's love, through God's eyes. I need to get back to who I am and want to be even if I might be a little slower or not as loud. Ok maybe I will always be loud, but this time was enough for me to have off of the real things that are important, back to life, Brenda, it is time with all the pain, but now with more resolve to live through it instead of waiting for it to go away.

Oops There Goes Another Rubber Tree Plant

2010-07-30T12:49:00.001-05:00

That song is in my head because I am going to grow one, strange huh? I am ready to have time off with my family and just not deal with anything! God is good!

Happy Days

2010-07-14T14:28:00.002-05:00

Summer is speeding by but we have had many happy days and hopefully more to come. We are pretty sure we know what the pain source was/is and we have on more round of shots scheduled for next Wednesday and hopefully a pain free rest of the summer after the shot healing!

My oldest heads to her second year to New Orleans for a missions trip and what a journey God is bringing her on this summer. I pray she sees His plan and hears His voice.

My youngest is changing into a young lady and less of a little girl and I am not ready for that yet but love that she still loves to snuggle.

My son is changing and had his first moment of sadness and not knowing why. I did not know boys had mood changes like that but I am learning and love that he still wants me around.

Steve has had work!!!! Yeah!!! God is good all the time and His timing is perfect and He is still teaching me that patience is something that comes with maturity and good things are worth the wait!

So overall life is back to normal. I am sure the next thing that happens will seem tremendous and it may be but I will look back at the last 3 months of unanswered pain and realize that it made me search for Him more, rely on people more and made my family stronger. The purpose is worth the pain!

Tears On My Pillow

2010-07-09T11:27:00.002-05:00

WHAT A DOWNER I AM!!! I have been crying since last night since the pain hit full on again. I know I should not let it get me down the way I am letting it and then I feel bad about that. I see God's work in this and know that it could be so much worse and then feel bad about that. See the pattern and why the tears won't stop!

I will sing unto the Lord! Music always makes me feel better. I just hope I don't bug the people around while I try to cheer myself up! :)

It's My Perogative

2010-07-04T13:53:00.002-05:00

I am enjoying seeing my kids grow into themselves and become people. They are not just parroting Steve or myself but they have real likes and dislikes and even though watching them grow up seems so wrong at times, they should stay little, it is sure an incredible journey.

It's Too Late to Apologize

2010-07-03T15:48:00.003-05:00

I need to make a public apology. I am so sorry that I have not let people in. I have been so depressed and have been relying on my Father and my hubby and a few, very few people in my life but I have not been doing what I should and allow you all to use the wonderful gifts God has given you and be there for me. I feel so alone and it is my fault. I know I am not and I have many offers of people to sit and look at the tv with me but I have said no because who wants to hang out with Brenda Boring.

I am sorry and hope to not pass up another opportunity.

Tainted Love

2010-06-28T17:14:00.004-05:00

As a mother you see yourself as responsible for a child to help them to love like Christ, to do their best, to work hard, to play hard, to enjoy everything life gives them. You want to protect them from harm and hurt and anger (even your own). This is how I feel at least. I believe fathers feel the same, maybe even with more of a protective vibe.

I don't understand the parents that hurt their children, make them feel small worthless unless they do as they are told by them. I don't get why they would repeatedly do it and as their children grow they see that this behavior is wrong and not normal and how is a child supposed to react to this?

I know not everyone was loved as a child as I was. I had a father and mother who chose me to love and stayed together and it was easy to follow that example. I know it is harder for some than me but I believe you can overcome circumstances of the past. I know I have and keep trying to.

I wish that parents took their roles as a job with the payment being loving, fun and happy children. I wish they did not need acceptance from the child, or needed the child to feed their ego, or pat them on the back, or feel the need to buy their children, or promise things to make the child love them more, or need them to acknowledge a relationship that doesn't exist.

I will pray that through my flaws my kids will grow to love like Christ, enjoy all things and share what they can through life. I will pray for those who don't know how to love their children as they should and hope one day the will be able to look beyond themselves and see what awesome people their children are and not waste the time they have with them. I know so many who wish they could hold their children just a moment longer.

Yes, this one is cryptic and a rant, I am over it now. :)

Love Me Tomorrow

2010-06-26T19:52:00.002-05:00

I get to spend time alone with my hubby for the second time in a month. The kids are all off to camps and such and we get time just the two of us. I am excited, we had a lot of fun last week and I have made some plans this week. Unfortunately one day we are heading to Mayo to get 3 injections in my back in hopes of healing the pain I have. Not sure if it will work but we will see.
After being in pain since March I often wonder if Steve is tired of me. Will he love me if this pain last forever? Will he just want to work all the time so he doesn't have to be around me? Will he find someone new?
The last one is something that creeps in my mind often. He has never given me reason to doubt him but since I have been let go for a better model, a few better models, I wonder if it will happen again.
I trust that it won't but if I don't get well is it fair for him to always be the strong one? I know he loves me and want him to love me tomorrow like today. Maybe I will sing this to him, but maybe not.

Mama Said There Be Days Like This

2010-06-13T23:11:00.002-05:00

Raising a teenager brings back the words my mom once said' just wait until you have your own kids, you'll see' and she was right. I know that I once thought I knew more than my parents and was really reasonable and smart and in love with whoever I was dating and definitely going to marry them and always made the right choices...
I guess independence and free thinking develop before reality sets in that we need other people to help us in life and that we need to rely on who God put in our lives for guidance and wisdom. Not just them but the Holy Spirit and the Word. I know that I am not in a boat alone when I say I wish I she could know what I know but she will see reality in time. I am trying to hold my tongue and not say 'You wait' because soon enough the innocence is gone and she will see reality and the she is not the center of it all.

Alone

2010-06-12T09:46:00.003-05:00

I have been feeling very alone lately. Not that I don't have people around me that love me or are encouraging but the pain isolates me. I hate to lie and say 'I am fine' when I want to say 'I am so down and can't wait for answers any longer, please need me as I feel so worthless', not a great mommy/friend/daughter of Christ statement. A break down and sleep last night helped a ton. Trying different pain meds is helping too.

I want to be normal and go to a movie without thinking will the pain be too much or have to sleep after a 8 hour morning. I know that answers are right around the corner. I have my MRI on Thursday and hope that brings results.

Still working on patience.

These are a Few of My Favorite Things

2010-06-08T22:39:00.004-05:00

I have been missing a few of my favorite things lately.

The ability to stay up late and not be in pain.
The desire to be with other people. I can be with people just am not motivated to leave the house drugged up and tired.
Laughing without pain. Had a great laugh with the ladies at lunch today and it hurt, but so worth it!
Eating a full meal. This one might be for the best.
Pastor King

However, I have enjoyed a few of my favorites that when I am so busy - hate the term - I have done in my down time.

Read at least 3 books.
Spent more time in prayer and thanking God for all things good in my life.
Spent more time with the kids watching The Cosby Show.
Realized that I do enjoy a neat house and love that my family is soo helpful.

These past 3 months have been humbling and a bit of a blur but a lot of good and compassion from me have come from it. Now if they find the source then I will find more favorite things to write about like freedom from pain and pain meds!

What Time is it?

2010-06-01T13:04:00.002-05:00

Summer time is kinda here as I have 2 kids home and one still in school. A strange feeling that I am not ready for summer as no child care plans are made and no summer fun set up. I was at Mayo clinic for 3 days last week and will go back this Thursday and after a long, fun, relaxing, sunny weekend not even sure what day it is. I do know that Tuesdays eventually will be at Lake Elmo and some days the kids will head to their Grandma's but they are old enough not to need someone to watch them but young enough to still need someone to entertain them. I should get on that.

I am still in pain and a bit down today about it. I know that someday these past couple months will look like a brief moment and sometime from now I will feel better but right now, with no answers in sight since March I am frustrated. Trusting...

To Infinity and Beyond

2010-05-27T10:27:00.004-05:00

I truly thought that my son would outgrow Buzz Lightyear by his 11th birthday but am so glad he didn't. I love this kid and his love for Christ and others and his wit. He is so funny and knows it and yet so wants to figure everything out. I never have cared how things work, just thankful they do, he wants to know how everything works.
He is also so loving and truly thoughtful and now very old but will always be my baby boy! I thank the Lord for him even if he looks just like his father and nothing like me. :)

Go Shorty, It's Your Birthday

2010-05-20T10:43:00.002-05:00

I am 36 years old today! Yeah! I just got the best present - an appointment to Mayo Clinic for my pain on MONDAY! How excited am I? So excited to see an end in site. I just hope to have a plan of action at the very least to deal with the pain but would love a solution.

What have I learned this year?

That God is in control no matter how much I want to be.
That Love is everywhere, even in people that you are not looking for it in.
That I am not crazy!!! (well not that crazy)
My family and friends rock even when I am not intentional in our relationships.
I am still a work in progress.
My kids are smarter than I am.
My hubby is getting hotter and hotter!
Life is good even in the valleys there is still so much good.